really scared

[ellymouse]

i'm so scared i've been getting the voices again and i told my case worker and i wish i hadn't cuz what if they say i have to put the meds up and it hurts the baby? it'll be my fault if there's anything wrong with the baby and it just shows what a shit mum i am already that i cant get rid of them cuz the voices are right and i'm an awful person and if i could get the baby cut out of me now so i could kill myself so the baby wouldnt have to have such a shit mum i would but i can't and what have i done bringing a life into the world. i'm gonna be all on my own and the baby will just hae me cuz dh is getting sick of me too and my case worker barely talks to me cuz they're all tired of me and just wish i would go away and so do i but i dont know what to do. sorry about this post i'm just so scared i've tried music but i can still hear them and they wont leave me alone.

thats good it is hard not to think of the bigger picture, try and focus on little things, tonight i am focusing on each hour as that is all i can manage.

what kind of music have you been listening to?

morning ellymouse, i hope you had a good night

hi littlemarshmallow, i did get a few hours last night. think i just collapsed in the end after days of sitting rigid not even able to lay down. had the ipod on elbow which calms me down a bit, you have any music that does that for you? how was your night? i think if i can just get a few hours every night and keep using the headphones when it gets bad i can make it til my appt with case worker which i really didnt think possible yesterday.
thanks for all your messages little marshmallow your so nice!

my night was ok, i managed a few hours too, i use dvds to get to sleep as that allows me to try and focus on a story and not the stuff in my head

you are doing really good, just focus on getting through the little things, and you will get there

i'm glad you got a few hours. i've been staying away from the telly, i get confused sometimes and paranoid about stuff but i do like films i've seen a lot of times. will ask dh to bring some of my films round actually, that'd be good.

Hi ellymouse, I hope you are doing ok

Hi ellymouse, think today you saw your case worker? how did things go?
i hope you are ok

hi littlemarshmallow, sorry i havn't made it to the computer. i've had an awful few days, i went to the hospital for a scan and found out i have too much amniotic fluid and i might have diabetes (which is such a shock as i'm young and i didn't even worry about that before) and i'm probably gonna give birth early. today i feel pretty passive. sometimes i worry that i'm never happy unless there's something wrong and the worse things are going the better i seem to be but then that leads on to thinking well by thinking that i'm making these things happen so its my fault about the fluid and what a terrible person i am etc etc etc! so should probably stop trying to think at all really!
my case worker is going to talk to psych to adjust my meds but then this whole thing with the scan she also suggest i have a c-section so they can control when the baby comes and adjust my meds around it. so i'm a bit at the c-section bit and a bit dazed overall. sorry if this went on and on. how are you? how have things been with you? hope everythings alright and your still managing to get a few hours and hang on in there.

Oh ellymouse, I am sorry you have had such a rubbish few days.

It is good that you can talk to your case worker I can understand the bit dazed feeling, just take your time to understand everything as it will no doubt be overwhelming to be begin with.

i seem to spend my entire life flitting between manic energy and sitting around shell shocked, there's an elbow lyric 'in despair or incoherent, nothing in between' which reminds me of me hopefully when the meds get sorted i'll be on a bit more of an even keel.
it's good being on here as it stops me from reading every bit of literature on the web regarding too much fluid and diabetes, understanding half of it, gathering up all the scariest sounding bits in my head and crawling up the walls! so much information can be a bit of a curse sometimes! i've got the glucose test on fri up the the hospital so try and keep busy til then. and first ever antenatal class tonight so try to concentrate on that instead.
hows this week been to you?

I am having a pretty rubbish week tbh, but I suppose that is it to be expected as I had my initial assessment with the CPN last friday and haven't really felt that good since then, I am still waiting on medication, a phone call tbh anything would be nice, but that is all a longer story.

I know the feeling about too much information, it is scary at times, just try and focus on chucks of the day and get through those and you will make it to Friday, should follow my advice

how are you feeling this week ellymouse?