i wanted it all to end today

[SoMessedUp]

after a terrible few days with me little one, and no afternoon naps in over 3 days, she is ratty and tetchy, however, my ability to handle her temper and wingyness is diluted when dp is around as i feel he is always judging my ability.

this afternoon after two unsuccesful attempts to get her to ahve a nap, i laid her on spare bed and laid next to her...i was calm and explaining that she 'must' sleep as she would feel better and be able to play once she'd had a nap(she's 2 BTW)
..she screamed, sobbed, and shouted for her dad at which point..i snapped..i shouted at her to shut up and she then became worse
dp came up the stairs and told me i was nasty and evil and then took her down stairs with him and made everything rosy agin!
i laid on the bed and sobbed.
i dont know how i did it, but i was going through in my head, how many tablets to take, how could i get them without them seeing me?, should i stay in house or go out so dd didnt see me?
am really tired and feel i am on the edge and i know this is not where i should be saying this, but i cant tell anyone in rl as they all think i manage and dont want anything to happen to me and dd.

It's been a while EvesMama, but I hope you are still out there and that things aren't going too bad. Say Hello when you get the chance!

Hi Maybean

ive just trawled through archives to get this!

im okay at the moment how are you????

ill never forget what a good friend you were when i was so low....thankyou

So pleased to see that you are still smiling!
Life is treating my family well - so well I've not been Mumsnet for ages as I have been so busy. So it was particularly nice to see that you had only just posted a message - and such a happy one too.
How's the driving going?
Will try and pop by in the next week.
Keep smiling and take care

Hello

How are you today?

hi maybean..am really really happy today as we have just had asking price offered on house, so we can finally move somewhere nice..will drain the bacnk balance..but hey ho..plus im starting a childminding course, so that should ease some of the burdenwhilst still allowing me to be at home with Eve

glad things are going well for you

still havent had test as driving instructer is on hol, so hopefully get back in for it soon!

take care...have a lovely week.xxxxxxx

hi huggy, im a happy mama today..and you???xx

hi

im still a happy huggy

It's been a while but I'm hoping this finds you well and that the house move, and all that goes with it, is progressing well.
Life is going well here too. Just been able to start putting dd hair in bunches and ahe looks soooo cute
Thinking of you and will pop by again.

Ugh, my dp (now my ex) was always very down on me and ready to make me feel terrible about the way I handled our daughter. Of course, he wasn't really ever looking after her though - he had no idea how hard it really was.
Don't feel too bad about telling your dd to shut up and shouting at her (or even spanking her, if that's what you mean by 'it got worse'). Gee, how many times can I remember my mother screaming and shouting at me, and sometimes even smacking me on the face, when i was little? Not that such behaviour is to be commended, of course. But my mum was very depressed and in a lot of pain and sometimes she just lost control....it is so hard for mums in our western culture with no extended family structure and no real help. My mum was a loving mum and I am a together person (if that doesn't sound too conceited!) so her outbursts when I was young have not harmed me overall. Every mum just loses it sometimes. The other day I smacked my dd for the first time ever because she has this thing at the moment with biting and scratching me (she is two) and I felt really unwell and tired and sick so I thought : "'ll just give her a small smack and see if that puts her off). She looked so shocked and frightened when I smacked her that I felt quite sick. But before ten minutes were out she was over it - I gave her a big cuddle and just said, 'sorry its hard for mummy sometimes, and you mustn't hit me!" and I think she understood ! (although she did say, 'yes, that was mean of you mummy!") But if I had had my bossy ex on the scen I doubt I could've have resolved this crisis as effectively - he would've taken her away (frightened her all the more) and given my a big lecture.
Anyway I am rambling but I hope you do feel better and don't be too hard on yourself! There's a big difference between a spontaneous loss of control and systematic cruelty and abuse - all the difference in the world. you are only human.