Feeling down. Finding it difficult to make friends. Need help to move on from past issues.

[HalfMumHalfBiscuit]

I live in a very small village. I have a DS aged 3.5 and a new DD 12 weeks old.

I was working full time with DS in nursery near my work but he is now going to nursery and part time school in the village. The local mums seem to all know each other and their DC's spend time together.

My DS has been left out of parties and play dates and often asks to go to certain kids houses but I don't feel I can just turn up at their houses. Often I see other mums chatting and arranging play dates in my earshot but they do not include me or my DS.

I take this all very badly as I was terribly bullied at school by a group of girls and was excluded from the group. This has left me not trusting women so much and feeling very bad for my DS who is sometimes left out as I was. He does not notice or seem to mind.

I'm feeling a bit down about this as I do try to be friendly and chat to people. The only person who invites us in for a cuppa is one of the dads.

I am a friendly person. I do chat with people at the school gate.

The mums are planning to take their DC's sledging this afternoon but it will be difficult for me to go because DD is only 12 weeks old and it will be far to cold for her and difficult for me to manage her brother at the same time. The weather does not seem to be helping with play opportunities and I am getting increasingly isolated.

I am going to make an effort to go to a mum and toddler group on Fridays but DS has not been co-operative in getting there so far.

I am feeling a bit sad about this and would appreciate any advice. It is difficult for me not to take this personally and it is bringing up old painful feelings that people don't like me.

Hello HMHB you are/were on my antenatal thread

Sorry to feel you are feeling low, this weather is not helping atall is it? I feel stuck in a bit too. I have definatly gone out less due to the snow.

Re the playdates, if I were you, I would ask ds who he likes and then when you have worked out who the mum is, just go up to them and say 'hello {and smile} my son is always mentioning your son/daughter I was wondering if we could arrange a play date?'
I have done this before and it always tuns out ok.
I'd also get a date sorted there and then. Say 'what days are best for you?, shall we get a date sorted now?' Chat about the weather, driving/getting about in the snow, school, what their dc's are wearing...anything!!!

Sorry I can't type more, am bf 12 week ds2 .

Deffo go the friday group. MAKE youself go. You will feel much better if you do.
Bribe ds1 with a treat if he's reluctant!!

I really sympathise as I have been in exactly the same position. That feeling of being left out and excluded when young doesn't ever seem to go away. I was in a similar position to yourself a few years ago but it has really got better over time. You just need to get more confidence in yourself, these mums do not know you at all and do not know your past, for all they know you have always been the most popular person around!

I guess you just need to make the first move a bit more. Latch onto a nice mum and invite her round to you or arrange to meet up. Or take the initiative from your DD. Ask her who she likes playing with at school and then go up to the mum and say that your DD really likes her DD and would like to have her to play, everyone likes to be flattered. Make sure you do some sort of party for your DD when it is her birthday.

You only really need to get one or two social arrangements before others will see you joining in and start to include you.

Good luck, really try to look at this as a fresh start and although you feel pain at being excluded when you were young, this could all change now .... but give it time.

Thanks princessmel. Think you are right about the weather. Feel like I've been stuck in for ages. Snow + babies is not a good mix.

I'll make an effort for the Friday group. I think DS likes me to himself a bit (due to arrival of DD) so is not that keen on going places.

Frankie - I know your advice is right but it seems really scary for me to ask a mum for a play date. I'll have to be extra brave I guess.

We will definitely have a party for DS when he is 4 in July. He hasn't had birthday parties for the last couple of year as we have been on holiday or at grannies house so that may also be a reason why we are off the social scene.

It might seem scary but will be worth it.
Maybe they haven't invited you because they assume you are too busy or sorted friends wise.
When are you next going to school? Do it next time you go. Go on I dare you!

Say the little convo I typed in my first post and also say ' you could come to me, or me to you , or even soft play...etc' Be friendly and flexible.

Thanks Princessmel. DS wanted to play with the little girl who's dad I am brave enough to speak to, does that count?

If you are really pushing me there is a little boy that he would also like to play with but I haven't seen his mum or dad about recently (obviously I am going to make excuses on this).

Sorry, I put DD instead of DS!

The first few times I asked mums for playdate I was so nervous I was almost shaking, but you will feel so good once you have done it. You can't just wait for people to ask you. Also, try to join in with things at the school like PTA or helping out at the school fair etc, as it is a good way of getting friendly with mums.

Thanks frankie3. Good to hear other people have been through the same. This whole school thing is new for me and brings up a heap of issues. I feel so daft about it.

HMHB Yes that counts So talk to him first and get a date sorted for this week or next week.
AND talk to the boys parent/adult. You can ask the teacher (or the other mums!) who his adult is. Get them to point them out. Honestly once you've done it a few times it is much easier. Is there anyone else with a baby like you (and me)? That would be good for conversation ideas.

I think there is someone who has recently had a baby. I can ask about to find out. Otherwise I don't know anyone else.

I just checked my email as I emailed here last year to help raise funds for the nursery and it looks like she is not due til April. But there must be some other babies around.. I'll be brave again and ask.

Thats brilliant!!! April is not far off...Very positive Look out for buggys and prams.

What time is your next pick up?

Picking up DS at 3.15pm

I have noticed that there is not much chatting going on at the school gate recently due to the cold.

There is one lady with a pram. I guess she has a 6 months old dd. I have spoken to her in Tesco's. Will look out and be more observant. Lots of new names/facts to learn.

I should also point out that there is a bilingual aspect to this too as this is a Welsh village and I am English. Most of the ladies I know to speak to are English and there are some people I haven't spoken who are Welsh and are the main stay of the village (i.e. with families going back generations). To be honest I find them to be lovely but they do tend to stick in groups speaking welsh to each other.

Actually I have remembered I owe someone (not a school parent) a jar of honey (we keep bees) so could drop that off today too.

I recognise these feelings.... I worked full time after DS1. He went to nursery full time and seemed to love it (phew) although it was hard for DH and me to juggle everything, it did work for the mostpart. On leave with DS 2, DS1 was at nursery part time and while it was lovely to have him around a bit more, it really hampered my ability to get to groups with DS2 and I now feel very lacking in confidence . I got myself on a baby massage course and the other mums all seemed lovely but then swine flu struck, all 4 of the family were sick and I never made it to the rest of the course!

Now DS1 is at school, I am hoping that I will be able to feel brave enough to go to some groups and make new friends. I probably only have 2 or 3 months of leave left so would love my boy to get to hang out with some other babes so I must try harder

HMHB - I empathise about the bilingual thing. I live in East London and love the fact it is so diverse and there are so many different cultures around. However, it does make things a little tricky when it comes to play dates and meeting new mums. Lots of luck xx

Thanks Jolene. I have been brave and asked the dad of the little girl if she would like to come round after school. He said yes and she and my DS have been playing lovely. I've made them tea (and ice cream ) and my DH has come home and her dad and him are getting on well. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

Jolene, maybe we could keep posting on this thread (or another) to encourage each other to have the confidence to meet new people etc. and post our progress. Sounds like we both have a similar situation with the DC's and work and missing out on meeting people.

Woohoo!!!!! HMHB!!!!!!

That's great And double great that the dads get on so well

Deffo ask the other boy's parents next...

Thanks princessmel.

I kept an eye out for the boys parents but it looks like he is picked up by a childminder type person. So I might have to be double brave and pick up the phone or something.

I shall also observe who DS is playing with and talking about in case he wants to play with anyone else.

Feeling a lot better this evening.

Can't believe taking DS to school could bring up so much stuff!

HMHB - definitely! So glad that you've made a positive start, you're inspiring me to dig out the timetable for our children's local children's centre!

Thanks Jolene2, got your other message too.

We were really late to school this morning so didn't manage to speak to anyone really. Am feeling a lot more positive today.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Jolene - you should definitely get that timetable out. I think I will be on maternity leave for another few months too. I think I might start a thread about what to do while on maternity leave with or without DCs.

It's out! An under ones plus group I can go to next Friday - can't go tomorrow as I am going to osteo, being something of an old croc at the moment!

Had coffee with a lovely friend this morning and we had a good moan and set the world (sort of) to rights. She also mentioned that there is a baby yoga class at one of the clinics about 10 mins walk away so I'll investigate that

Chin up!

Hello HMHB
Did you arrange anything today or get out of the house?

I was out walking from 1.30 till 5pm!!

Went from here to the surgery to weigh ds2, then popped to a baby group for a very brief stop off. It was too early to go straight to school. Then walked to school to collect ds1 and dd then walked to Ballet then home!!!

I have also decided to go to a toddler group tommorow that I used to go to with dd and arranged people for coffee on tuesday and wednesday.

Jolene - sounds good. I occasionally go to the osteopath, they are brilliant.

Princessmel - I did get out. Did a few errands and shocker, got a pedicure! I thought I would treat myself since my feet were pretty craggy. Your walk sounds great. Good to get out of the house and have a walk. I must try to get to the post natal pilates class .

Defo going to the toddler group tomorrow in fact DS's little girlfriend is also going with her baby bro. Have primed DS so hopefully we will get there this time.

Wierdly since I have been put up to speaking to people (by you lot) other people have been speaking to me! Hopefully it will continue next week too! .

Thats really fab HMHB , it must mean you are sending out more confident 'talk to me' vibes

I walked to school today then back to a friends for a cup of tea.

Home now and rocking pram to keep ds2 asleep...

Thanks Princessmel

Success with the toddler group today. Having to get a pram up the steps guarantees people will talk to you.

Have had a letter through about a baby massage class which I could go to at the end of Jan.

At this rate I shall be fully integrated!