I have come to the end of the road - for my children's sake as well as mine

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

I am just going to post everything and hope for the best.

I was in and out of care, foster homes, children's home as well as seeing my mother sometimes. Was told yesterday I have attachment disorder. Clear why and tbh not the reason for this post really.

My children mean everything to me but I have become 100% a mum and do nothing else and tbh it is getting me down and I am feeling unappreciated and a bit resentful - even though some of the stuff I do is what I want to do (baking for example) but I think I can be a bit if a martyr sometimes {light dawns}

My children are 8.11, 6.7 and 4.9. Difficult ages to have all at the same time and all with different personalities and needs.

My stress levels are sky high, my fuse is almost none existent and I am just so tired both emotionally and physically. I am still in pain from an accident in November too.

None of these are excuses for not coping with the kids but reasons I guess.

I shout most days and have smacked ds1 twice in 2 days. It broke my heart to see his face after and when I asked him if he had finished he asked me if I had finished smacking him for the rest of his life. I don't want to smack him, it doesn't work and it wrong imo in this situation. I smacked him without thinking and that is bad as I had lost control. I apologised to him but I don't blame him for not believing me when I have apologised before and smacked him again today.

Paid help is not an option and going to classes is something I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

I have decided today to rest, watch tv and eat chocolate to just take some time out but I need to find a way to grow my fuse.

I have deeper issues which I can't explain here (can't find the words) but I need to find a way to almost step back and look after my children better.

Irony is I was a fabulous nanny.

Oh poor thing. I don't know what advice I can offer actually, as not really very good at saying what I mean.
Anyway, hope you get your problems sorted.

Thanks Saltire .

Every morning is the same, I send them in to school, walk home feeling rubbish and then spend the rest of the day worrying about them and wishing they were here and okay.

I understand the pain and tiredness aspect - I have Fibromyalgia which causes 24/7 pain with me and periods of the most awful fatigue, and during these times I feel very useless as a parent. I also, during these times ahve a short fuse, and tend to shout and yell - none of which does any good, but they are excuses for not coping well, if you are mentally and physically tired it affects everything

How do you manage to stop yourself losing your temper? How old are your children and how many do you have?

Fab I thought this might be you. I know I don't "know" you well on here, but I have noticed your posts and I think you fight really hard to do your best a lot of the time. What you describe is yes maybe not ideal, but no worse that what happens in a lot of households with several demanding and exhausting DC. Don't be too hard on yourself and keep trying.

I know that being a parent when you had a dysfunctional childhood is not easy (though my issues weren't the same) but you can conquer it. It might sound cheesy but counselling can really help and has made me a much calmer parent I think, than I would have been otherwise. Even if you have had therapy before, it could still help you now. Look into all your options - ask the GP if you can get NHS help, look for local family therapy centres (you can go alone) where you pay according to your means, etc. Also could you consider getting a job of some kind if you don't have one? - to give you another angle and another "self".

You might also find Parentline useful.

Fab to what extend do you feel the enormous pressure to be the mum for your kids that you never had?

If you've never done it before google 'good enough mother'.

Saying this because hv recently commented on my ds's appropriately clingy/don't know you wanna stay with mummy behaviour - she said that it was just right, that he obviously trusted his mummy to keep him safe.

That afternoon it dawned - my child has a secure attachment to me, his dad and a few other secure adults in his life (close friends mainly, we have little family and grandparents live abroad). I broke down in tears and did the same a week later in therapy (first time I ever cried in that room). I had NO idea what a big deal it had been for me...

Rambling again, and I'm at work too. But the first case I picked up today featured a neglected/abused child with an insecure attachments to his mum and it has thrown me six miles.

You are a good enough mum and that's what your kids need.

I am having therapy mostly on a weekly basis but tbh I feel I don't go there to talk about the kids but to try and deal with my childhood, but I do always end up talking about the kids because my childhood is affecting how I parent my kids.

I feel a huge pressure to give my children what I never had but the pressure comes from me. I am insistant they have decent shoes that fit perfectly as I remember the pain of having to wear shoes that are too small. They have more clothes than they really need as I never had enough. They have thousands of books but that is because reading was all I had as a child but I had to buy my own whenever I was given some money. Mostly the foster mother took it for herself but sometimes I was given money/book tokens and you could get a book very cheaply then. I am very fussy about what they eat as I was never fed.

I am wanting the kids to fix me as I can't fix myself and I am wanting them to show me how to do it as I don't know how and it is all wrong.

I tell myself to try harder and stop being a twat but immediately feel deflated as I know I will fail.

you have your diagnosis now.....is that making it easier,now it has a name to it?

my ex husband had an abusive mother....he tried to treat our kids the same way. (you are doing the opposite)

he was also jealous of me. being able to be a decent parent because i could model it on how my parents treated me. he didnt have that experience.

so i think,having seen the other side,that you are doing well!! better than most i'd say.

you lose your temper? is that anger aimed at your kids or yourself?

Of course the pressure comes from you. And it is so understandable. I would say keep talking about your kids in therapy as it will help you access and understand your own issues. The vulnerability, emerging independence and needs of my ds hit a lot home to me.

And pity doesn't help you but what a childhood. With me it was 'just' a case of my mum not coping after the death of my sister and (probably, cos she's dead now) not responding at all to my emotional needs.

But all this talk of shoes, clothes and books is hiding the real issue isn't it - love and acceptance. That's what you never had and what you are worried you're not giving them, but you are. Your ds asking if you were done smacking him for the rest of his life is testament to a lot of good stuff in his relationship with you or he would not express himself in that way.

It makes it easier in that I am not just crazy, I have a real problem.

Interesting you ask where the anger is aimed as I think it might be the children and me. At them because they won't behave or do as I ask 99% of the time and at me because I am an adult and should act like one.

I used to love childish things and would tell DH I was having my childhood as hadn't had one when I was small and then after this morning I told him I had had enough of being an adult, being a mother and having to do it all.

Fab - I think you want your children to have 'perfect' childhoods to make up for yours. But what you need to realise is that NO child has a perfect childhood. NONE. There is no such thing. Why is that? Because none of us are perfect. Not us as mothers. Not fathers. And not children.

I have a temper and have lost it many times with DS. I hate myself for it. But I have to accept that it was wrong but move on from it. I found the book 123 Magic - Effective Discpline for Kids was great insofar as it gave ME a way to not explode immediately. The counting was just enough time for ME to stay in control.

You cannot be perfect. Even if you did not have the childhood you did you would still shout at your kids. And you still would not be perfect. NOBODY IS PERFECT. Keep repeating that.

x-post wst. When my eldest was younger he was being very cheeky when the health visitor was here and she said he was a very secure little boy to do that. I am thrilled to bits they are not scared of me, have their own personality and the nerve to argue back (all things I never did, most days I daren't speak) but sometimes I wish they would just know when to stop.

I remember being in the last year at primary school and the teacher telling me to stop doing it. I wanted the last word so did it again and got caught and sent out of the classroom. My 6 year old dd is carrying on when told to stop and it reminds me of then with me.

x posts again - thank you buda. I have that 123 book so will have another look. Would I be really stupid if I drew a big 1 2 3 and stuck it on the kitchen wall as a visual aid?

Anything that helps, helps so not stupid at all. And I think it would be a fab (pun intended!) cue for all of you. Your children included.

Do you want to hear about my attempt at the 123 technique with DS when he was 3? He did something and I did the "That's 1", he did it again and I said "That's 2" so he got fed up, hit me (lightly!) and said "That's 3" and took himself off to the stairs!!!!

I think. Mine count once I say 1 too but they are laughing at me when they do it and are not sorting themselves out.

I am going to do some colouring in now. I loved colouring when I was small.

When I was doing my mammoth tidying and sorting session I did a few of the kids jigsaws as it was easier than counting and I really enjoyed doing them. A bit at times though when I was finding them hard.

Number 1 drawn and coloured in. Looks pretty good actually. Not sure what to say to the kids about why there are numbers on the wall as they already know I think I am rubbish at this and that I can't cope.

Sorry I didn't get back to you Fab. I ahve 2 DSes,aged almost 12 and 10.I don't often stop myself losing my temper, and there are times when the DSes ignore me completely and I don't have the physical or emotional energy to sort it out. I have been knwon to say "I'm going upstairs" and will lie on the bed for 5 mintues.

i often tell mine to do as they like i'm off upstairs. or i say 'you are all in charge,i'm putting baby to bed and going myself'...they are then perfectly behaved and organise each other with no fuss

i sometimes think they push the boundaries just for attention...i have 5 dc,on my own with them....i take myself away from the situation and they resolve it themselves

Saltire - your going upstairs idea is a good one and something I will try and remember. The 1 2 3 poster looks good and hopefully will help. I will try anything.

Wow TBB! 5 on your own. I take my hat off to you. Are they boys and girls or one sex?

I have a problem in that I am constantly worrying about how I am with them now will affect them later in life. Afterall my mother's actions have messed up my life. Doesn't help when you hear that having a depressed parent can mess you up .

I have always had difficulty in living in the moment, I am constantly waiting for the next thing and wishing my life away. That comes from being so unhappy in placements and just wanting to move somewhere else, on to the next stage in life, to somewhere where I will be happy.

I know why I am weird, just don't how to deal and live with it.

TBB - what are the ages of your children?

fab...i have 2 dd's ages 15 and 13 and 3 ds's aged 11,7 and just 2.....the older ones help out alot,i admit,and 11 year old ds tries to be man off the house. there dad is not allowed to see them anymore,his behaviour has got worse since i left....all because of his abusive mother apparently (psychiatrist diagnosed him with personality disorder)

his own mother who abused him,was abused herself. she was the only one of the 4 kids who was sexually abused by her father,and also,she wa the only one who was put into voluntary care.

TBB- that is so sad that your children have to be without a parent because of their grandparents and great grand parents actions. For a long time I was determined not to have children as my social worker told me if you are abused as a child you abuse your own.

Shit - am I abusing my kids? [panic]

Not sure I will cope if anyone says yes tbh.

FAB noooooooo! It can happen but it is
rare. Most people with an abuse history go on to be really good parents if a bit hard for themselves (! ring any bells yet??).

Can I recommend a book? Strong at the Broken Places is about how abuse survivors go on to lead positive lives and allow their past experiences to help them in a positive way. It is not a happy cclappy book about how cool it all is, but a book full of honest stories of how abuse survivors do NOT become abusive, subhuman outcasts...

no,you're not abusing your kids.....i shouldnt have put that thought into your head!! didnt think,sorry. was trying to say thats the way it CAN turn out,but highlight the fact you arent like that,,,iyswim!!??

to be honest,the ex has other problems,they cant all relate to his mother. he's violent and just bad. but the cycle of abuse has been stopped with him being kept away....he's not allowed near ANY children. his life has turned ut rubbish.....not like you,you've done something good! but i get from your posts that your foster carers werent good? none of them?

i'd like to foster one day...when my lot have grown up and gone! i grew up with foster parents living next door,i was friends with all the children they fostered and it was lovely!!

Fab....

I went through a tough phase of dealing with my DC's, and as I tried to grow strength and deal with so much, I learned to trigger two thoughts in my mind, It might not be an good way of getting through but it worked for me.

1, was to stop for a second and think what memories of me I wanted my children to have. Did I want them to end up with issues because of my depression?
2, And the other was to imagine someone I deeply respected and admired standing in the room with me.

Those two thoughts became my conscience and guides, and sometimes I still use them, because life can just be crap sometimes.
It took time, and time for you is essential. Unless you are feeling better about yourself, it is hard to give of yourself. And I think you have so much to offer... take care, xx