Feeling down. Finding it difficult to make friends. Need help to move on from past issues.

[HalfMumHalfBiscuit]

I live in a very small village. I have a DS aged 3.5 and a new DD 12 weeks old.

I was working full time with DS in nursery near my work but he is now going to nursery and part time school in the village. The local mums seem to all know each other and their DC's spend time together.

My DS has been left out of parties and play dates and often asks to go to certain kids houses but I don't feel I can just turn up at their houses. Often I see other mums chatting and arranging play dates in my earshot but they do not include me or my DS.

I take this all very badly as I was terribly bullied at school by a group of girls and was excluded from the group. This has left me not trusting women so much and feeling very bad for my DS who is sometimes left out as I was. He does not notice or seem to mind.

I'm feeling a bit down about this as I do try to be friendly and chat to people. The only person who invites us in for a cuppa is one of the dads.

I am a friendly person. I do chat with people at the school gate.

The mums are planning to take their DC's sledging this afternoon but it will be difficult for me to go because DD is only 12 weeks old and it will be far to cold for her and difficult for me to manage her brother at the same time. The weather does not seem to be helping with play opportunities and I am getting increasingly isolated.

I am going to make an effort to go to a mum and toddler group on Fridays but DS has not been co-operative in getting there so far.

I am feeling a bit sad about this and would appreciate any advice. It is difficult for me not to take this personally and it is bringing up old painful feelings that people don't like me.

I had a leaflet mentioning massage but I've lost it...I wonder how I'll find out about it again considering I don't know who was running it, or where it was...!!

Mine is run by local health visitors. You could give your lot a call. They tend to know about the groups in the area too. The NCT website has local groups too. And maybe your local council website?

I made a big list of all the ones I could get to ages ago (and have not been to any yet apart from on Friday.

Pedicure sounds lovely. I went to the osteopath - he thinks I have a hernia! I am in shock..... Have to go to GP tomorrow and start whole process of getting it sorted. A bit dispiriting after the last 3 months of 2 throat infections (me), swine flu (all 4 of us) chest infection (me).... Had hoped I'd now be healthy enough to enjoy the rest of my maternity leave but I'm now not convinced. Sigh . Ah well, will try to make sure I have lots of things to do next week to keep busy but without making my current ailment worse.....

Oh no Jolene! That sounds awful. Keep boosting your immunity with lots of vitamin C to ward off anything else.

Have they told you how to get rid of the hernia? I don't know much about them at all.

Look after yourself.

Me neither, it has just freaked me out! I think that I will need to see a specialist who will confirm that I definitely do have one and what kind... then there will be an operation. Eek. Not sure how on earth you're meant to manage recovering from that (no lifting, lots of rest...) when you have kids. Any ideas? Have v supportive DH but he has to work long hours and my family live up north....

I thought they just went away with time?
Could you get anyone to come stay with you while you recover?

This morning I had coffee with a dad from school and we discussed a situation where one of the kids in our children's class has been hitting kids with sticks. Just discussing how the school is dealing with it. I thought my DS had been hit (as he told me so) but it turned out he hasn't (phew). Will keep an eye on things though.

I also found out that a group of the mums and dads have been spending lots of time with each other and have formed a bit of a group (of about 3 families) and its probably unlikely that I and DS will ever join in with that group. But we might be able to get to be friends with them individually. I am in an upbeat mood today so this isn't bothering me.

That's really good news that you've had chance to talk about it and to chat generally, well done you.

I've found that some parents are definitely more welcoming than others. I mean that in relation to groups I've been too. As referenced previously, the school gate does not hold out the promise of lots of socialising either for me or DS1 . However, there is a music group I can take DS2 along to on Monday morning so I will make sure I go to that.

I feel ok though a weekend with friends reminded me how much I miss them and also gave DS2 rare chance to play with another baby. So in that respect it has made me more determined to get a grip on this!

Hernia - I'm going to be referred for a scan. I think it depends on type, size, how long you've had it.... If I do need an op, think we'll have to invest in a sofa bed as currently no spare room - became DS1's bedroom for his 4th birthday

The music group sounds like a good idea. Kids definitely love playing with each other so will be good for both of you.

Sofa bed sounds good too. Then people can come help you out if nec.

trying to type with dd on lap. not v good

I am just going to get this out of my system. I know most of this is irrational.

I just had a cuppa with a friend and loads of stuff came up for me. I just keep feeling that people don't like me. Even this friend who I have known for nearly 4 years! I didn't say anything to her because its not her, its me being mental.

She told me how she had visited with another mum in the village by popping round to see her because she had said to stop by. I just couldn't help wondering why this woman never asks me to stop by? I have known this woman for 3 or so years but she always seems to blank me or have very short conversations with me but I know she invites other people and their kids round. I keep wracking my brains to think why she doesn't like me. She is a SAHM, I went back to work so is this why? Does she think I parent differently?
She is a very full on mum and when I had DS she always seemed so perfect and I had terrible PND and felt totally inadequate. I wonder if I acted wierd to her or something?

Or, is this me being wierd? Maybe she just doesn't like me? and I've just got to deal with that. She is very focused on her children and doesn't normally talk about anything else (at least not to me).

I'll probably see her at the school gate. I will try to make an effort to speak to her and maybe ask her how she is.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Venting is always good!

Sounds like the differences in your situations may be a factor - not that she disapproves but that you have different circumstances. I am closer now to a friend who also went back to work and do feel there is a slight distance beween me and those who did not go back. Time has always been a factor - I've usually only ever been free at weekends and that tends to be when they want to do family stuff so we just don't see each other as much. I have also found it very hard to spend a lot of time with people who only ever want to talk about their kids. In my experience they have tended to be the kind of people who looked down on me for having a c section and failing to breast feed my DS1 - not through want of trying I might add! PND is the pits, I've had it both times and this time round I also had depression in my pregnancy. Marvellous.

However, by going to this craft guerilla evening (once a month) when I can that at least gets me out and about on my own. I'm also going to a bookgroup for the first time this Thursday. Still reading the book. Am very nervous as I will only know one person there but I am hoping it will help me know a few new friendly faces. It doesn't solve the situation with DS2 getting to know other babies but if I can get to the under 18 months group on Friday and the music group on MOnday then I will feel a lot more positive about that.

Lots of luck!

thanks jolene. cant believe our circumstances are so similar.
1 handed typing again due to bfeeding dd.

i think you are right about the work/non work issue. all the non working mums have chummed up leaving us on the sidelines.

you are right on the time thing too. my dh is not v sociable and would rather stay at home than meet others so i tend to stay too.

i had a c section with ds that led to to pnd. i was not my normal self so others may have thought i was unfriendly but in reality scared and feeling down.

thankfully no pnd this time but i am noticing these occasions when i feel really down and a bit lonely and i try to act on them before i go into myself IYKWIM. sounds like you are taking positive action too.

It is definitely hard. I found at work I was looked on as being a bit strange for working full-time - not by my own department who were (and are) lovely - but by others, especially when they found out we didn't have a nanny or anything! My stay at home friends never openly disapproved but I know that they don't share my life choices (otherwise they'd be working too...) so perhaps there is an element of me subconsciously expecting others to judge me. Oh, the things we do to ourselves.

I had c sections both time but this time it was planned, not emergency and it definitely helped with my recovery. Although I'm on tablets and still have my bad days, touch wood, it has not got as bad as it did with DS1 when at times I thought I might actually be going mad!

hope you have a good evening jolene2.

DS currently going mad upstairs. DD tired and wants her last feed and bed. DH late home. Am exhausted. maybe crack open the gin in a bit .

I remember being so tired months after the c section. It really takes it out of you.

I know what you mean about work too. There aren't many mums who go back to my work so I was the odd one out there too.

By the way, bumped into said mum at school and she was dead nice . And another mum talked to me so maybe it is in my head.

Both boys in bed. Well DS2 sound asleep but suspect DS1 has got out of bed and is indulging in some roaming around. With luck he will settle. He was in a very fragile mood after school yesterday - on the naughty step within 1/2 hour of getting home! I hope that is just part of getting used to it all.

DH is out swimming with the triathalon club. Nutters, the lot of them. I love running but think my (suspected) hernia will mean I have to pull out of 1/2 marathon I have entered - March but can't see me being able to do enough training!

DS1 tidied his toys away - result. However, when I was upstairs putting DS2 to bed, all the toys came out again.

Have glass of wine to assist with cooking. Ahem .

Meeting friend tomorrow for coffee and then going to osteopath in hope that he can repair at least some of the cracks!

HMHB

Chaos reigns here so a quick post to say hope things are continuing to look up. I've had an interesting (!) week - you'll see on the other thread about DS1's school issues.... On the other hand, I did go to book group last night (my first one) and I really enjoyed it.

Have a lovely weekend.

well done jolene. been busy here too.

will check your other thread.

i went to baby massage this week which went really well. my head still normal.

have a good one

in laws visiting here so frantic tidying

I nearly didn't make it to rhyme time, I was feeling v pathetic (silly cold) and DS2 was asleep. Anyway, I thought if we don't go this week, I'll just find another excuse next week.... So, we went! He loved it, hurray. I will take him again. Got to make of the last few months of (relative) freedom before it's back to the grindstone.

HOpe you're ok.

Hi Jolene, yes I am fine.

Well done for making it to rhyme time. Really good.
These colds are rubbish aren't they. Did you manage to speak to anyone?

I've been doing really well. I'm going to email you with the details.