Really feel like ending it all

[PurpleOne]

Endless depression for years.
SS aren't interested in my DDs behaviour.
Exh says he cant afford it, but he's loaded.

I've lost my job. DD1 bday on Sat. Have had hell to pay cos I havent bought her the joacket she wanted.

Beleive me when I say theres absolutely no one in RL thats here.

Family? What a joke. They disowned me 2 years ago. They sent a card for DD1 bday....out fell a lovely family photo of them all, people that my dad disowned years ago and I haven't seen for years, My kids have never met them. I don't know where they live.

I wish there was something in RL I could confide in, but theres nothing here for me. NOTHING. No family.
Exh kicked off at me cos DDs were conversing with their (exhs side) cousins and that I have to keep them (DDs) off of Facebook.

FFS I cant even cry in peace without DD1 coming in here and kicking off about her birthday. This wont pass. It's been here for months.
The loneliness is crushing, I call it my veil of darkness. I can get out to the park or to swimming for something to do, the veil lifts up a little while so I can see daylight....but then it comes back down again.

I am alcoholic too. All I do is drink and sleep. I get up and do stuff in the day, but it dont mean that I talk to people.
All I live for is my kids, who treat me with such disrespect.
I dont deserve this.

I have been to AA this week and as circumstances transcribed yesterday - I have had enough.
I have a stash of pills at the ready and i cannot go on like this anymore. My DD1 even calls me 'Billy'.

Noboday bloody cares. I have been sucked into a veil of alternate reality of invisibility and it's truly horrible.
Apart from the FW and Exh, nobody has knocked on my door in 6 months. My phone never rings for me anymore.

Sorry I haven't been back to this. I guess my heads been too far up my own arse to even care...
And I just don't care anymore.

There's nothing more like poverty than the situation of loneliness and being unloved.
I have no friends to offload to. One even drove past my house yesterday and didnt even come by and knock on for coffee. It's a big issue for me as I hadn't seen them in over a year now, and why text me this info if you aint gonna do anything about it?
He said he parked over here??? I live in Essex, he lives in Kent FFS and not even a fucking knock on the door.....

Just had text back from said friend, who said he didnt even think of knocking on?
When you haven't seen them for over a year??

Shows how much I'm thought about then really.

Just a burden and everyone would be so much better off without me in their lives. Well, I aint in their lives really. They just drive past my front door wihtout a care in the world.

I'd kill for a hug right about now. Even just to stopm me from doing what I want to do with those pills.

i will give you a hug................. a BIG GRIPPING HUG.................PLS CHAT FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.............i just read the whole thread......i dont want you to do anything to harm yourself...even though i dont know you....pls talk to me i am listening.....and i am your friend....

i will give you a hug................. a BIG GRIPPING HUG.................PLS CHAT FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.............i just read the whole thread......i dont want you to do anything to harm yourself...even though i dont know you....pls talk to me i am listening.....and i am your friend....

does your friend know what you are going through? i feel like crying for you....i have a friend who i have not seen for a while and she is usually run down and depressed...and i drive past her door quiet often....i feel so guilty now....knowing that she maybe needed someone just when i went past and i didn't help......pls let me help you now

purpleone are you here?i pray you are ok...about the kids thats what they do best..wind us up...it will pass..its only because you feel so alone that this is getting to you..pls get in touch

Purpleone - please keep coming back to AA, at least until you have a beeter idea.

A lot of my friends stopped seeing me when I was at my worst. They didn't know what to say anymore and I had also become infuriating in my denial and the selfishness that went with it.

Plus, I needed that aloneness to realise I couldn't go no like this and to seek help.

I am happy to say that, in retrospect, they were right, and that the majority of them are now back in my life.

It gets better. Forget your religious "issues" (which, as I said earlier, needn't be issues at all) and come to AA. What have you got to lose?

Hope you are okay.

S