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Mental health

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Original poster

he hit me so hard i lost my baby and it my fault can anyone help me ?

32 replies

hurts2much · 15/12/2009 16:42

i dont know if anyone can give me any advice but iv been searching on the internet with no joy so asking u mums.

its been a year now since i broke up with my violent ex.the violent was horrific. he was very jelous an i could never do right. this started when i got pregnant with my twins.but one night was even more horrific it was my friends party . an i went wearing shorts and a top(i was still slim at the time).i had calls telling me to get home etc. i knew what was waiting for me so i said i would stay at my best friends.he used his charm to get me home.how i wish now i stayed..
that night he beat me so hard i lost one of my babies.of course he was sorry.anyway i stayed with him as he threatened he would kill me andthe other if i left him.finally when my dd screamed as he dragged me i left. i could have the beating but not my children witnesing it.
weve broke up over a yr now and i have been depressed and hard getting my life bk. but i know the grieving of a child will never go away but its eating me up whole if i had left him. i would have both of my twins.my dd is 2 nowbut i think about her twin every day.
my friends are worried about me and say i should try get some therapy.can anyone give me advice at all i dont know what to do anymore

OP posts:

ShinyAndNew · 15/12/2009 16:50

It wasn't your fault it was his. He is the one who hit you. You didn't ask him to.

Well done for leaving him. That took a lot of courage. My mum stayed with her violent partner when we were growing up. If a man can hit a woman he can hit a child ime.

You need to forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You were incrediably strong to be able to leave him when you did. I know the hold violent men can have over women. My mum is still with him . Though now her daughters have grown up and fight back, and are more equipped to do so than thier slight framed mother, he has stopped being so violent, funny that eh?

YOu need to see your GP and arrange counselling and ad's to help in the meantime.

And let me just say again, this was NOT your fault. However you look at it, only he was to blame.

Original poster

hurts2much · 15/12/2009 16:57

thanks shiny. i just cant help it. everyone has told me that but if i had left him when people told mei would. im haunted by what if s. i know hes the devil to wanna do that to me.i had the police out after i left but becuase it was after a certain time they wont do anything.surely he s still a murderer. i will go to my doctorjust head wrecked bacsically. i have just started a new relationship with such a lovely man but im taking it so slow as i v got a lot to get over first.bu i had to tell him everyrthing.its hard to get over these things.
your poor mum its so sad anyone to put up with it. my little boy used to refer it as the game we played as i didnt want tohaunt him. i do not let him see my dd now.i just cudnt trust him not to hurt or brain wash her.
thank you xx

OP posts:

madmouse · 15/12/2009 17:13

It is really hard to leave a violent partner. It is so easy to see for other people what you should do but there's nothing easy about it.

It wasn't your fault. The fact that you have lost your baby is his fault because he beat you. He killed his child. You have been incredibly brave in leaving him - I admire you, it's not easy.

It would be a good idea to speak to your GP. You are grieving for your lost child and you are plagued by what ifs, what if you had left earlier etc. So some therapy sounds like a good idea.

It is understandable but unhelpful for people to say if you had left him earlier. Again, it is not that easy. And it is not your fault.

Original poster

hurts2much · 15/12/2009 17:39

thanks madmouse. yer it was awful leaving him i was terrified he d catch me. it makes me feel sick how he can live with what he has done.i should have two toddlers now. i hate the fact because the baby wasnt born it isnt murder althought we all know it is.
yes i will speak to the g.p when i get the guts to go.
its so strange as he lives in the same town as me about 5 min walk. an nxt road to my freind. and i was still so shocked to see him in the town centre. he glared at me i just kept my eyes on him till i walked back. trying to prove he did not scare me. but as soon as i got round the corner i ran.i had tio will the coprouge to go back as i had the baby with me and promised her sweets. but it brough back every emotion. thanks for ur advice xxx

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 17:44

I am bit confused how you left him a year ago but your surviving twin is 2 already.

Did you stay with him after the other baby was born?

Original poster

hurts2much · 15/12/2009 17:51

yer i did.he would not have let me leave him.yer my daughter is two. i left him last may when my dd was 6 months old. she was 2 this september

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 17:54

born in september but 6 months in may?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 15/12/2009 17:59

hmm.

Original poster

hurts2much · 15/12/2009 18:11

march i meant. im thinking of my boys. listen i havnt asked for ur critism thanks

OP posts:

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 15/12/2009 18:16

how old are your boys?

ChilloHippi · 15/12/2009 18:18

Is he father to the boys or just your dd?

Original poster

hurts2much · 15/12/2009 18:20

just my daughters.x

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 18:26

You haven't been getting any criticism.

I am entitled to ask questions.

MarioandLuigi · 15/12/2009 18:27

Do you have any outside help - Mum, friend etc.

How old are your other children? Do you get a break from them, time to yourself?

I understand a little bit where you are coming from. I had a M/C and although it wasnt in the same circumstances I did blame myself - I got myself to the point where I decided that I had killed my baby becauase I use our microwave too much (I know it sounds so stupid now, but at the time I was utterly convinced)

I spoke to the Miscarriage Association, they have a helpline which was fantastic. I also went to see a Mental Health nurse (refered by my GP) for a few weeks and that really helped. In a way having had children since that M/C has helped, and time has gone so the rawness has faded, but I still tink about her every day.

Most importantly, this was not your fault, and well done for getting away from your ex.

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 18:28

How many children do you have?

ChilloHippi · 15/12/2009 18:29

James, btw, sorry for delay in posting your parcel

MaggieAnFiaRua · 15/12/2009 18:35

oh your poor thing. my x was abusive and controlling but his violence did not cause me to lose a child.

to lose a child is devastating enough, but to lose it at the hands of its own father's violence must be absolutely soul destroying, and very hard to make sense of why he would treat you so horribly...

I had one counselling session and I think I should really have had more. Looking back on it all now, it took me two years to start to feel right again. I should have been more pro-active in taking positive measures to get past it. It sounds like psycho babble when you type it or say it! but really, if you can try and process some of the emotions then you can let some of it go, file some away, work through others,,,,,

women's aid would be able to help you find a counsellor who was experienced helping women get past the damage done to them by their abusers.

Well done for getting away from your x.

madmouse · 15/12/2009 19:13

Fab what is your point?

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 20:16

My point? What, my question? Just asking how many kids she has.

madmouse · 15/12/2009 20:31

That was your third question and none of them sounded as friendly as maybe they could be.

Just my observation.

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 15/12/2009 20:32

Which you are entitled to.

CJsWhiteHouseXmasParty · 15/12/2009 20:52

Fair point, Fab.

MarioandLuigi · 15/12/2009 20:54

I hope we havent scared the OP off

madmouse · 15/12/2009 21:03

That's my point Mario

clam · 15/12/2009 21:07

I think the OP meant that she stayed with him for a while after losing the baby. She only found the courage to leave once she realised her surviving DD was witnessing the violence.

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