Feel so alone and down

[UnderneathTheStream]

I don?t really have any friends ? good colleagues, acquaintances etc ? I?m just not good at making ?good? friends and then staying in touch with them.

I don?t have any family really ? a mother who couldn?t care less, a brother who for his own reasons cut off contact with the family. Cousins I have met maybe twice if that.

I do have a lovely DP though ? he left for his yearly skiing holiday yesterday. I don?t want to ring him up in tears and make him feel guilty for enjoying himself, I want him to have a good time.

But I feel so sad and lonely and like a waste of skin. Surely if I was worth having around I?d have people who wanted to be around me.

I?ve not been drinking tonight, so I?m not maudlin, just so, so sad.

That?s it really ? I know no-one can fix it, but I don?t have anyone to ring, so I?m putting it up here?.

Ah fuck it. What?s the point anyway.

hello underneath. Thanks for posting, you are not alone. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lonely, not surprising with your DP away. How long is he gone for? Do you have DC?
Have you had treatment for depression?
You mention difficulty making friendships and maintaining them, well a lot of people feel like that too. The thing is, it can be part of the depression. Going through my depression one of the main things I struggled with is just plain old talking , I found it all such an effort, to the point of it physically hurting with the effort of talking to people so I basically just gave up. That sent me into a horrible spiral of self pity and self loathing. With treatment you can get better though. Have you thought of CBT?
What's the situation with your mum, could you make contact, or if not poss just write a letter even if you never send it? Could help you to bring emotions to the surface that you are pushing down?
Sorry you are lonely, sending you a HUG x

Hi Stream, I know how the house feels when my dh goes away and it really does feel a hundred times emptier than before. I think a lot of people have quite similar situations on friendships, it's hard to keep in touch especially when you are maintaining your own family. But you sound like you are starting to dislike yourself because of it. You don't need to do that..you are lonely, not a waste of skin. Don't think that about yourself.

Hi underneath

Sorry you're feeling so low. I don't have any magical words of advice I'm afraid, but I know how lonely it can be when you're rather isolated and your DH goes away.

It's hard to make friends, particularly as you get older and everyone has their own carry on. I just wanted to offer you a very un mumsnetty hug!

GDYWF thanks for replying.
No I don?t have children, which is part of the problem. I have always wanted children. I was trying for over 5 years with my exH before I found out he knew he couldn?t have children. I had a miscarriage just over a week ago, and think I?m never going to have children and I?d probably be a crap mother anyway because I?m so selfish and lazy. Oh yes and I?m getting old.

Have had major depressions fairly regularly but had been fine since meeting my DP about 2 years ago. And I?ve had eating disorders for most of my twenties. And alcohol problems. And self-harmed!

I ring my mother and try to visit regularly but she?s as self-centred as a spinning top. Actually, she did ask me how I was tonight when I rang to see how she was ? but then didn?t actually give me time to answer, so that?s all right then.

Ah crap, and I?ve got work tomorrow and have to hold it together in front of a load of teenagers who don?t want to learn and just want to wind you up. So that?s the final nail: crap at my job too? If anyone wants to do any teacher bashing they might as well aim it my way!

Sorry for the majorly long essay.

Upandrunning and pushmepullyou thanks for replying as well.
I do feel a bit better just for having been ?heard? if that makes sense?

In answer to the other question yes I?ve done CBT in the past. It sort of helps when I?m ok but not when I?m down if that makes sense?

Oh Stream I'm so sorry for your loss. You poor thing. You must be crushed. Oh how awful. Don't you need a little more time off?

Listen hun - I'm a bit at your dp having departed on a HOLIDAY without you a week after you miscarried!!!!

You have every reason to call him and tell him how you feel and get a big long distance hug!!!

I feel so sorry for you. Have you had any appointment or chat with doc about what it means for you? Is your own health ok?

I thought I was fine, I can?t go with him term time anyway and he deserves his own space. I was fine with him going ? he?s been a rock and I thought he needed to get away. Just didn?t think I would crumble like this?

Crumble away, you can't pretend not to feel it. I have just written on another thread how women always feel the need to protect partners from the pain of miscarriage. I've done it too. I can see why you feel the need so much of a close friend or relative right now. And it really doesn't mean you are never going to have children.

I know it doesn?t mean I won?t have children ? it just feels that way. And now I?ve got a headache from crying all evening!

Good confidence. Am joining the others and sending you a hug, and would also like to run you a bubble bath, deliver you some tea and toast and make you a hot water bottle

ps good luck with the teenagers tomorrow. Still think you could do with more time off.

He deserves his own space - maybe, but you deserve support right now! He doesn't need a break from you - you feel that because of the way you feel about yourself x

Thanks for the tea and sympathy! Actually that was all I ate yesterday as it was all I fancied.
Anyway the terrifying teenagers today were all rather sweet and pleased to have a ?proper teacher? back, although I did have only my nice classes today.
So I should be ok?. But I?m not? still feel really down and depressed and lonely.

Hi Stream am just off to bed but just want to say I'm glad today wasn't too bad. Keep on taking care of yourself, you've been through a lot.

Dear stream sorry to hear of your recent hard times. I think half term you need to give yourself some serious tlc money permitting a break or holiday of somekind.If money short a few good old choccie and dvd sessions. Please try to stay off the booze, rich coming from me who drank enough this weekend to sink a ship.The booze really does make a dark place seem darker .I am having current battles with this myself at the moment so can relate. Please tke care the time will fly till dp gets back plan something nice for then.

Stopping drinking will make things seem so much better.

Hi underthestream sorry to hear of your loss, its a terrible thing to go through and can bring up every kind of bad feeling you have going. Well done for staying on the upside for the last two years. Take care to get some support through this - coming on here is a good start. There are plenty of threads relating to miscarriage, and there's also one for trying after miscarriage (which I'm on and finding a great help) Sorry I don't know how to link to threads but the one I'm on is on the conception topic and you'd be most welcome. It sounds like you are a great partner, and a great teacher and I'm sure that before long you'll be a great mother too

Feeling bad today as well. It's just been such a long, lonely one with no-one to talk to.
Sorry about the miscarriage- and I would probably not think now was a good time to go away and leave my partner for a week either (and I love my ski-ing).
Have a humungous hug from a complete stranger... ((()))

MIFLAW I am not drinking and haven?t been a problem drinker for years. I had a couple of glasses of wine with my DP Friday with a meal and that?s the only drink I?ve had in months due to TTC and then being pregnant.

And no, not drinking is not making things seem better.
I said I had HAD alcohol problems ? with me the depression comes first and all the other problems came as a result of trying to self-medicate.

Sorry, I didn?t mean to ignore everyone else who came on with positive comments!

Fatseal ? sorry to hear you?re not feeling great. Anything that telling a perfect stranger would help with?

Today was a bit rubbish ? the last few nights I have still been awake at past 2am and the alarm clock goes at 6.30 so I?m tired, but not sleepy. Ended up crying on a very sweet but slightly non-plussed (male) colleague, who tried to cheer me up as if I was his youngest daughter? actually made me laugh but I?m a bit old for peekaboo?

I didn?t cope well with my noisy year 8s ? kept on missing on behaviour cues. Not sure they learned a lot either? ah well.

Beautiful sunset tonight, but I still feel very alone. I keep trying to look for hints that its worth sticking around, but surely if I was worth being around, then more people would like to have me around more ? IYSWIM.
SarahMumtoAlex, I?ll check that thread out. Thanks.

? and it?s getting worse ? I keep wanting to self-harm or take a load of pills or something

..and apparently no-one cares. Not even on MN.
Texted and tried to ring a few people yesterday - no one replied.
Texted my brother to ask if he?d had my text from a week ago telling him about the miscarriage ? he hasn?t replied to either.
DP on holiday doesn?t seem to understand why I am still upset and should buck myself up..

You are not alone UTS - saturday night is not a great night to get lots of responses on mn.

How sh*t that your friends haven't replied and your dh is not supportive.

just out of nosiness when you text/called your friends did you tell them you were struggling or did you politely suggest that maybe you should meet up sometime soon?

If you don't tell them they can't support you

Hope you get some sleep.