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Original poster

relationship ending and feeling lonely

54 replies

hurting · 23/04/2005 22:34

I've just finished with my husband after a nightmare couple of weeks after finding out he was cheating on me. Since discovering it he has been so emotionally abusive and our arguments escalated so much that he was shoving me in the head screaming abuse at me. I called the police yesterday and had him arrested and is out on bail and now he is not allowed anywhere near me. Last night I just felt panic and could barely sleep (he still has a house key) but tonight I am feeling really low, like evrything is finally coming on top of me. I am so scared aout what will happen now. He is so unpredictable that I don't know how he is going to be towards me after all this. Part of me feels relief because he has always been very emotionally abusive and has made me very dependant on him. Just sitting here crying right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 09:15

Thanks for replying. I need stuff straight away. Luckily he doesn't drive and I do so I can go to a supermarket where I will not bump into him. I am worried about disrupting my children's school routine, becuase my son is already having problems at school and a child psychologist is involved (no prizes for guessing where the root of all his problems lie!). He hates change and anything slightly different. There is no why I am going to respond to any of his messages. Now that he is gone from the house I can see exactly how he manipulated me into seeking reconciliation through therapy. I did tell him last Saturday that I did not want to be with him anymore and he went awol for the day. He left the life insurance policy on the floor and kept texting saying that he would die for me. When he came back the next day after another blazing argument he was full of remorse and god knows how he did it but he manipulated his way back in. I realise that I have just been way too nice and forgiving in the past, but he is such a strong personal and such a manipulator that I fear talking to him more than anything.

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Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 09:16

I mean 'there is no way'!

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ggglimpopo · 24/04/2005 10:34

Message withdrawn

Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 16:30

Well, he has just been over and now I feel like all my resolve is gone. Through a mutual friend I agreed that he could come over and get a few things. He said he knows he was completely wrong doing what he did and all the rest. He's full of remorse and agreeing to do things now that he was saying f that about before. It ended badly however, when I mentioned that the police officer I was talking to was horrified at the way he had treated me. 'Well she would wouldn't she because she's a fing chick'. I told him that I am fed up with him talking about women like that and he said 'sorry, we all have our opinions. If you don't like it...' I just feel like I crumble when he talks to me in such an intimidating manner. And then he said that he thought that we had made some headway today and all I was thinking was no, you have been coaxing me into believing that you are genuinely remorseful and that you will work on everything. It was as if he assumed from the start that we were definitely going to make a go of it.

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Libb · 24/04/2005 16:38

Of course he assumed, his own arrogance is blinding him - he still thinks he is in control. Show him that he isn't.

You can do it you know xxx

connyflower · 24/04/2005 16:49

thinking of you hurting! be strong! going through a break up too and im starting to see light at the end of that tunnel!
TAKE CARE XXXX

Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 18:54

Thanks for your words of support. He is texting me calmly saying he understands everything that I am feeling and that it will get better. I told him that I don't think it will. The policeman who arrested him the other night just came around and he said that at the very least he will receive a formal caution for assault. I feel so switched off to him but on the other hand I feel him trying to reel me in. From what I said previously to the police they said they were not surprised that it went the way it did, knowing the history of emotional abuse. I just don't believe he will change even though he swears he will. I also feel like why the hell should I give in - abuse aside, he has cheated on me. Confused.

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jambo1707 · 24/04/2005 18:57

Hurting

well done for not letting his mind games get to you.

You are a strong woman you know otherwise you would have let him back,

You go girl and remember all those little fishes are out their waiting to be caught and treat you like a queen

PuffTheMagicDragon · 24/04/2005 19:00

Hurting, is it possible to ignore his messages and not respond to them ?

Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 19:01

It's just so difficult. I know he will have to come and stay inthe house now as we can't afford for him to go anywhere else right now. He's been staying in a hotel which obviously isn't very cost effective. The kids were so excited to see him today and that really hurts because I feel so guilty that I want out.

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Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 19:03

I was ignoring them before today but unfortunately I opened up the line of communication today when I agreed that he could come over to talk. I'm feeling really weak about all this and quite hopeless. I can see what he is doing but the will is just gone from me.

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tiggerintum · 24/04/2005 19:03

He is trying to reel you in sweetie, Don't let him come back in!! You know he'll change the minute his head is back under you're roof!! they are HIS finances not yours so not your problem!!

PuffTheMagicDragon · 24/04/2005 19:08

How do you feel about taking up offers from friends to stay with them - it might give you some space.

Is there really no-one he can stay with?

At the very least you need some mental and physical breathing space.

I was v distressed for you when you mentioned his humiliation tactics in front of your children - pulling your trousers down for instance - this behaviour is beyond the bounds, there are no excuses for it.

I'm usually very wary of dishing out advice about other peoples relationships, but I'm worried for you.

tiggerintum · 24/04/2005 19:10

Agree with Puff, you cant even consider going back with him no matter how bad you feel.

Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 19:20

I know I cant go back with him. I told several people today and they all said there is no way that I can stay with him as well. I am thinnking that maybe after I sort out a few things here (cab, solicitor etc) I might go to my parents overseas to clear my head. I haven't told them yet - I guess I know that it really is the end when I tell them. He says he's reading lots of self help books that he just got, but to be honest I think he's only going to get so much out of them. I want to go to therapy for the kids sakes but I don't think it's going to change what I am feeling. I guess I'm procrastinating about doing something about it. I've always been a 'go with the flow' type person which is ok when you are younger but when you need the nerve to make some harsh decisions it does make it difficult. He truly has no friends to stay with either.

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tiggerintum · 24/04/2005 19:23

That is soooo his problem, not yours, dont try and make a relationship work because of your kids, by all means get it amicable if you can, but therapy won't wokr if its not what you really want.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 24/04/2005 19:24

Hurting - you really do sound as though you need some space - if there are some workable options then that's really good (even though it feels like nothing is good at the moment).

Don't dismiss counselling/therapy for yourself - you might want to consider it when you've had more time to collect your thoughts.

Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 19:27

That wasn't the only humiliation he did around the kids either. He was making fun of me for crying and hyperventilating and pointing it out to the kids saying I was a drama queen. Recently my daughter has been calling me a 'stupid mummy' and has started hitting me.

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Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 19:28

I know I need therapy for myself. Is there anyone besides relate who do one to one therapy? £40 per session will definitey hit the pocket.

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tiggerintum · 24/04/2005 19:29

Auw sweetie really feel for you, that must hurt so much, agree with puff totally, I think you should go & see your parents, they may be able to give you some advice at the same time as looking after you, then you can look at things from a different perspective.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 24/04/2005 19:30

You could be referred for counselling by your gp - you need to tell them what's been happening to you - that can be a big step for some people.

Some breathing space first sounds essential to me.

Original poster
hurting · 24/04/2005 19:34

I think I'll go to the gp then. My h signed off sick last week saying he was very stressed and he said to our gp that I was 'nagging' him and on his back all the time. He didn't mention why though.

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PuffTheMagicDragon · 24/04/2005 19:35

Hmmm - methinks you need some support from your gp!

Good luck, keep posting xx.

tiggerintum · 24/04/2005 19:40

Chin upxxxxx

Chandra · 24/04/2005 19:49

Hurting, don't worry about him not having a place to live. He walked himself to the door. Think in your security and that of your children. If you let him in, he may behave for a couple of days and then you won't have a good excuse to lock him out.