AIBU to get hacked off with dp's bipolar and 'caring' for him?

[walkinthewoods]

Dp and I have been together 10 years and have 2 young dc's. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and is on long term medication.

While I understand his condition, I get really fucking (sorry!) hacked off with it sometimes. It feels like I am looking after 3 dc's and one of them is a sulky teenager who smokes pot, plays computer games obsessively and comes to bed at stupid o'clock. (This is if he is close to an episode...which seems like its constantly) He has to shut everyone out. Meanwhile I just have to get on with everything else.

If I do get annoyed (and this is rare) he busily tries to tell me 'I have to do x, y and z' I feel like screaming yes I KNOW....now I am beginning to understand my anger is at the BIPOLAR. Sometimes its like I'm walking on eggshells and I put all my needs and wants on hold. ARRGGHHHH

Penthes

Yes that's exactly it, self medication and he and I know that. He smokes to get off to sleep, if he doesn't then he starts to spiral. The computer games stop his mind from racing. The one thing that REALLY pisses me off is the going to bed late however he has only recently been doing this for reasons below.

For all the people out there saying kick up the arse, sorry but I really don;t think that would help from his family history (overbearing Mother etc) He would react in exactly the opposite way. Also we have been through hell for the last 3 years and he has been working himself stupid. He has been made redundant recently so I knew that this would be happening.

He knows he should give up the unhealthy stuff and go running, but its like a vicious cycle.

ATM he seen the MHT regulary but along with the surgery and cocking up his meds all the time and their attitude ( I have seen this first hand myself and it makes my blood boil) he has little faith left in the NHS. He has asked to be put on the counsellor list. Its just so hard to get a decent service from the NHS. We would gladly pay to go private but hell....no money coming in.

So I'll take you up on the offer of a little 'me' time. I'll tell him to fuck off out of the house tomorrow whilst the kids are in. I so desperately need some time alone.

I know he is bad atm as he had a rant on Friday that came from no-where (wll I do know but it was wayyyyy OTT) not at me though. Yesterday he refused to go to PIL's so his dm sent a vicious e-mail, oh and we had a letter chasing us for money, ho hum. Today I spent until 3pm until I could stand it no longer with the kids. We started to go for a walk ds started crying for some reason and he SCREAMED SHUT UP. Then told us to fuck ourselves and stormed off. I may add that this is TOTALLY out of character so I am both still really fucking angry but also a little bit scared. I have not seen him have an episode, only close a couple of times.

I must add that I can gauge his mood by how much he tries to close off (play computer games etc)

Also he has a problematic relationship with his ds who for the last 3 years hasn't really seen him due to work.

Have done a bit of surfing for carers of people with bipolar. These are the phrases thsat stuck with me

'we have to protect our partners from stress as much as possible which may bring on another episode so this often means we shoulder extra pressure ourselves but with no support'

'we live with the daily thought that today might be the day it all gets too much for our loved one; it may fall on our shoulders to help decide when the time is right for hospital; and we also have to learn to cope with the guilt and shame that our own thoughts bring when thinking about our loved one and the life we imagined is all but destroyed.'

'More often than not our own health will suffer too. And underneath all of this, the person you love is still there, sometimes very well hidden but they are still there and you have to decide whether you can continue living not just with your partner but with the illness as well.'

This last paragraph is perhaps the most poignant in that I know I love dp to the ends of the earth (its just his ilness I loath)

he smokes pot.

that's why his meds are getting all cocked up.

if he can't address that, best of luck.

'ATM he seen the MHT regulary but along with the surgery and cocking up his meds all the time and their attitude ( I have seen this first hand myself and it makes my blood boil) he has little faith left in the NHS. He has asked to be put on the counsellor list. Its just so hard to get a decent service from the NHS. We would gladly pay to go private but hell....no money coming in.'

Walk, like Expat says, he isn't helping himself.The NHS can't do it all for him and it may be an unacceptable use of over stretched resources if he continues to mess about with what is a dangerous mind altering substance.

What ds is this? One with someone else?
Why hasn't he seen him?

Perhaps I shouldn't have posted on here. DS is our own ds, dp has been working all hours for 3 years.

The amount of pot doesn't affect his meds as stated by his pschiatrist, he doesn't normally drink and its alcohol that can have an effect on his meds. Moondog can you refernce 'dangerous mind altering drug'? You might be refering to skunk, which is very different.

Expat...the surgery have cocked up his meds time and time again, he has to waste valuable gp time to go back and get the prescription altered...oh I could go on and on how poorly he has been treated and Moondog, the NHS can't do it all for him? No you're so very right, they do vwery little and what they do do, they enevitably cock up.

I will be hiding this thread now as I came on here to get support, not to have a finger wagged at me and to tell me to kick out my dp when he is so obviously struggling with all the problems we've had recently.

You came on here and posted on AIBU, and then throw the teddy out the pram when people agree with you that you are not being unreasonable and your partner's behaviour is inexcusable, mental illness or no (and btw, many of us here are themselves afflicted) that you're not being 'supported'?

O.K.

'The amount of pot doesn't affect his meds as stated by his pschiatrist, he doesn't normally drink and its alcohol that can have an effect on his meds.'

ANY amount of pot affects psychoactive medication. Read the leaflets and it will tell you that. Google and it will tell you that. THC, it makes you feel high when it reaches your brain, be it pot or skunk. I used to grow the stuff years ago and smoke it. It makes you high. Duh.

But hey ho, on you go, hide the thread then.

What.eva.

definitely NBU if he is smoking pot and playing computer games til all hours - he needs to make some level of effort to minimise the impact ofhis illness too, and pot-smoking and keeping his brain over-hyped and under-rested is NOT the way to go about it! No wonder you are , I would be too.

If he is going to carry on feeding his illness in this way, I would be considering my options here - he has to take control of his behaviour that exacerbates it and GROW UP.

Pot can be used with certain anti-depressants. But people who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, whilst also sometimes also taking SSRI-based anti-depressants, are also on mood stablisers.

And if you study how mood stablisers work in the brain, their use and THC aren't a good mix.

i can understand your frustration and defensiveness.

you feel stuck between the more strident posters on this thread your husband, who you understandably have sympathy for.

being the partner of someone with mental health issues is a incredibly hard and mostly thankless task. the pot use and computer games are common escaping tactics for people suffering from depression... before my husband got his meds more sorted, he would behave like that. thankfully though, we hadn't yet had children.

it takes time and requires alot of patience.

BUT, as i'm sure you know well, these coping strategies will make him feel worse and more isolated in the long run. he needs to replace them with something so perhaps that could be the conversation you have with him?

having a 'hot word' can often help also so that when he feels himself losing it and perhaps snapping in the way you mentioned earlier, he can say the agreed 'hot word' and you immediately give him space.

get yourself some counselling to cope and vent.

good luck- i can really sympathise with both of you.

Bipolar disorder . . . different from depression.

missed an AND there but not to worry.

was that for me expat?

Expat sorry didn't realise you were a doctor and knew what meds he's on.

He has been warned not to drink excessively whilst on the meds, he has NOT been told to cut down on his smoking (of which he takes very little), he has talked many times with his psychiatrist So are you overruling his pyschiatrist?

Of course in an ideal world we'd never abuse any substances would we? I am far more concerned about his smoking tobacco, REALLY worried.

And on the occassion that he has overindulged in alcohol, he does start to feel unwell as the meds stop being as effective. So actually now this has started onto a debate about pot (and actually I am not that concerned about it per se, yeah I wish he didn't do it) I'm sure he might get pissed off about my drink problem. Now alcohol and nicotine are far more damaging than cannibis, both on the individual and as a society. Oh and less trhow food into the mix.

OK lets tell everyone to stop smoking, drinking and eating too much.

Fuck me expat, you are vicious, throwing teddy out of the pram. Aren't I allowed to be hacked off with my dp?

OP if you come back to this thread I just wanted to say that you have all my sympathy.

My sister's DH is bipolar and the phrases you quoted from the other site are exactly the sort of thing she would say.

I often want to tell her to give him a 'kick up the arse' but don't because I know that it is not so simple and is of no help to her.

Like you she loves her DH and is a 'for better for worse' sort of person. She is an amazing support to him but often to the detriment of her own well being and happiness.

I wish you and your family all the best and hope you find peace and hapiness in all this. I know you don't need to be told this but the pot is not good for his condition. My BIL self medicates with alcohol but has recently joined a gym and is trying to redirect some of his behaviours. He will probably get a bit obsessive about the gym but it is better than drinking. Other things to watch out for are sugar, caffeine, nicotine and for some people food additives.

Good luck (YANBU).

'Fuck me expat, you are vicious, throwing teddy out of the pram. Aren't I allowed to be hacked off with my dp? '

You post AIBU, not, 'Help, I need support, my partner is bipolar', tell us he hardly sees one of his kids, and smokes pot (illegal) despite being on mood stablisers (presumably because that's how bipolar disorder is treated.

Then you call people vicious when they say, 'Well, no, YANBU. That behaviour isn't on.'

Then you bitch about it when people tell you pot and mood stablisers aren't a good mix after bitching about the treatment on the NHS.

Thought you were hiding this?

Guess not.

You were made for each other.

Best of luck!

Fuck, had to check on him

found this written by him

'when the soul dies, we wish to follow, who wants the agony of a life of sorrow, depressed beyond exhaustion, i'd give my life not to feel this way, but think of this and that they say, when I'm terrified to live another dday, hell was conceived from a depressed state, i'll never see the pearly gate, then when it likes i thank god that i never did.

Sorry I should go onto a forum with carers of people with bipolar. Thanks for the posters who had kind words.

Yes I was going to hide it but you got me so angry I wanted to say something, ah shit

Oh Walkinthewoods, I really, really feel for you as Bipolar is such an unpredictable illness and it must be so difficult to remain fully supportive through all the shit it throws at you.

I work in Mental health, im not a Psychiatrist by any stretch of the imagination, but seriously- I do not know of any psychiatrist who would say that its ok to continue to smoking pot whilst suffering with a mood disorder such as BD.
I believe that the psychiatrist will have said it, but question his skills as a psychiatrist - seriously. No wonder you are experiencing shit care from the NHS when the Psychiatrist thinks its not a problem to continue taking drugs.

The very basics of Psychiatry tell us that its impossible to make a valid diagnosis when a person uses drugs or alcohol- therefore any suggested treatments are virtully impossible.

Is it possible for you to arrange another Medical review with his RMO to try and discuss your concerns further?

many contributors to this thread clearly have no direct personal experience of the reality of living with a severe mental illness - that doesn't excuse some of the ignorant comments on here. there is a possibility that the cannabis is helping to alleviate symptoms of mania, it's long been known to have both a therapeutic and, paradoxically, a possibly causative role in bipolar and schizophrenia. I think you can trust your psychiatrist on this one.

besides, technically there is no such thing as a 'mood stabiliser' - it is a marketing and not a medical term, so comments about how 'they work in the brain' and their compatibility with recreational drugs are ridiculous at best.

there is no consensus amongst psychiatrists as to what a 'mood stabiliser' is and the term never, ever appears in the NICE guidelines - the narrowest definition would be lithium, the broadest would be any medication used to treat bipolar disorder including antidepressants. frequently it is used to refer to anti-epileptics such as valproate and carbamazepine, which are good at treating acute mania and mixed states but for which there is no evidence to show that they reduce the risk of relapse.

most psychiatrists avoid the term, but if they do use it they probably mean 'a drug which reduces the chance of relapse' in which case the following drugs would be mood stabilisers: lithium, lamotrigine (anti-epileptic), olanzapine, quetiapine, and aripiprazole (anti-psychotics).

just re-read the thread and am really shocked at some of the attitudes - is it normal for people to assume that you can simply choose not to display the signs and symptoms of a condition like bipolar disorder? as if the behaviour is that of a naughty child, as if you can just pull your level of functioning up by its bootstraps!

argh I am too cross to type!

DSI: I see where you are coming from here but can also see why both the OP and some of the people giving her the more robust advice, get a bit hacked off. It is FUCKING hard to be closely involved with anyone who has a mental health issue, because it's almost impossible not to end up in a situation where the whole household/family revolves around the ill person's illness. And some people with mental health issues are pretty manipulative and selfish and that isn't always the illness (I have known a few individuals with various mental health issues and can sum up one of them like this - if he didn't have [condition] he'd still be a fucking dick.)

Walk, you actually need to bear in mind that YOU MATTER TOO. That you are entitled to some time off from being his carer. Whether it's the man or the illness that has persuaded you to put yourself and your needs (and those of the DC) behind 'poor little mentalist who is not responsible for anything' you need at least 3 hours a week of him being someone else's responsibility while you catch up on your own life/sleep/mental health.

Hmm...

It is okay to be annoyed with him at times - completely and utterally acceptable Any health issue afflicting someone you care about is really difficult to witness. My partner and I both have mental health issues, and even with understanding what each other is going through, sometimes we want to kill each other, I'm sure!!

Please try not to be too concerned with what he's written - a lot of people who are feeling so low find it a great comfort and release to get things down on paper.

The fact he is self-medicating is concerning, but at the same time I can sympathise if he feel it is helping him, especially considering how unhelpful the professionals have been. But addressing this problem could really help him get his illness in check. Is there another doctor you could see?

I really hope that he gets things under control, as him having a flare up will affect everyone. Its not his fault, but its irritating all the same to see him struggle, and also to have to pick up the slack, I'm sure.

Please keep posting, even if you just need to vent I hope we can be of some help to you.

walk, if you are still checking this thread, I just wanted to say I do understand a bit about having a partner with a chronic condition. It is very, very hard. People who have not lived it day in and day out just cannot understand. I have at times gotten angry with the situation, the condition, dh and myself for not being more able to deal with it.

At one time I started a support thread for MNers in this situation. Perhaps it is time to revive it?

Anyway, take care of yourself - it is easy to overdue and wear yourself out. Help him take care of himself as much as possible - when they feel better we feel better - and try to find some time for yourself as other posters have suggested.

There are no easy answers unfortunately

I've namechanged for this. Sorry its long but I really need advice. I'm hoping some of you are still watching this thread - I want to know if there's something wrong with my partner, or is it me being oversensitive?

He finds it really hard to relax - is either rushing around doing stuff, playing computer games, or if he stops for long he falls asleep. He gets quite irritable and impatient. He has to flick through all the channels when the ads come on the TV - the other night I took the remote from him so he had to look around and grab something to read.

When he spends time with DD (4) he can't just sit and watch her play, or let her lead play, he again has to be doing something active. He gets bored watching her do things and will get the laptop out or a magazine to read - i hate seeing this . He shouts at her more than I would like, though only maybe once a week or so.

He's also really careless with details, infuriatingly so- though this is a trait a lot of people complain about in their partners - but for eg he recently nearly missed a job interview because he didn't check the date or had the wrong date in his head, he also missed a job application deadline the same way, and has missed appointments for the same reason. I tell him things and he doesn't listen or instantly forgets them.

Most evenings he would rather spend time in playing on line computer games than spend them just hanging out watching TV chatting, or listening to music with me. we agreed he has two nights a week doing this, rest of the time at the moment he's applying for jobs (contract about to end).I hate that he spends so much time doing this, especially as he often drinks while he's doing it (a bottle of wine or several cans a night)and doesn't come to bed til 3 or 4 in the morning.

His mind races sometimes and he says his words don't keep up with his mind. And when we have heated discussions (not often actual arguments) he goes off on all sorts of tangents and is really confrontational, like he enjoys the act of arguing itself (not even usually seeming to mind whether he's right or not, just wants to be the best at arguing!) His facial expressions feel really intimidating though i'm never scared he'll hurt me -its just that I find it really upsetting, and he knows this - that I don't enjoy it and it makes me withdraw.

A lot of the time he's really reasonable and he's not at all lazy if there's something specific and practical he knows he needs to do or I ask him to do that doesn't affect him negatively - but when i ask him to do something he doesn't want to do he behaves almost like a teenager and I'm his mum, and he gets stroppy and defensive in that kind of way.

Rather than us being able to have a neutral discussion it seems we both have to instantly take a position then defend it. He also hates coming back to something once he feels we've discussed it and will get infuriated by that.

A while ago he acknowledged that maybe he had a problem with mood /irritability, and was going to think about what to do about it - but nothing since. He said recently he knows he tends to bury his head in the sand. he also knows i'm unhappy about us, i talked to him about it a bit this weekend, and we have done so a few times over the last 12 months.

obviously he has his good points too which i haven't mentioned! but this post isn't about those. I think he loves me, or at least thinks he does, but i sometimes wonder - i don't often feel 'cherished' IYSWIM. I feel nowadays like i'm walking on eggshells, always wondering when it would be a good time to talk about X, Y or Z.

hope to get some lovely pearls of wisdom... please be gentle with me, feeling a bit bruised!

has he got a problem or is he just a complete arsehole (what i often think!), or a bit of both?

mizzer - you could post in relationships