I'm sorry, I just don't really know where else to go.

[LucyDeSpiderman]

After spending another day in tears, with 2 crying children, in an absolute shithole of a house, I thought I'd post here for advice.
Since my daughter was born in January I've found myself feeling increasingly hopeless. I ust don't know what to do. My house is in such a state, I'm ashamed that we live here, ashamed that I'm bringing up 2 children in this dump, but nothing at all can motivate me to get up off my fat arse to do something about it. My little boy, who'll be 2 next week, spends all day watching telly. I never get us up & dressed to go out & do anything, we just sit in the house all the time. I find it so difficult to get us all ready & out the door. I don't drive, I'm desperate to learn but we can't even afford to send off for my provisional licence. I love my children, I know I do, but I get so angry with them. Dd spends all day crying, she sleeps for no more than 15 minutes at a time & spends the rest of the time crying. If she does go to sleep, chances are my son will wake her up. His behaiviour is terrible, and I know it's my fault because he's had such a shit life so far, but I don't know what to do to make him happy. I'm disgustingly fat, I bought a new pair of jeans the other day, a size 18, and they don't fit, they're too tight. But I just keep eating. I know if I told my mom how I'm feeling she'd be here straight away to help me, but I feel ashamed. I go to college once a week, I'm desperate to be a midwife so I'm doing an access course, but I'm behind on my work because I can't be bothered. I keep lieing to myself, saying that the reason I haven't been doing it is because I don't have time, but if I'm being honest, it's because I'm just too lazy. I keep thinking that my children would be so much happier with somebody else. I shout at my son, and I can't make my beautiful little baby girl stop crying. I love them so much, and I want the best for them, but how can I give that to them when I don't even take them out? It's ridiculous. My oh knows I'm feeling a bit crap, but he works so he doesn't see how I am during the day, and he doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with me. I think he thinks I'm lazy. Which I am, but you know what I mean. I don't know what I'm expecting people to say. Say it's normal? I really don't know what to do, and feel so silly just writing all of this for strangers to read, but I can't bring myself to tell anyvbody in 'real life'.

Hello

Sounds like you are depressed. Please speak to someone - GP, HV, a friend or your mum even if you can't face talking to your OH.

You are being unduly hard on yourself, looking after 2 children is hard work!

Hopefully someone more wise and experienced will come along and post in a mintute but just wanted to give you a response.

I have PND and can identify with some of the things you said in your post

Take care
x

Hi...

you have to talk to someone in RL about how you feel...ring your HV in the morning.....you must do that ok..

She is trained in dealing with situations like yours..(completely normal) so don't be ashamed or anything like that....she's heard it all before...

Children are hard work...the brave parents are the ones who admit they could do with a little help....

Just to back up what has already been said - you sound like you have quite a serious depression. It makes you feel tired and lethargic and then you can't get things done and it makes you feel worse about yourself and so forth the circle goes round.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - please talk to people.

Lucy...

I'm linking you the parent helpline

here

Take care x

Oh Lucy... your children are very small, and the early days are very very hard- you're not lazy- there is so much involved in the care of 2 under 2! I think maybe you need to separate out the issues that are overwhelming you, which really are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

DD can only be 8 weeks or so- is the crying/not sleeping due to colic or to reflux do you think? Maybe a visit to the HV or GP would help address that, and get you all some relief?

When OH gets in from work, could he have dd for 30 minutes or so so that you can have just a little one-to-one time with DS? It would give him chance to build a relationship with her too.

I am one year on from your situation and I cannot imagine how on earth you are doing a college course- you need to not be so hard on yourself, really - speak to your tutors, ask about a deferment perhaps until dd is 6mo at least, but probably 12mo more ideal. I know it means it will take longer to qualify, but if you burn out completely you'd never qualify, far better to take a little longer but to be able to do the course and yourself justice.

Do you have sure start near you, or homestart? Homestart could help in terms of real practical assistance - maybe looking after ds for an hour or two so you can get other things done, or even just sleep if you need it? Surestart might give you ideas of things to do with your ds, to distract him and prevent him waking dd when she finally gets to sleep (I know... that one had me on my knees)

Please do not be ashamed of asking for help- that is what it is there for. Take care, and I'm sure these dark days will soon be a distant memory.

You poor thing, you do sound depressed - it's like a filter over the world that makes everything slow and grey and muffled.

The love you feel for your children is such a positive and important thing though, because it's a great place to start with getting yourself out of the hole Small steps are what's needed here - try not to look at the big picture, the 'I'm a bad mum because of all these reasons' (am not saying you are, btw, just that you might be thinking that way just now). Think about something you'd like to change, then break it down into small tasks. Even a walk round the block is a little adventure for a 2yo, and the fresh air will do all three of you good. It's also less stressful listening to a crying baby outside, I've found, whereas sometimes being inside four walls seem to amplify the sound until there's no escape.

I really feel for you, it's clear that you love your children and want things to change. Just remember that no one can do everything all by themselves, and no one can change everything all at once. That's what help is there for - please take it where you can (including here)

Oh Lucy - Your post really hit home for me.

I have a (nearly) 2YO and I also have a 8MO DD.

God, I find it hard.

THere are LOADS of positives in your post: You love your kids. That's something a lot of kids in this world don't get.

I don't know where you live, but can you walk anywhere? I have a labrador and he is a life saver at times because he MAKES me get out of the house. (Like you, I struggle to get everyone ready and often the kids have snow suits on over PJs!!) but they don't care - they are warm and dry and having fun.

Plus (this works for me) - DS can run about and make himself tired and DD can find time to nap.

It is really hard with two kids. I used to love taking my son to the playground, but now he wants to go on things that need my assistance, but DD will wail if she's left in the buggy! So, I find it easier not to go there.

DO you have a DH that could help at all?

And, you know, I'd really call your mum. You don't have to tell her everything if you aren't ready, but a couple of days at your mums might be just what you need.

CAT me if you want. I'm in West Herts (Hemel Hempsted - if you are close to me, we could meet up. Our kids are similar ages)

Just looked at your profile...

1. YOu are NOT FAT
2. YOU do not live in a shitheap
3. You are MUCH younger than me

You are being unreasonably harsh on yourself

YOu need help and a bit of support. Do not feel bad about asking for that.

You know - when I first had two kids, people would offer to help me with the buggy and my natural reaction was to say 'no, I'm fine' and you know what I say now? 'THANKYOU that would be very much appreciated'

Please talk to your mum. She will be more than happy to bond with her grandkids and that isn't a negative thing about you wanting some support - that's a positive thing about them spending time with a grandparent.

Some practical things you could do tomorrow:

• make a doctor's appointment for DD to get her checked over, just in case there's some cause for her crying that you can't see

• ring your HV and have a talk about how you're feeling, in any kind of detail you like - it doesn't have to be about your deepest emotions if you don't want, you could just ask about practical help with DS's behaviour or possible action re. DD's crying. Anything you like really, but I think speaking to a real voice would be a good help.

• find your local Surestart and see what kind of help is on offer. My local Surestart runs several stay and play sessions during the week for under 5s and they are brilliant for wearing the older ones out while the mums get a chance to sit and chat, or access HV support. I find them a real lifeline and I've only got the one DC! You are doing better than you think

You sound exactly like I was when I had two timy little ones!!

I agree with all those saying get professional advice, but I also have some tips that worked for me...eventually!

1. Get out. Don't worry where you're going, round the block is fine...fresh air works wonders for both you and the LOs. They should put it on prescription.

2.Set yourself small aims every day. Mine was to be up and awake with both kids dressed and fed before lunch. Nothing else mattered for a while...I added other targets slowly, but they were small ones (a load of washing each day etc)

1. Talk to someone.Your mum, your DH, a friend...anyone. I was amazed at how the fog lifted when I told my parents how I was feeling. No one made me feel like I had anything to be ashamed of. They love you, and they care, and they'll want to help.

1. Do somehting nice with your children each day..it doesn't have to be big...sit on the floor and play, cuddle them in front of the TV, read a story...whatever. They don't care about the state of their house, or their mum's dress size. They just want smiles and cuddles and love.

1. Don't be hard on yourself. Your DS isn't behaving badly because you're a crap mother, he's in the 'terrible twos'! It's normal. It's exhausting having two under two, ask anyone who's been there.

Good luck, you sound lovely. You love your children, you're trying to further your career, your seeking advice on how to be a better parent...that makes you the kind of mum I'd like as a friend.

Sorry to hear that you are having a shit time. I just wanted to say, because I am so shallow, that you look lovely and pretty in your photos

Def. agree with the small targets.

I set one which was 'kids breakfast' - they now both sit at the table and eat porridge and fruit for breakfast.

Then we go walking and...... well - the rest of the day may or may not be a write off.

But, whatever else happens, they've eaten one good meal and had an hour or two of exercise and fun.

And, OP - You do sound like a lovely person and a lovely mum.

at my local sure start they had these emrgency free creche seesion where if you were having a hard time you could get 6 weeks of creche sessions. they were by referral only but please ask your hv if this is available where you live. having a break from ds regulary might really help.

is your mum close? dont dont have to telll her you cant cope if you dont want to but you could ask her for help with specific tasks....ie 'mum, do you think you could have the dcs for a day/half a day - my housework has got a bit out of ocntrol and i really want to just get on top of it if you have some free time?'

it also sounds like you feel like you have lost control of everything and you need to wrestle it back. do the washing up or bung a load of washing on. you have to start with small things. if even that feels impossible then you really really need to see your hv/gp about post natal depression.

Lucy - I really feel for you. I have a 2 year old and a baby born in December (who seems to cry constantly) and it is so hard.

I also looked at your profile and I'm really close to you. I'd be happy to help out if I can . I go to lots of lovely friendly groups locally and could give you a lift ...or something. Just CAT me or let me know on here if you want to get in touch. Getting out and about really saves my sanity - DD can go and play with other children, I get a cup of coffee and someone to chat to and I can pass DS over to someone for 10 mins for a bit of respite.

In the meantime, please talk to your mom and the HV

Lucy, will you try some of the advice on here tomorrow, and update us?

Just do one thing to make yourself feel better.

Hi Lucy,
you sound as though you may have post-natal depression.Please have a chat with your HV or GP,they will be able to support you through it.
This charity has lots of helpful stuff about crying babies,don't bash your head off cupboards like I did!
www.cry-sis.org.uk/cry.html

Tilly! Did you have that baby already?

Congratulations!

Lucy - How are you feeling today?

Hope you got some sleep!! My two were up and down... DS has a bad cough and DD is just settling into her own room (She's been in there for about 4 weeks now) but they are both sleeping peacefully now

Hope you have a good day. PLease do try to speak to someone in RL. But, continue to post here. We are here for you too

Hello again.
Thankyou all so, so much for your kind words. I guess you've all kind of confirmed what I've been thinking. We all went to my dads last night & ordered a pizza. I was meant to go to college at 6.30 but didn't feel up to it.
To those suggesting I ring my hv, the only worry I have about that is that I think she already thinks I'm not a great Mom because when my son cut his hand at my Moms I didn't get him into hospital straight away. It was only because my Mom lives in the middle of nowhere & she wasn't home, and I didn't know if the cut was serious enough for an ambulance. She saw me outside of the dr's a couple of days later and questioned me about it, and asked me about some marks on my sons face (he was just getting over impetigo, that's what the marks were). It felt like she was accusing me of something, it was horrible!
I did talk to my Dad a little yesterday, but I think he's just thinking I'm finding ds's behaviour difficult, when it's actually so much more than thatI'm going to phone my Mom today. I know once she knows how I'm feeling that she'll do everything in her power to help me.
My oh has confirmed that he definitely doesn't understand. He came home from work yesterday & saw what a state I was in. He took dd from me and I went & had a cigarette (I stopped smoking when I got pregnant with ds, and feel a bit silly for having one yesterday, but it helped me calm down a bit ). He did seem worried, but when we came home from my Dads he started moaning because I wanted to buy a new bag, some leggings & some shoes ( we're supposed to be going out on saturday & I have nothing even resembling 'going out clothes', it's been over a year since I last went out). Of course this set me off again, and when we went up to bed he started complaining about the mess in the bedroom. He did say sorry once we were in bed when he realised how upset I was, and I explained to him that I need him to support me at the moment etc. We'll see how it goes.
harimosmummy, I slept ok last night. Ds is still sleeping in our bed. We've bought him some new bedding & curtains, and we're going to get him a night light too, so I'm going to start trying to get him to sleep in his own room asap. I have tried before to get him into his own bed, but he isn't a very good sleeper and I kept bringing him back in with us just so I could get some sleep. I've now stupidly started sleeping with dd next to me too. She's breastfed so co-sleeping just happened naturally, but now I'm considering switching to formula (I feel quite guilty about that too, I bf my son until I fell pregnant with dd, he was around 14 months, but I think switching dd to formula will be best for all of us) so now would be the time to move her into her cot.

I've taken the advice of a few people on here and set myself a couple of 'goals'. I'm going to phone my Mom, I'm going to get us all washed & dressed & I'm hoping the weather holds out so I can take them to the park. If it doesn't we may just put our wellies & waterproofs on and go and find some puddles to splash in. We'll see.
Thankyou all again, I'm going to look at the links posted now, and I'll definitely carry on posting here, I can feel it helping to just get it all out.

Oh, and to those who saw my pictures I forgot they were there, I put them on when I asked for some advice on how to get my hair cut. You're all very lovely though .

Ruth - thanks - (are you a namechanger ? Did you once look for something for me in Sainsburys ?? If you're not who I think you are, then that will make absolutely no sense whatsoever !)

Lucy - thanks for updating us. at your HV. What is your GP like ? There is honestly no shame in having PND. Perhaps make a double appointment at your GP for you and DD to discuss how you're feeling and get DD checked out for the crying.

Definitely try and get to the park - the weather looks a bit rubbish today but the dc's won't care and if its going to rain anyway, then it saves you the bother of having to do your hair .

The offer stands if you want to meet up. A group of us usually go to either M.S park or C.K softplay on a Thursday afternoon, depending on weather.

Lucy - Also with your HV. Do they take a course at making new mums feel shit???? Don't worry a jot about little cuts and brusies. Honestly, I bashed into a post at DS's gym class recently and the next day I had a massive, proper black eye I know people were looking at me thinking 'Hmmm DV' but I knew the truth.

You know your kids better than anyone else on earth. You KNOW when they are OK and when there is something wrong. My DS fell down some stairs a while ago, but I just KNEW he was OK. I didn't feel the need to take him to A&E because I absolutely felt he was OK.

Do talk to your mum. She sounds like she could be your strongest ally

Hope you have a lovely day!

Hoocie - that is a really good point you make.

Both of my kids have been mixed fed from birth and DD was entirely formula fed in abotu 4 weeks, but this was right for me / her and a decision I feel entirely comfortable with.

But it does sound like the OP isn't totally set on the idea, in which case it might actually affect her confidence more if she feels that she has 'failed' in some way (which I am NOT saying - just that you do have to believe in the decision you are making)

"the only worry I have about that is that I think she already thinks I'm not a great Mom because when my son cut his hand at my Moms I didn't get him into hospital straight away. It was only because my Mom lives in the middle of nowhere & she wasn't home, and I didn't know if the cut was serious enough for an ambulance. She saw me outside of the dr's a couple of days later and questioned me about it,"

Lucy, I just wanted to say that if you did take your DS to hospital, and it sounds as if you did, the HV will have been informed; they always are if there has been an accident, and they have to follow it up. When my DS had an accident the HV came round to the house! The very fact that she knew she only needed a quick chat with you outside the Doctors shows that she knew there was nothing to worry about.

Second what everyone else says on here, wish I could give you a hug and a hand.

Lucy, not directly connected to what you posted but I just wanted to say I looked at your photos of your little ones and you on your personal page and you have the most gorgeous lovely children, well done to you, I hope you feel better soon and you have lots of reasons to feel proud