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Original poster

really scared

37 replies

ellymouse · 26/02/2010 10:22

i'm so scared i've been getting the voices again and i told my case worker and i wish i hadn't cuz what if they say i have to put the meds up and it hurts the baby? it'll be my fault if there's anything wrong with the baby and it just shows what a shit mum i am already that i cant get rid of them cuz the voices are right and i'm an awful person and if i could get the baby cut out of me now so i could kill myself so the baby wouldnt have to have such a shit mum i would but i can't and what have i done bringing a life into the world. i'm gonna be all on my own and the baby will just hae me cuz dh is getting sick of me too and my case worker barely talks to me cuz they're all tired of me and just wish i would go away and so do i but i dont know what to do. sorry about this post i'm just so scared i've tried music but i can still hear them and they wont leave me alone.

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LittleMarshmallow · 26/02/2010 10:25

Hi ellymouse, you arent a crap mum not at all. if you need someone to talk to could you call the samartians? they would listen to you and they dont judge honest.

YommyMommy · 26/02/2010 11:35

Ellymouse - hope you are okay??

Have the voices settled now?? Sounds to me like you are going to be a great mum, the baby isn;t even here yet and your worrying about him/her! If you were a shit mum you wouldn;t care about that wonderful little life inside you!

I hope you get the help you need - sounds like you moght need a new case worker - who gives a shit about their job!!!!

Please go back to your GP and tell them you need more help! They won;t up your med if they think it will damage your baby, so don;t worry about that!

(((((Big hugs from me)))) here if you want to chat x x x

GetDownYouWillFall · 26/02/2010 14:21

Don't panic Ellymouse! What med are you on at the moment, and what dose?

It's very unlikely it will harm your baby. Even meds that are shown to have an effect still only happens in 1-5% of pregnancies. And it's more important that you are kept well.

I understand it is a very scary time, and I can't imagine how frightening it must be to hear voices. No wonder you feel like a crap mum if you have a voice telling you that day and night! However, those voices are lying.

Is there a nice friend you could ring up and talk to?

Original poster
ellymouse · 26/02/2010 17:00

thanks, i dont deserve you being nice to me but thanks. i've had my ipod on all day and its helped a bit i'm just terrified about tonight, its worse in the dark. i just hope i get some sleep i'm so fucking tired.

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GetDownYouWillFall · 26/02/2010 17:06

can you have your ipod on headphones when you go to bed and hopefully you will fall asleep listening to it?

LittleMarshmallow · 26/02/2010 17:56

I used to have my ipod on when i slept it does help a little just take each day one day at a time, try breaking it down into small chunks, maybe aim for breakfast then lunch then tea ? dont know if it would help but only focusing on each helped get me through today.

And you do deserve kindness everyone does

GetDownYouWillFall · 26/02/2010 18:10
LittleMarshmallow · 26/02/2010 18:14
Original poster
ellymouse · 26/02/2010 18:16

i'll try that thanks, i'm just so scared. what if this never goes away its no kind of life the new meds dont stop it the old ones knock me out i cant win i cant stop it i dont know what to do.

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GetDownYouWillFall · 26/02/2010 18:22

It will go away, I know it feels like forever, but you are just going through an "episode" and your anxiety is sky-high because you are pregnant.

I bought this which did help me to some extent.

Have you got an appointment with CMHT?

LittleMarshmallow · 26/02/2010 18:25

ellymouse, someone told me today that if i kept worrying about getting better then it would make me more stressed / worried. it is harder to do than say though, and i do understand i dont hear voices but i do have flashbacks and i am terrified that they will never go away, but for tonight at least i have decided to trust the cpn that it will be ok and i can worry about it tomorrow.

LittleMarshmallow · 27/02/2010 18:52

Hey ellymouse just wondered how today had been for you?

Original poster
ellymouse · 27/02/2010 20:23

hello littlemarshmallow, thanks.
things are still bad i'm scared, all my friends are gone and my dh isnt interested, its just me and the voices. too scared to ring the crisis line after that other thread about social services, scared to talk to my case worker too. started worrying that they'll want to take him away and even dh and and my family are in on it, dont know who to trust.

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LittleMarshmallow · 27/02/2010 20:29

ellymouse, it is ok honest, i know about the other thread and i was scared too, scared that they would take my ds away, i saw the cpn and hv on friday and i told them my ds is my life, i need him to cope, i love him more than life itself and no i dont want him to go anywhere, they listened and although they cant promise anything as long as i can function and he is clean, fed and happy they are happy too. this is after i admitted to sh during my pregnancy and in really bad ways too.

if you want someone to talk to i am here, you can email the samaritans too if that would help you, they dont judge or ask details.

you can trust your dh he cares about you and wants what is best for you and your baby

mummyof2byapril · 27/02/2010 20:39

Dear god, ellmouse.
I hope your husband and family are prepared to stand up and take over when baby is born if they need to.
You sound very ill.

Your baby does need YOU though. He/she needs his mother to be strong, and caring and think about him.
Tell the voices to go to hell, that baby has one mother, he can have a mother who goes 'oh noo i'm too imcompetant' and gives up, or a mother who will be strong and fight to the death for him.
Mothers are very special to a child, he will instinctively know you and want to bond with you and be cared for and fed by you.
Can you toughen up and do what it takes for the baby's sake?

Original poster
ellymouse · 27/02/2010 20:57

oh god i knew i shouldnt have posted or told anyone. im not incompetant im just scared cuz of the voices but i knew i shouldnt have said, im not incompetant im still here and i havnt even sh'd even though i want to i havnt.

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LittleMarshmallow · 27/02/2010 21:00

ellymouse, it is ok, what did your case worker say when you told her? is there something that triggers the voices?
sorry for all the questions

willsurvivethis · 27/02/2010 21:04

ellymouse - big hug

Sorry that things are so rough. You will be and can be a good Mum. The people around you, including your dh do care.

Hang on in there x

kkey21 · 27/02/2010 21:13

Ellymouse, i saw your post and could not ignore even though i have no experience of anything like this.

I wanted to say you come across as beautifully caring and concerned which makes you one great person so please do let people in real life know how you feel so you can get all the support/help you need, as they are there to offer that.

You have been brave to post and it shows the strength you have inside for your baby as you obviously want to get the help you so deserve.

mummyof2byapril · 27/02/2010 21:14

I know you're not incompetant, I think all mothers have it within them to overcome their demons and do a good job, it's just how you choose to cope with it.
This forum is the last place you should worry about being open, we have no control over you, our opinions don't matter.
What your telling the professionals however will affect you.
Make sure they KNOW that you can, will, and are determined to cope with your baby.
You're just sleep depribed, extremely worried and nervous about it.
Do you know that many women will feel the same as you, they just chose not to be so open and honest about it?
Let nature take it's course and you'll pull through as a good, strong, confident mum.

Just sounds like you need to calm down! Can you take vallum or something similar to calm?

I'm only writing this to try to help BTW

Original poster
ellymouse · 27/02/2010 21:20

she made an appt for me to see the psych but he's left and i have to wait for the new one to arrive i'm supposed to see her on tues i guess they will have to put my meds up. i didnt want that but i dont want him taken away so i will go on a higher dose. i've tried so hard to stay well, i dont know what i've done wrong. thanks everyone though.

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willsurvivethis · 27/02/2010 21:22

You haven't done anything wrong, just like if you would have asthma or diabetes and you need more meds you haven't done aything wrong. it happens.

LittleMarshmallow · 27/02/2010 21:23

ellymouse, you havent done anything wrong, sometimes we get sick but we do get better step by step you will get there.

how is the ipod idea going? could you maybe use that when you start hearing the voices or turn the radio / laptop really loud, might distract you is all (sorry if it sounds useless)

Original poster
ellymouse · 27/02/2010 21:50

ipod helped last night thanks, think i will put it on really loud tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellymouse · 27/02/2010 21:50

ipod helped last night thanks, think i will put it on really loud tonight.

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