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Original poster

AIBU to get hacked off with dp's bipolar and 'caring' for him?

50 replies

walkinthewoods · 21/06/2009 09:11

Dp and I have been together 10 years and have 2 young dc's. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and is on long term medication.

While I understand his condition, I get really fucking (sorry!) hacked off with it sometimes. It feels like I am looking after 3 dc's and one of them is a sulky teenager who smokes pot, plays computer games obsessively and comes to bed at stupid o'clock. (This is if he is close to an episode...which seems like its constantly) He has to shut everyone out. Meanwhile I just have to get on with everything else.

If I do get annoyed (and this is rare) he busily tries to tell me 'I have to do x, y and z' I feel like screaming yes I KNOW....now I am beginning to understand my anger is at the BIPOLAR. Sometimes its like I'm walking on eggshells and I put all my needs and wants on hold. ARRGGHHHH

OP posts:
YommyMommy · 21/06/2009 10:21

Hi walkinthewoods,

Not got any experience in dealing with bp, but by the sounds of things your dp is only making things worse by somking pot (especially) and playing computer games all the time til daft o'clock!

If I were you I would be laying out the cards and telling him that if he doesn;t give up the pot and try to help homself then you are out! Not sure if this is what you want, but might make him see that you are having a hard time too and getting fed up!

Hope this helps

Penthesileia · 21/06/2009 10:29

Hey walkinthewoods. .

YANBU!

Sorry you're in this position. Not much advice, really, but I sometimes feel something a little bit similar. My DH suffers from chronic depression and fatigue. And there is basically nothing to be done about it. I know how hard it is to live with someone who just can't help you or support you in the way you want, and you just have to suck that up, as it's no-one's fault really. I feel like screaming sometimes, but just have to keep going. He's about as much use as a chocolate teapot with DD (1yo) too, so I can only imagine how stressed and tired you must get with 2!

Does he smoke pot and play games as a form of self-medication (IYSWIM)? Neither of these seem inevitable to me, although I may be wrong, so perhaps you could gently suggest that he wean himself off them - although this is easier said than done, I know.

What I've realised is that I have to find (small) ways of meeting my own needs and wants - finding a few moments here and there, buying myself the odd treat, etc. Can you do similar? Do you have family or friends who could look after your DC every now and again to give you a break?

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:31

I'd tell him I'd continue being supportive if and only if he cuts the weed, computer games and silly bedtimes out.

They would unbalance the healthiest of people.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:32

'It feels like I am looking after 3 dc's and one of them is a sulky teenager who smokes pot, plays computer games obsessively and comes to bed at stupid o'clock. (This is if he is close to an episode...which seems like its constantly) He has to shut everyone out. Meanwhile I just have to get on with everything else. '

YANBU and you do not have to put up with drug use and someone who does nothing.

You really don't.

I have now chronic depression. It is not a get out of life free card.

And he should not be smoking pot on the meds he's on.

Think it's time for you to lay down the law, tbh.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:33

exactly, moony. speaking sense as usual.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:35

How ya doin' Expat? The kids? The living situation? Will you be moving again soon if your landlords return?

Wasl aughing at your 'Guess what? Someo f us don't have mortgages and still lead normal lives' comment on other thread.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:36

Not too bad, moony. Need to find a new place to live here in the next month or so. Yep, landlords are counting down the days till they come back - 104 days now till their return.

We'll find something. We always do.

It's the next leg of the adventure for us.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:37

Best of luck.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:38

thanks for asking! how's you?

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:39

thanks, moony. i got a bunch of space bags and have been putting stuff in there, basically linens and clothes for DD2 to grow into now DD1 has grown out of them. that's pretty much all we keep.

the gypsy life is great for not hanging on to clutter.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:40

Very good thanks!
In process of finishing off MSc (hooray, it's been hard work with a f/t job and dh away)then off to Bangladesh and malaysia for the summer with him, as work giving me unpaid leave.

We wer going to go to Nepal but apparently not a good time to go as monsoon obscures mountains or something. (I saw on another thread you had been to Everst base camp.Cool!) Still, there is a total eclipse to look forward to in the far north in a month.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:41

Yep, been to Everest base camp. Went in May-June, though.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:43

Was it hot then?

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:44

The strange thing is the the days could get pretty hot, but the nights were cold as hell.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:47

Maybe ds at nearly 5 a bit too young?

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 10:49

oh, hell no, i'd take him! as long as his clothing is appropriate, it should be fine.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:52

I suppose March will be too cold then (the next time I'm going)?
Might leave it until August next year now we have Malaysia sorted.

How do you hike to base camp?
Hpow long ddoesi t take?
From where to where?

MiniMarmite · 21/06/2009 10:54

YANBU at all.

I don't have any experience of biopolar but surely no illness excuses shirking responsibilities.

Maybe it is possible to see a specialist counsellor to agree some ground rules together.

moondog · 21/06/2009 10:56

Why does she need a 'specialist councillor'?
It's not rocket science.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2009 11:01

march would be VERY cold.

the trek if you do it from katmandhu can take from about 10 days to a fortnight.

there are loads of travel companies that do pretty much a guided trek so you don't have to carry but a day pack.

of course, we didn't use one of those

even if using a travel outfit, however, it's a serious trek.

boudoiricca · 21/06/2009 11:02

WITW apologies in advance, I am going to be quite harsh here. I don't see why are you helping him when he is refusing to help himself.

Smoking pot and keeping irregular hours is not going to help him with his illness. He really, really should not be doing that. And he should know that. And it's definitely not helping you. How you get through to him in a positive way is hard, but you need to make it clear that he is being very unfair on you and unless he starts making an effort you might very well be on your way...

Routine, exercise, no drugs (inc. alcohol) can imhe help in managing bp. Moondog is right that his current lifestyle is unhealthy for anyone.

As someone who recently split with a bp DP, I do have some understanding of the illness, but even more so with your frustrations. Good luck.

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 21/06/2009 11:04

Nice way to totally ignore the OP. Classy.

OP, he needs to help himself too. I'm "pain in the arse" depressed, and if I thought I would get away with "opting out" as your DH is doing, I'd do it - no question. But the people around me would tell me to get off my arse if I even tried (thankfully) .

Kick up the arse time.

MiniMarmite · 21/06/2009 13:42

Moondog, no I know, I agree - just noticed that bipolar.org offers them as part of their family support service, that's all.

moondog · 21/06/2009 15:43

Oh, rightyo.
Just trying to make point that we can all help ourselves quite a bit without necessarily invovling 'professional's which I think often perpetuates the helplessness myth.

giraffesCantRunA10k · 21/06/2009 15:50

You are NBU at all. It sounds very frustrating. What help is he getting at the moment? The pot will only make matters worse and the not sleeping regular hours as well.