Really feeling low and rubbish, think I might totally lose it.

[Crap]

I am in such a bad state I don't know how to get out.
As soon as I am alone I cry, at night I can't sleep for crying.
I have bulimia and self harm issues.
I will be getting therapy but I don't know how to survive from day to day, week to week.
All too much.
How do you know when you are going completely loopy? Will I know before it is too late?
I get suicidal as well.

I have no advice but want you to know that people are here/there to help you.

Take care and I hope someone will come along soon who can offer more useful support.

thanks

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Are you on ADs?
Please try to focus on the future and know things won't always be like this.

No, not on ADs. have refused them, worried I would OD.

I feel so crazy. I want to rock and bang my head on the wall.

It sounds as if you don't like yourself very much, why?

You are in a negative downward spiral and that in itself is a horrible place to be if you feel if you can't unbuckle the seatbelt and get off.

Shall we try to stop?

Can you think of some things that make you smile?

What's the nicest thing someone has ever said to you?

If you had a fairy godmother what would you ask for?

My best friend makes me smile.

What is it about her that makes you smile?

She says nice things and funny things, and she is good at smiling.

OK this is a picture of your best friend smiling

What nice things does she say?

I can't think, my brain isn'y working.
She says that I am her best friend.

I would wish for a negative influence to be gone.

I haven't got anyone who I could say hand on heart is my best friend, so you are very lucky to have each other.

If you are her best friend you need to be there for her so you have to be kinder to yourself.

You wouldn't like it if someone was beating her up all the time. It sounds as if you are not being too kind to yourself, she won't be happy about that. Best friends are very special people and only you will do.

What does she like about you?

I have known her less than a year. I am very lucky to have her, never had a best friend before.
She is having a hard time too

We support each other and make each other laugh.

When I was filled with a dreadful sense of negativity a few years ago the feeling was so overwhelming and dark I tried to visualise it.

You may laugh about how I did that...but here goes.

Do you remember the first computer game on a tv screen PacMan?

I used to visualise these little cross monsters coming out all over the place and then I would have to be the PacMan with the open mouth and gobble each one up with a little popping noise when each one was gobbled up.

Do you think you could try it?

The other thing I did was to get some tiny Guatemalan dolls in a bag, they are called worry dolls (literally tiny).

What you have to do is take each out of the little bag, tell each one a worry and put it back in the bag and then they will take care of all the worries until they are gone.

I like the Pacman idea
I will try it

I like worry dolls but my worries are rather large and really need me to deal with them.

Thank you for talking to me, you are helping.
I hope you find a best friend, you deserve a truly lovely one.

You say a negative influence, is that one person?

Or a situation?

A person, yes. The father of my children.

Sometimes when you feel total seething rage at a person for what they've done or not done, it is better for your own mental health to imagine they are mentally disabled and therefore they really cannot help the way they are behaving and so replace the anger with pity.

If you can feel pity for them you are on a positive way forward. If you have had a really hard time with someone and your own mental health is threatened, it's time to recognise that you do not have mental health training to deal with their disablement and so you are better off not being in their environment, as it is truly toxic, especially for dc.

Thank you.

Wish I wasn't a coward.

Thank you so much for talking to me.
I am going to lie diwn because I am ceasungg to fucntion,,

Thank you for last night elderflowercordial, you helped a lot xx

Oh Crap, i'm so sorry to read thing

this, I sorry to read THIS. grr

I think, when you are struggling so much, the only thing you can do is get through each day, sometimes only hour by hour.

If you were ready to try ADs, there are some that have fairly low risks in case of OD and a dr can prescribe them a month, even a week at a time if you are worried about what you might do. But, in the meantime, you can email the Samaritans, text your friend and post on here. But remember not to be too hard on yourself. You have a lot to cope with and I know the people you are with aren't necessarily the most supportive.

Hello C (not going to call you your name as you are not, you are special (at least) to your dc, your best friend and me!)

I hope the PacMan managed to gobble up some nasty feelings and you slept well.

You are not a coward, if by that you mean you haven't escaped your negative influence then all is certainly not lost.

But you do need strategies to cope, and by reading your posts it seems as if you have a sense of humour, so that is the start of your road to better days.

You certainly need to acknowledge all that you don't like about your current situation. Then we can evolve methods to cope with them. Then hopefully, when you are stronger, to confront them head on and not let them ruin things for you.

You are too special for that. Just to let you know I'm going to be here for you everyday from now on, it might be intermittent but I will be here. (if by any chance the computer has a problem be sure I will come back). In the meanwhile, let me know about some of the little things that could help you become happier.

Thank you elderflower and SB.

I am a coward because a proper person would deal with the situation.

I think one of the scariest things is thinking that I am coping, but as soon as I am alone, like if I get into the car to drive somewhere, the tears just start and it feels as if my heart is breaking.
If I am so loosely held together, it is only a matter of time before I break down altogether.

I am dizzy with tiredness again but I can't lie down because I can't stand any more crying.

I'm glad you've written why you think you are a coward because most sensitive people are too if it is a way to recoil/run away from pain and suffering.

So cheers to cowards! It just means you are sensitive and a decent, loving person.

We have no way of knowing how others would cope with your deal of the cards in life, so let's not worry others for now because the person who is important is you, no one else.

So please, no comparing how others would manage unless there is a strategy of coping you would like to try that you have seen others use.

I'm so sorry you are crying so much but you are not alone anymore, so don't feel you are alone. Just make sure you have enough drink so that you don't get dehydrated.

As for feeling dizzy, please make sure you have enough iron in your diet because a lack of iron can make you feel horrendous. Could you eat a boiled egg daily and also a banana?

I for some reason feel more energetic when I have those so I want to share them with you!

I have a tip to share with you on bulimia which I heard on radio 1, an old dj said he wanted to eat and eat but took a tip from the Wine tasters who are able to get the pleasure from tasting many wines because they don't swallow any of it.

To get better emotionally and physically you need to be kinder to yourself from now on, as all the bad things are overwhelming your head and body. Can you identify these bad things? Possibly write them down?

We need to be clear who these 'enemies/viruses/bacteria' are because they are causing you a lot of distress. We need to identify them with an aim to isolate them and eventually zap them for good!