i wanted it all to end today

[SoMessedUp]

after a terrible few days with me little one, and no afternoon naps in over 3 days, she is ratty and tetchy, however, my ability to handle her temper and wingyness is diluted when dp is around as i feel he is always judging my ability.

this afternoon after two unsuccesful attempts to get her to ahve a nap, i laid her on spare bed and laid next to her...i was calm and explaining that she 'must' sleep as she would feel better and be able to play once she'd had a nap(she's 2 BTW)
..she screamed, sobbed, and shouted for her dad at which point..i snapped..i shouted at her to shut up and she then became worse
dp came up the stairs and told me i was nasty and evil and then took her down stairs with him and made everything rosy agin!
i laid on the bed and sobbed.
i dont know how i did it, but i was going through in my head, how many tablets to take, how could i get them without them seeing me?, should i stay in house or go out so dd didnt see me?
am really tired and feel i am on the edge and i know this is not where i should be saying this, but i cant tell anyone in rl as they all think i manage and dont want anything to happen to me and dd.

Good to see you smile too! I am going to go to bed now, but I will be back in the morning, just to say hello.
God bless and thinking of you! (And why don't you go and creep in on your dd - they always look angelic when the sleep and can be forgiven anything - it will also remind you why it is so important you find someone 'real' to help you) xxx

Fraid I can't stop as busy bank holiday ahead, but I did promise I would be back this morrning so here I am. Hop that you had a better night and that things look a little better. Not around now until tues, but I will pop back then.
Take care and God bless xx

hi maybean, thanks for thinking of me!
had a much better day today, been very 'up'..me and dp and dd all got on really well and have planned to meet his sil tomorrow to take girls out.
just hope this happiness lasts???

hope you have a lovely bank holiday

I did indeed have a lovely time - hope things are continuing to get better for you. Have you had the chance to make any of those calls yet?

Enough of sounding like a mother - just wanted you to know that I was still here if you still needed to chat. I will do my best to check every day so you know where i am.
Big hugs to kep you going

SoMessedUp just found your thread and I hope you don't mind me butting in - but I so could relate to how you are feeling. I found a counsellor really helped me through my low points. Also wondered whether HomeStart - the charity that gives Mums a bit of time off - would be a good place to try?

hi maybean

i have now had three 'nice' days, today was a bit harder,as dd is getting worse the longer she gos without afternoon naps, but doc doubled my tabs again, so maybe its down to them??
i hope you are well too and hope you are not neglecting mr maybean

hi motherofboys
nice to hear from you

i did have counselling when i was younger for awful chldhood abuse, but just cried through most of the sessions and didnt feel i was getting anywhere?
also had a homestart volunteer coming round, but have just asked to have someone else as she was very nice, but felt more of a chore having her round as i was dealing with her problems, making cups of tea and all the time thinking about what i could be doing as i wasnt getting any benefit from that either
the manager has said she would look for someone else and someone a bit bossier!, cos sometimes i need a good kick and last lady was too qquiet and agreeable!

SMU - I have read this thread and you are so much like I was last year. I too have a 2 year old dd who I wouldn't change for the world. That aside, it seems that you are depressed and I am glad to hear that the dr has upped tablets but try not to rely on them too much.
I agree that a councillor is a good idea, I went to one (referred through my GP so it was free) and she worked miracles. I feel so better now.
You are a very lovely person and a great mum so please don't think bad of yourself. Little things seem so big when you feel like this and my temper was hanging by a thread most days.
You will get through it (believe me).

Good luck hun

ps
on another note my 2 year old stopped napping every day a few months ago. She tends to only nap once every 2 or 3 days now.

hi and thanks darlingbud

i might speak to doctor about counselling again??
as i definatly dont want to be on ad's for ever, thats why i waited so long to admit my illness as i didnt want drugs

dd now says she doesnt like naps!!
so dont know how im gunna get round that one?, was hoping after a few days, shes get really tired and i could take her up, but i can forsee a struggle
however her night sleeps seem better lately, but she gets so grumpy from 3pm onwards, it just doesnt seem fair on her and i cant make her understand!

i also have a very short fuse(well last few days i have been better), i worry myself sometimes and i think thats why im so erratic with my feelings, i get upset easilly and my moods are all over.

thanks for posting though and i hope you have a nice sleep tonight
x

If she wont sleep and gets grumpy after 3pm why not try to make that part of the day a calm, quiet time? Not sure how much else you have to do or whether it would work but structure the day around her happy, lively times and keep after 3 for stories, puzzles or some telly? Might stop her getting frustrated at trying to do activities she is too tired for. I know my 4yo tries to keep going when he should give in and rest and becomes the biggest whinge around.
Not sure if that is any help but take care of yourself.

thanks hun

i was doing that around 1pm ish(when she would normally be asleep), but i ended up falling asleep and she watched a dvd of peppa pig
think i should just give them up as a bad job and make sure, we're in a t that time so she can calm down.
thanks for you advice
x

somessedup (i KNOW who you are!) cue spooky music...

No, really, I will be serious now and not suggest this has been brought on by pig bites.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I do know how you feel. Had a similar situation with DS the other morning when he was screaming and as soon as DP took him he went to sleep!
I also suffer from depression, but am resisting going back on my medication.

TBH, it sounds like your ad's aren't doing much for you. How long have you been on them? They really ought to lift your mood, and make you feel able to deal with everyday life. They give you that much so that you can start to deal with the underlying problems.
I think you definitely should see your GP, and tell him what has been going on and how you have been feeling. It may be that you need to change your meds. It took me 4 or 5 goes before I found the ones that worked for me.
I also think that counselling is a great idea, because it will give you an opportunity to figure out why you feel how you do, and what you can do to change things.
I found that having the psychiatrist prescribe my meds was better because he had a much better understanding of which drugs helped which particular traits.

As for wanting to end it all, well, there is a Nietzsche quote which I like

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation, by means of it one gets through many a bad night."

Sometimes it's comforting to know that we can go if we want to, but that doesn't mean we actually will! It's the knowledge that we can.
Having said that, this doesn't mean that suicidal thoughts are great! and of course, you do need to get some kind of help, be it counselling or just someone to help with your DD... but please don't feel bad about thinking of suicide.

Do feel free to e-mail me, or MSN me [email protected]
I have battled with depression for over 10 years, and really do feel for you!

well it wasnt difficult was it seeing as though im crap at remembering to change my name back!!

thanks for that hun, must be the reason we are both daft as a brush eh?

and that quote was really good!!!and i suppose each time we felt like that and didnt do anything, that should make us feel stronger as we'd made a good descision!

thanks for your email, will take you up on that
i dont think we spoke before yesterday have we??
but has been a good laugh meeting you
speak again soon
x

yes. well, it was handy for me... an easy one to start off my career in stalking!

I think if we weren't daft as brushes we'd be sat in a pile crying! So daft has its good points!
I do love that quote, and you are right. Overcoming the thoughts is half the battle won!

i think you're fab
and you are very, very funny

p.s...dd has just gone down for an afternoon nap!!!!OMG
she's fought them for over a week...bit of crying, but i could tell she was shatterd and then she went

so i came down to clean the oven which is in desparate need, but havent got any marigolds(and it says i 'must' use them on the tin!), so will have to sit here a gain...humph!!!!

Sod the oven my dear - do something that yu really enjoy with your treasured quite time. Read a book, watch a film, paint a picture - get the idea. You really can't be super mum - remeber what I said before about peole who seem able to cope! It's MUCH more imporatant you look after yourself than the cooker! Also, don't feel guilty about falling asleep if you and dd are having a bit of quite time if you feel better for it (I napped all the time like that when i was preganant with dd and had ds to take care of!)

SO pleased to see that this thread has put you in touch with so much suppoet and in case I have totally misread what's going on, you've even managed to meet up with ine Mum. that's FAB .

Finally, good to see that you are now using a more positive name!

Will keep my eye out for you as long as you need

thankyou you have been a real friend to me
must go now as dd only had 1/2 hour!!!!
take care.xx

Cleaning ovens is bad for your health!! Anyway it is surely an activity to share with your DD ??
Depression is a terrible thing - I find I have to pull myself with a great heave out of a low sometimes but life is generally worht living I find

Hi sorry to hear of all the problems you've been having and glad you're feeling more positive now. My friend has been having a terrible time with ds not having afternoon naps so she now pops him in the car, takes him for a long drive and when he is sound asleep she sits in the car and reads, has lunch etc etc. She loves it as she is out the house (ie no ovens to clean!!)having 'me' time and her ds is getting some sleep so he is less of a pain! She also switches offher phone using the excuse that she doesn't want it to wake him up so she doesn't even have any annoying calls!
Might be worth a try!
Take care.

thanks girls

am feeling ok today, not as good as earlier in week, but acceptable
dd is asleep now after a mighty struggle but it gives me five minutes breathing space!

i dont drive yet, but that will be my best option when i eventually pass, as she does settle in the car.

am gunna go and have some lunch now before im back on call, so thanks again and 'see' you soon

xx

Good to see you are still taking one day at a time .

So are you actively learning to drive, if not maybe that is the something that will give you a bit of me time?

Fraid I can't stop today - suffering from taking on too much and disappearing under a bit of a oumtatin of comittments - what a mug I am!

Will be back soon though
Big hugs

Hi Maybean

yes, i now failed 5 driving tests and am going to put in for number 6 next week

after i posted today, i had a very bad afternoon
dd was winding me up, winging,crying if i stod up/went to get phone etc...shouted at her, did a pathetic and unnesessary atept at 'time out' with her and just made us both worse.
i doubt it was anything she did, just me again
feel so, so guilty as she doesnt deserve it.
i always feel like i have got something else to do other than sit and get to know my little girl

I know it's very hard to take a step back from chores if it is not in your nature, but it reallt is in yours and dd's best interest to try and do that. Your dd is growing up so fast, and that time doesn't come back, unfortunately dust does so I know which one I'd rather invest ny precious time in!
What yu also might find is that by taking time out from chores and playing with your dd or doing things together, like a walk to the park, might improve her behaviour because she doesn't feel like she is fihtinf for your attention. With a bit of luck and a fair wind she might then be more obliging when you absolutley must put the washing on else there's nothing to wear!

Good luck with the contiued quest to pass your test - are you still with the same driving instructor or have you tried a few out? It might make a difference.

Hope you don't think I've gone into lecture mode - feel free to ignore all advice!

Big hug to get you through your bad day.

thanks hon

i am still with same instructer... im a canny driver, just the first twice i made two very dangerous mistakes and examiner had to take wheel, third time, examiner was an arse and kept puffing, wheezing and tapping his window(found out this is what he 'does'!!) he failed me for using my handbreak too many times!!!!and last time, i failed becasue a woman and toddler stepped into the road and i stopped instead of just slowing down!!!!!(very first test was when i was 17 and didnt have a clue)

dd and i have been into town today, to get her feet measured and buy an anniversary present for dp(10 years on sunday!!!!)
we had such a laugh
we were even bopping about in cd shop to k c and the sunshine band

she's been like a little friend today and ive loved it
what also helps is that barring her asking for a drink and a cuddle about 5amish(but wouldnt come out of her own bed), she went through till 7am from 7.45 last night!!!
amaising what a good night sleep can do...for both of us
she woke up in such a good mood and instead of wanting to go straight downstairs and crying for dp, she wanted me to play in spare room/play room with her and pretend we were following a treasure map(which she drew of her own accord!!!) and jump over the crocodiles and fish in the river
can imagine our neighbours were really pleased about that!

so overall a really good day(so far..fingers crossed)..plus ive just had a conversation with boots about a electric shaver i bought for dp at christmas which he has never used as ive now found out he doesnt like them!, and they've said i can take it back with receipt for full refund!!(over £100)
although will have to spend it on dp as it was one of his xmas present(yeah..likely)but so very pleased with boots for doing such a nice thing

so yes...lots of and today!!

hope you are having a lovely day too?

and thankyou for helping me with my problems lately
xxx

Graet to see so many smiles ! One can go a little mad

We've had lovely day - at long last son got his new cabin bed and he was so chuffed with it - woth the delay of having to send it back cos they sent wrong colour!

Hope you continue to have sunny days !!And good luck with your next driving test (it sounds like you know nearly all the examiners now so you will know exactly how tp perform for them)

Very busy over next few days - so it my be a while before I next get to pop in. Will be thinking of you though (Though I'd try something new!) x