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Original poster

Really feel like ending it all

57 replies

PurpleOne · 29/04/2009 23:01

Endless depression for years.
SS aren't interested in my DDs behaviour.
Exh says he cant afford it, but he's loaded.

I've lost my job. DD1 bday on Sat. Have had hell to pay cos I havent bought her the joacket she wanted.

Beleive me when I say theres absolutely no one in RL thats here.

Family? What a joke. They disowned me 2 years ago. They sent a card for DD1 bday....out fell a lovely family photo of them all, people that my dad disowned years ago and I haven't seen for years, My kids have never met them. I don't know where they live.

I wish there was something in RL I could confide in, but theres nothing here for me. NOTHING. No family.
Exh kicked off at me cos DDs were conversing with their (exhs side) cousins and that I have to keep them (DDs) off of Facebook.

FFS I cant even cry in peace without DD1 coming in here and kicking off about her birthday. This wont pass. It's been here for months.
The loneliness is crushing, I call it my veil of darkness. I can get out to the park or to swimming for something to do, the veil lifts up a little while so I can see daylight....but then it comes back down again.

I am alcoholic too. All I do is drink and sleep. I get up and do stuff in the day, but it dont mean that I talk to people.
All I live for is my kids, who treat me with such disrespect.
I dont deserve this.

OP posts:
CandleQueen · 30/04/2009 16:57

Did you get an appt?

scottishmummy · 30/04/2009 23:32

on a serious note you need to address the home environment and reported inebriation

these things do get noted, and understandably do alarm workers

can anyone else help you get on top of domestic chores etc - make a start? i appreciate this is daunting but perhaps if you can show willingness to meet some of their identified issues

giraffesCantRunA10k · 30/04/2009 23:36

read this

and please get some help - GP/nhs24/samaritans

Take care x

fortyplus · 30/04/2009 23:58

Alcoholism is about the most destructive thing there is. Get yourself some help to get off the booze and everything else will be easier to cope with. I know a guy who has recently detoxed after being on 10 litres of cider and a bottle of wine a day. The thing is you have to want to do it for yourself and then you have to accept that you can never drink again.

SuperBunny · 01/05/2009 00:19

How are you, purple?

Original poster
PurpleOne · 01/05/2009 02:41

I'm ok superbunny.
Still feeling really really down, and I never woke up this morning to get DD2 to school. I've not asked her what time she went in either

I don't drink 10 litres of cider a day. I'm on 2 and have a refusal to drink in the day either. Only drink cider cos it's cheap and has a good effect.

I got on top of chores a few weeks ago and had a huge spring clean and painted the walls. The kitchen looks like a shit tip again and my dishwasher has packed up.
The only thing recently that has made me feel good was when myself and DD1 got our hands dirty and planted out some veggie seeds in buckets out in the yard.

Sometimes even Dd1 takes the piss about it and says 'mummy no mates'.

My head is absolutely killing me and I'm going off to bed now. At least at the docs today, I got an appt for next week and got results of blood tests too, which was a relief I suppose.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 01/05/2009 14:49

Try not to be so hard on yourself, PurpleOne. I really don't know what to say about DD1 being so unkind - I wonder if she even realises how hurtful she is being. I don't know how old your DS are but, from the pic on your profile they don't look all that old. They are gorgeous btw.

I'm glad you got an appointment - that's good

Hope you are able to have a good weekend together.

Original poster
PurpleOne · 01/05/2009 16:06

That's an old pic SB - she's 14 tomorrow.
Youngest is 11

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 02/05/2009 15:31

Happy Birthday small purpleone.

MIFLAW · 05/05/2009 09:52

Purpleone

Please give AA a go - I dare say you already have, but until you've got a better idea, it's worth trying again and again.

I know from bitter experience that you will get nowhere with your depression until you get your drinking sorted out.

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I don't want to lie to you.

Good luck - am thinking of you.

S

Original poster
PurpleOne · 05/05/2009 23:33

It's cos of lifes shit and endless rejection that caused me to drink in the first place. The drink gives me the numbness from all the hurt and pain. The underlying issues need to be addressed first before i tackle the drinking iMVHO, even my keyworker said that too.

Feeling so so down tonight. Got that lump in the throat feeling. DD1 swore at me tonight and that hurts me too.
Exh has found out my private mob number yet again too. Second time in 6 months. FFS.
It's ok for him though, he;s off to New York on Thursday for 3 weeks, his 4th holiday in 9 months and leaves us to struggle on his paltry £16 a week plus benefits.

I can't go on like this anymore, and am not strong enough to front it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleOne · 05/05/2009 23:35

MIFLAW I've tried AA so many many time and I really don't get the God thing. I am Pagan, so it's very hard to address what they're getting at.

OP posts:
serajen · 06/05/2009 15:53

Purple, I've been to AA in the past, when I first stopped drinking it was the only place I felt safe, and I really want to go back as am full of fear and dread these days, I know it may seem as if it's all about God, but the Higher Power that's mentioned alot can be anything you want it to be. MIFLAW is right about the alcohol and depression thing, I'm an alcoholic depressive (sound a barrel of laughts, don't I?!!) and I have no answers but I do know alcohol and depression are about the worst combination and the only one we have control over is the drink so we can make the choice to put that down, the depression is more difficult to deal with but we do at lesat give ourselves a chance of mental wellbeing without the booze. Thinking of you, stay in touch and so will I

InternationalFlight · 06/05/2009 16:09

No I think you're kidding yourself.

The drink doesn't make you better. It's just a vicious circle because it tricks you into thinking things are better for a bit, then you feel absolutely shit so you need another drink. It's a well known depressive drug.

It sounds like you are using the initial, brief effect it has as an excuse to carry on with it, while actually it is perfectly possibe to face up to the real issues (or just ignore them) without alcohol - lots of people with huge problems (yes worse than yours) have stopped drinking and their lives have got BETTER, not worse.

It's not your friend, it's compounding your problems.

Sorry to be so harsh but I think you need to hear it.

MIFLAW · 06/05/2009 16:09

Purple

Sorry to hear about your struggles with "God", especially as it is keeping you away from people who might be able to help you, but I'm afraid it's an excuse, not a reason. FWIW, I'm an agnostic and do not prescribe to any religion or faith at all, even paganism - yet "God" causes me no problems.

As I was told when I expressed similar excuses, "the only thing you need to know about God is that it's not you!" How right they were.

Besides, God is not mentioned until Step 2. Why not give Step 1 a go first and cross that bridge when you come to it?

serajen · 07/05/2009 14:03

Great advice, MIFLAW. Purple, AA has so much to offer, it feels like coming home for people like us and you will hear so much stuff that goes right into your heart and soul and somehow works in all the right places, regardless of faith. Why not try again with a local meeting, open-minded, everytime I go to a meeting I come away feeling so much better than when I walked in.
Alcoholism has been described as cancer of the soul and it eats us up in every sense, tthere's no chance at all of tackling our depression when we're pouring alcohol on our problems.

MIFLAW · 11/05/2009 09:50

Everyone ok?

serajen · 11/05/2009 12:11

Hello MIFLAW, bit frail today, how are you doing? Which part of the country are you in?

MIFLAW · 11/05/2009 13:03

South East London (first Peckham and, now, Crystal Palace) - though I got sober in East Kent and was also in North East London AA (Hackney, Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green) for a while.

You?

serajen · 11/05/2009 13:30

I'm in Surrey, but used to live in London and have been to meetings all over, big and small, the great thing about London is how many meetings there are every day of the week

MIFLAW · 11/05/2009 14:05

Yes - I found in Kent that travelling was not optional, especially when trying to do 90 in 90; there was one meeting a week in my town!

On the plus side, though, you see the same faces over and over again in those areas, so you know it's working; and, because AA is just a collection of drunks rather than "beginners" or "gay, bi and lesbian" or "men only" or "women only" or "Polish-speaking", you don't feel special or different, and it's less doctrinaire than London.

Still, any AA is better than no AA. I wouldn't be without it. You decided to come back then?

serajen · 12/05/2009 14:33

Well, I know I NEED to get back to meetings, just have to put one foot in front of the other and get myself there, haven't achieved that yet, which is crazy considering how much better I know I'll feel once I get through those doors, so many excuses not to go, my stupid bloody head ......

MIFLAW · 12/05/2009 14:48

Have you considered going to a meeting you've never been before? It will never be 100% successful - you never know who will crop up where - but I found it helped because there were fewer people I could imagine looking at me and wondering where I'd been.

Then, once you're back to feeling at home in your new meetings, you'll probably feel less awkward about dropping in on your old meetings.

MIFLAW · 12/05/2009 14:49

Purple - still there?

serajen · 13/05/2009 15:01

That's a good idea, MIFLAW, about a meeting I haven't been to before. Trouble is, I tend to that alot when I'm into meetings, it kind of stops anyone getting to know me, I can stay truly anonymous by never going to the same place twice! Crazy, washing machine head. Purple, we'd like it if you came back for a chat.