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Original poster

<deep breath> Not sure I can do this again

36 replies

MerlinsBeard · 21/05/2009 12:11

Went to Dr last week basically just hoping to come away with ADs and be left to my own devices. Ended up being in there half an hour while she was trying to decide if i needed a referral to ED clinic, counselling and possible admittance. The outcome was that i need to think about what I want and need. Trouble is, it was so bloody hard to be brutally honest about how i really feel and what i really eat/don't eat that I don't know if i can do it all again today (same Dr).

I have a depression questionnaire to fill in and return to her, which i will do honestly but if i am being honest with myself i am not sure i want help with my eating. i prob need it but don't want it...i know that that doesn't make sense unless you are me. I need help on the feeling low side i know that.

Just not sure i can open that door again when it was so damn hard in the first place !!

OP posts:
flamingobingo · 22/05/2009 09:28

Tell us more. Do you have an eating disorder?

Songbird · 22/05/2009 09:48

Why don't you want help? If you can't answer that, you really do need it. Does that make sense? Have you had counselling before?

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 09:51

I thought that this had got lost in the chasms of unreadness and was very and looking forward to asking MNHQ to delete it!!

Well, i went and the official diagnosis is Anorexia with bulimic episodes and severe depression. Have lost 1.5kg since last week(whatever that is-i work in lbs lol) but it was different scales and obv diff clothes. Bit odd really as my scales and wii fit both say i am heavier than those scales did.

Asked NOT to be referred to ED clinic - yet to tell DH about the eating thing and not sure i want/am able to stop that yet anyway. Also asked NOT to be referred for counselling because i will most likely have 1 or more of the DCs with me.

Am on citalopram and go back in 2 weeks to review it and most likely up the dose.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 09:54

sorry songbird i x posted then

i want help with the feeling like hacking my own head off!!

OP posts:
Songbird · 22/05/2009 11:36

Well, good luck! I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'll keep checking this but won't post again if you want it to disappear

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 12:41

no no it's fine kind of posted because of another thread i started and had deleted. Was going to ask for this one to go to save me the embarrassment of no one answering but they did

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 12:58

MoM, you have been extraordinarily brave with going and talking. at the risk of sounding condescending, well done you, am very proud!!!

I know that you know that I can border on ED. I am being very strong right now (probably more than I am letting on to others, altho here I am admitting it here....) with ensuring I stick at exactly the right weight so as not to slip (altho I am having moments at the mom since my hair being cut as my face looks fat).....seeing as I have two teenage DD's that I really really do not want to see going down the same road. altho, that said, they have had a whole different start to me, so issues will be different (hopefully non-existant(sp?)) - YKWIM.

you are a fab fab lady and fab fab friend (and mum and wife). please try and keep that and believe that. I know (really truly know), that the bad stuff is easier to believe, but the good stuff is actually the true stuff, not the bad.

lots and lots of ...xxx

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:01

I was under very strict orders to go get help and i had scared myself wit hthe thoughts i was having. The ED is not bothering all that much today, i like it at mo(yes i know that is wierd), i know that i will need to stop at some point though or it will be too late. But it was the feeling of reaching utter rock bottom that scared me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:02

OH! and thank you for your kind words but you know i think they are bollocks

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:04

.......they are TRUE!!!

I know you think they are bollocks, but they really aren;t.

I also know tho that I would feel the same as you.

psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:04

right then, serious qords now.

what is rock bottom, in your mind??

psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:04

qords??

words

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:05

rock bottom, you know, that place where you go from feeling really shit about yourself to wanting to hack your arm off, followed by your own head (and i started with my hair which freaked me out)

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:16

are now see, hacking of heads is messy business. not recommended at all.

nor arms.........how would you type on here.

so, the hair was enough then?? is that what you are saying?? am glad (not for your hair obviously, but that you have managed to start talking properly and seek some help).

if it helps, I to have days where I want to hack things off. normally it is enough to think about it (well, must be, have not yet got as far as trying), and then I manage to either sleep it off and wake up brighter, or I have some wine, or I speak out to someone. for some reason it is enough to kind-of break the feeling inside long enough to keep going on the tightrope.

you will get back on the tightrope again, I am certain of it. you are strong enough to manage it, and determined enough (altho I appreciate that right at this moment in time you are doubting yourself).

you will get there. your docs sounds as tho she is doing the right thing, you are following her advice, (even tho it is terrifying you), and you are talking about it here, which is great.

do you remember back a few years ago how low I got, and with help here, plus flame, and some tabs, I got back to 'me' again. it will work for you too, I promise. it just takes a bit of time.

why it is not instant I will never know......tis not fair!!

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:20

no the hair wasn't enough that was when i knew i had gone a little cuckoo

have NOT been typing it out here - have been trying to get 'feeling depressed' back for ages cos i think i would have typed it out sooner if it was (to me feeling depressed is different to mental health - although i know now that i should be typing here)

OP posts:
Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:23

i am not sleeping and all i want to do is stay in my duvet all day long and hide. I don't talk about it out loud-i don't want to open that box, nor do i want people to judge me because of it (and they will!)

I wasn't 100% honest with the Dr but i was almost honest. At the end of the day i have ot be a mother so worry about being comp,etely honest with telling ppl about the self harm feelings!

She seemed more concerned about my eating and weight though.

OP posts:
Songbird · 22/05/2009 13:23

pscho - you and your new do are lovely! (have nosed at your pics - loving the disco dds!!) Not fat-of-face at all. I know being told that and believing it are TOTALLY different things, but I thought I'd give it a go.

psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:25

Oh I get you completely on the 'feeling depressed' as opposed to the 'mental health'. feels more gentle doesn't it. I don;t like the term 'mental health' either I must say. makes me think of my mother (altho I admit that my mother issues are way different), which is unfair.

you have been typing it tho. I have seen you being a bit more open, and reaching out, even if you haven;t.

Songbird · 22/05/2009 13:26

MoM, but they're not separate issues, are they? It all adds up to a worrying picture that needs to get sorted (god, I sound like a man - well, just get it sorted ) for your sake and your family's.

God, I need to shut up, I'm not helping at all

psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:29

songbird thankyou, altho I am like MoM in that respect. reading the words and believeing the words are quite different. tis my cheeks I have issue with. I see fat, others say fab cheekbones........I try to see what others see, but really is hard.

MoM, let her help you with the eating, and I truly think that all the rest will start to click back into place for you. it is all like a jigsaw puzzle. once the outer edges are joined up, the middle kind of starts falling into place easier.

Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:30

They are to me, i think.

Dr disagrees too and thinks that depression is causing my relapse (been here before, was 5.5 stone at 16)

Psycho, i think it's because i am being honest with myself

OP posts:
Original poster
MerlinsBeard · 22/05/2009 13:31

I don't WANT to eat "normally" though, that is a hell of a lot of food!!!

OP posts:
mwff · 22/05/2009 13:33

mom your posts have raised a couple of issues for me.

i think it's very common when you're depressed to develop "coping" strategies that make you feel better in the short term but are damaging and fuel the depression in the long term. self-harm, drink, drugs, eating disorders either restricting or bingeing etc. etc.

for years i've dealt with recurrent depressions but resisted addressing my self-destructive "coping" strategies and self-medication because i didn't feel strong enough to go without them. i've gradually - and intermittently - proved to myself that i can manage without drink/drugs, and i've never been one to self harm, but restricting eating is something i've done before and recently been strongly drawn to go back to.

but i've had to tell myself that i'm serious about addressing my depression, look at the work i've done getting this far, see how far i've come. i can't keep pressing the self-destruct button because ultimately i have responsibilities, yunno.

so right now it makes you feel safe and secure and in control, but ed's take you over (as i imagine you're all too aware).

hopefully once the ad's kick in you'll be able to find ways to fight the urges, see all the reasons you have to look after yourself.

take care.

mwff · 22/05/2009 13:33

oh blimey about a million posts in the time it took me to write that - will read up thread now.

psychomum5 · 22/05/2009 13:40

MoM, normal is very subjective to each person.

I don;t eat normally, never have, but I have managed to get myself into a place whereby I know how much to eat to keep me on an even keel without giving off ED vibes to my DD's (my biggest fear is 'giving' this to them).

once the tabs start kicking in, other things will start slotting into place.

don;t start thinking about 'normal amounts' tho. you are going to scare yourself.

one meal at a time for now, baby steps. you can do this. and more importantly, you want to, this much is very clear!