I have come to the end of the road - for my children's sake as well as mine

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

I am just going to post everything and hope for the best.

I was in and out of care, foster homes, children's home as well as seeing my mother sometimes. Was told yesterday I have attachment disorder. Clear why and tbh not the reason for this post really.

My children mean everything to me but I have become 100% a mum and do nothing else and tbh it is getting me down and I am feeling unappreciated and a bit resentful - even though some of the stuff I do is what I want to do (baking for example) but I think I can be a bit if a martyr sometimes {light dawns}

My children are 8.11, 6.7 and 4.9. Difficult ages to have all at the same time and all with different personalities and needs.

My stress levels are sky high, my fuse is almost none existent and I am just so tired both emotionally and physically. I am still in pain from an accident in November too.

None of these are excuses for not coping with the kids but reasons I guess.

I shout most days and have smacked ds1 twice in 2 days. It broke my heart to see his face after and when I asked him if he had finished he asked me if I had finished smacking him for the rest of his life. I don't want to smack him, it doesn't work and it wrong imo in this situation. I smacked him without thinking and that is bad as I had lost control. I apologised to him but I don't blame him for not believing me when I have apologised before and smacked him again today.

Paid help is not an option and going to classes is something I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

I have decided today to rest, watch tv and eat chocolate to just take some time out but I need to find a way to grow my fuse.

I have deeper issues which I can't explain here (can't find the words) but I need to find a way to almost step back and look after my children better.

Irony is I was a fabulous nanny.

I feel when I think how I was too scared to blow raspberries on DS1's tummy when a baby in case any found out and thought I was sexually abusing him. I suppose I am worried I am abusing them by shouting at them.

TBB - no need to apologise. I would have wondered it regardless of what anyone posted. It is kind of like when you are talking to someone and you realise why you do/feel what you do.

I had some fantastic foster parents from 3 1/2 to 7 and then my mum decided she wanted me back. I wrote a letter to my foster mum saying I didn't want to go and they definitely didn't want me too. My mother changed her mind the next day and said they could have me back. They said no as they couldn't go through it all again. I then went to another children's home where I was very happy. I visited a foster family twice and was asked if I wanted to live with them. I didn't but was worried if I said no I wouldn't get offered anyone else. It was horrific.

MW - thank you for taking the time to post. I know you have a lot on yourself. You okay?

I felt close to tears this morning so when I got home I came on here, put the tv on to watch the baby programme and ate lots of chocolate. After lunch I then cleaned the main bathroom and the downstairs loo, did a bit of hoovering and ironing and have felt much better.

This afternoon DS came out of school and apologised for this morning and told me not to go in the kitchen. His plan to make tea for everyone went a bit pear shaped when his friends popped round but he has done a picnic for everyone and when I asked him why he had done it he said to be nice. He also told me to have a rest.

Fab.. I am doing quite well at the moment.

I think you need to remind yourself that the very fact that you worry enough to be concerned that you are being a 'good enough' mum means you are already most of the way there.

FWIW, I spent a lot of time talking about my DC's to my therapist, as it is so relevant, and also became the key to unlocking where I was in my head. Having the children made what had happened at various stages in my life all the more real. But the counselling has a ripple effect, and as you gradually start yo untangle the mess that these experiences make of us, and reform into something closer to who you want to be, it spreads out to your relationships and the children benefit.

It takes time, so don't be hard on yourself, as long as you keep telling your DC's how much you love them and maybe sometimes admitting to them that 'Mummy is finding it hard today...perhaps we can help Mummy by doing X or Y'

Fab, Try to be kinder to yourself... This is hard but try and think of the good things about yourself... and get the DC's to make a list of things they love about Mummy...NO bad stuff....

Take care xx

you sound like a fab mum Fab. truly.

Fab, you are exactly that.

You are giving your DCs the best childhood you can. No child can ask for any more than that.

I don't do cooking etc with my DCs. You are giving them security and your time.

Your DCs will look back on their childhood with love and affection. They won't remember the odd smack, they truly wont.

I too have a temper and can remember being horrified when I found I had smacked my DS because I was so frustrated. I asked him the other day if he remember it and he said he had no idea what I was talking about.

If your counselling centres around you talking about your DCs, that is fine. Counselling doesnt normal follow a script and if it helps you on your journey of understanding and dealing with your childhood than so be it.

I think you are are an extraordinary person to have dealt with all that you have done and to be here today, with a partner and DCs.

You get those DCs to school every day in clean clothes, shoes that fit, are there for them when they come home, and give them warmth, security and a healthy dinner.

I am not sure I can tick all of those off on a daily basis.

YOu should be congratulated to be honest. You are amazing.

what was your diagnosis?

from what i have read on here, until you accept and learn and process that what your children do and how they behave is actually normal and your reactions of frustration/anger etc at times are also normal, you will be trapped in this cycle forever

your children are loved, clean , fed , cared for and are the centre of your world

that is beyond dispute

making yourself ill in trying to manafacture the non existent perfect family and life is totally defeatist

some days, shouting and being angry with your DCs is the only reaction and 99.99 % of parents would do the same

you are normal

so are your hcildren

normal is fine, normal can be perfect

Fab
Don't have time to post, must put the kids to bed. Marking my place to come back later.

Lulu - I have attachment disorder.

I am not trying to be perfect, I am just trying to do a half decent job. My point is I can't deal with them when they are arguing and fighting with each other and back chatting me and refusing to do what I ask.

I have been told by other mums that what my kids do is normal and for a short period I feel better but then it is just too much as it seems to be constant they are out of control.

Tonight was weird. I hadn't really planned their tea and asked them what they wanted. Things didn't go to plan but their tea ended up being - (with ds1 setting up some of it after banning me from the kitchen)

DS2 had a peanut butter sandwich, crisps, raisins, crackers, 6 maltesers, cold baked beans, cold spaghetti and cheese.

DD had cucumber and salad cream on crackers,
raisins, crackers, choc lolly.

DS1 had celery, crackers, raisins, crisps, maltesers.

Now if you have read much about me you will know that I am obsessional about the kids eating well and eating proper meals.

But the world is still spinning and they are all alive .

Fab
I think that you are doing a terrific job. In all your posts, the love you have for your DC just shines through.

That is what you are giving your DC. Unconditional love.

Whether they eat a wonderful home cooked meal for dinner or just have a plate of cereal, the most important thing that you can give them is your love and respect.

Dont be too hard on yourself

Sorry I didn't see this, Fabby. I can only agree with everyone else that you are a superb mum.
glad if you are a bit less upset this evening...mine are playing up so have to log off in a mo but thinking of you xxx

You have my number if you need it but it is upstairs to tell me on here if you text .

I hope youu get yours to bed soon and have a peaceful night.

I have another osteopath appointment tomorrow and he will tell me off for not taking more time for myself. What he won't understand is that spending 5 days clearing out the loft and the kids rooms and putting toys back together has actually helped me a bit. Tidy house = tidy head for me. Not finished but I sat on my bum this morning and did nothing and I will do more tomorrow.

what i meant is that your perception if perfect is children who never back chat or argue or do any of the stuff that children do

you are doing more than a half decent job

you're doing a great job and oyu need to start recognising that

I probably do expect too much from the kids but when there is more downs than ups I need to do something. Argh!

Yesterday was rubbish, this morning was rubbish but this afternoon was really good. Tomorrow is another day..

hey, in some ways i can empathise with you fab, i had a very traumatic delivery and my DS (4) was critically ill, i was also married to a very abusive man (now divorced) i loved my son so much until it became almost painful as i was so afraid of him dying....i found it very hard to just enjoy time with him and i felt unable to bond with him properly.
i too am poorly atm with severe back problems and am in pain and exhausted alot which really affects what i do with DS
i think sometimes you get so focused on what you should be doing with your child/children that you spend more thinking and worrying about it, getting anxious and then cross with dc because you feel like you are failing
i dont know if im making sense or not but when i read your post i could really identify with it.
i have had counselling before as i have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, OCD and PND. All this was related to the birth of ds and my ex abusing me.
i found it so helpful (counselling) It sounds to me like you are giving yourself a really hard time, you obviously try hard to give your children everything they need and more,neglecting yourself at the same time im sorry you had such a rough time as a child too, i cant begin to imagine.
i hope it helps to know you are not on your own x
(ps i know im waffling on here lol)

OP Just want to commend you on admitting to smacking your child and how you felt about it. I think it's a really helpful thing to talk about.
Can you get somemore excersize in order to clear your mind more?

Fab,

The fact you are worried, and are questioning your behaviour, shows what an empathetic person you are. You are not blaming your kids for when you mess up, and we all mess up sometimes.

I started a new tactic myself today with my DD. I tried acting and it worked. So if I felt angry I pretended that I wasn't. It felt ridiculous at first, like it was all a farce, and my DD thought so too. She actually looked at me and said "stop smiling", and I thought, Oh GOd this is so fake its not working.But it did begin to work. We had a much calmer day than normal, we really enjoyed each others' company, so faking actually turned into the real thing. She reflected my calm behaviour. The main thing is we don't go around believing we are perfect parents, but at the same time we have to strike a balance and not beat ourselves up too much

Hey Fab.. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and really sending you hugs and positive vibes.

I think the word 'coping' should be banned by the way.

Because the phrase 'not coping' somehow implies a failing on an individuals part. And the truth is...just how much should an individual have to cope with? That whatever life throws at us we should endure and 'cope' with it? Well I am sorry, but bollox to that.

Life has dealt you some crap hands and of course they have taken their toll. I would say, right now you need to really really take care of yourself..what do you need to start feeling whole again? How can you heal the inner child? Because as these things fall into place Fab, your children will just feel the benefits of a Mummy that isn't dealing with inner turmoil because life treated her badly.
These things are always a part of us (sadly), but with time, we can learn to control them, instead of them controlling us and making us feel helpless.

So some time for you is not just OK. It is important. Take care, wishing you some light in your life today xx

Thank you all.

This is the first time I have sat down today and I am having some crackers and cheese. Yum.

This morning ds1 was a pest but it didn't escalate like it normally does and I only shouted once when he was meant to be getting his school shoes, said he couldn't find them and then I found them as soon as I went in the kitchen to do his water.

I went over to see a neighbour leaving them strapped in the car. I came back and said What? No shouting, screaming, hitting, crying? DS1 said no, dd looked unsure and ds2 just looked . I just said, much better and drove them to school.

I have been for my osteopathy appointment this morning and he treated me craniolly so I don't care if they burn the house down when they come home at the moment.

I have taken their big box away as they knocked my flowers over and ds1 has already said it is okay ds2 it isn't in the bin, but they are not having it tonight as they have soaked some dvds with the flower water that are my FIL's. Normally I would give in but I will be calm and firm.

I have done lots of housework, prepared tea and will sit down for a bit now.

Thanks for all your support .

Fab, I really feel for you and I'm glad today has been better so far. I have developed a 'stony' face especially to deal with my kids' behaviour and I'm finding things much calmer. But it's still hard for me to separate their behaviour from my self esteem ishoos. Keep going you're doing really well!

I had some cranio treatment today. Felt very chilled.

Stuck to it with no Dr Who for ds1 after I told him no tv this morning. Often he earns it back but tonight I said no.

Great to see you sounding much happier, Fab. Well done.

Thank you.

Yesterdays session really helped.

Once I have the house sorted I want to redecorate and also get some weight off.

Fab, just really wanted to reiterate how great a Mom you are, you truly are.

YOu don't need to be perfect, none of us are, your DC sounds muchloved and well cared for, you need to care for yourself a little more.

I shout at my boys often and I then get upset when they have gone to school/childminders, but I am only human, 90% of the time I do very well, but we only ever remember the bad bits, don't we?

So pleased that you have some answers and can get through this, you deserve to know how lovely you are.

Thank you.

I am going to tidy the toy cupboard downstairs now.

redecorating will shift some weight...belie ve me!!

is this sunshine making you feel better? (assuming you have some wherever you are) it is me!!

Not getting to enjoy the sun as busy tidying but I will put the guinea pigs out later and sit with them for a bit.