relationship ending and feeling lonely

[hurting]

I've just finished with my husband after a nightmare couple of weeks after finding out he was cheating on me. Since discovering it he has been so emotionally abusive and our arguments escalated so much that he was shoving me in the head screaming abuse at me. I called the police yesterday and had him arrested and is out on bail and now he is not allowed anywhere near me. Last night I just felt panic and could barely sleep (he still has a house key) but tonight I am feeling really low, like evrything is finally coming on top of me. I am so scared aout what will happen now. He is so unpredictable that I don't know how he is going to be towards me after all this. Part of me feels relief because he has always been very emotionally abusive and has made me very dependant on him. Just sitting here crying right now.

Oh honey, you poor thing .

Do you have family and friends nearby?

Can you get your locks changed pronto?

I do feel so sorry for you, it is so hard to recover from an abusive relationship. well done for calling the police to him, he ampley deserved it.

I don't have family in this country but I am lucky that I have a lot of supportive friends here (one of them will surely recognise me from this). I was ok this morning because I was in my steely 'I hate him' phase, but now when the house is so quiet I don't know what to do with myself. I packed up all his clothes in bags today. I have no idea who posted bail - he has no friends to speak of - but I'm sure it's his little bit of fluff who still lives with her parents. I am just so worried about money, as there is no way that we can afford to have two separate places at the moment but I know I can't have him in the house right now. I was shaking like a leaf yesterday, have a bruise on my leg where he tried to pull down my trousers and he was making fun of me in front of the kids.

Really feel for you, it must be a horrible time but you will get through it. Think positively and be strong you will be your own person. Look to the future.

Thanks. It's hard because he is one of those extra charming types who are wonderful one minute andfly off the handle in a screaming rage the next. After I found out about this girl he was seeing for three months (who incidentally lives in the same town, just down the road from my kids school) I called up a "colleague" of his who is now no longer in the country. I just had a feeling and she confirmed that they had an on off affair for the last three years. He admitted the three month recent one (I saw proof in the texts so I guess he couldn't back out) but he swears that he has never even touched this other one. He won't however, call her up and ask why she is saying all of this, which of course answers the question as to whether he is guilty or not. I just feel so sick inside because I have been nothing but faithful to him and now I feel that our marriage was a complete lie. He was utterly controlling, called me constantly and would rage at me if my phone was off (even went and bought another one to make sure I was always contactable). He was constantly threatening to leave as well, but I don't think he had any intention of ever leaving. I think he just wanted to create a little safe family at home (which he did not have as a child) and go out and have his fun too.

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No we haven't spoken before. I am mainly a lurker, mostly because my husband hated me being on mumsnet (calls it 'chavsnet'), and I was always paranoid that he would freak out if I wrote something that he didn't like. From a distance I can see that he has a personality disorder, has no empathy for anyone but himself and will never change, but it's so hard when it feels like I'm paralised because of the way he has treated me. I haven't done anything about getting the locks changed - it's a rented house - but I am going to the CAB on Monday morning. I am really paranoid about putting the kids into school after everything. When the police turned up I was hyperventilating and shakin like a leaf and he just turned on his syrupy voice and said 'it's ok, she's just a bit emotional'. I could here the male poilce officer talking to him as I was talking to the female one and it really struck me how 'jekyll and hyde' he is. The policeman called me later to let me know how the interview went and he said my husband said he was really remorseful and wants to reconcile and how he knows he has really treated me badly. But after he got out on bail, he sent me a text saying 'u have no shame'. Luckily the police are seeing straight through him and are cautioning him not to contact me at all. I just feel so in limbo here and completely paranoid about what is going to happen next. The kids are not too bad. They have witnessed everything of course (which is my fault don't you know), but my son idolises him and he has been crying for him. My daughter is afraid of him and has been very vocal about that.

If you've been lurking for a bit, hopefully you'll know there will be support on here for you.

I haven't experienced the abuse you describe in my adult life, but me and my Mum had to escape my father when I was a little girl because of his physical and emotional abuse towards her.

Good luck with CAB and keep posting.

Take care xx.

Just seen this. God what a horrible horrible time you've had. If I was near you, I'd make you all come and stay with me.
Keep posting. The more you do, the more responses you will get. There are so many kind and wise and good people on MN who will be able to give you the extra bit of support that will help you through.

Hopefully you are over the worst bit.

XXXX to your and your children.

Thank you for replying. An old friend just called which was very comforting. I have several people who are saying just drop everything and go to stay with them, but I am paranoid about leaving the area for too long. I just don't know what he is going to do. Last night I got some really spiteful texts and then first thing in the morning I got an email which was written in third person pretending to be someone else (recognise his spelling mistakes though!). He was saying how we have to work together for the kids and still wants therapy. We have a relate session on Tuesday that was booked last week and I'm in two minds about what to do about it. I don't want to tell my family about it just yet because I'm worried they will get too upset. There is no way that I want to get back with him, and I'm worried that he will try and wear me down. Think I might go to bed to clear my head.

Hi hurting, really feel for you, this is the hardest part, my sister was in similar situation, took her 5 years to get away & then I lived with her for two years to stop her going back, stay strong, it will be hard especially for the kids as they won't know which way to go, as long as they don't feel like they have to choose between you & him they will learn to adjust, even if he is an asshole he's till their dad (which I'm sure you realise)

Not in bed just yet. I'm trying to be really careful about how I word it to the children. I've said to them that Daddy has not been very nice to Mummy and he won't be able to live with us any more but you will still see him and both of us love you very much. I've been reading about emotional abuse non stop the last couple of weeks and it's really sunk in that he is typical of that kind of man. Every single sign that I have read I can relate to. He swept me off my feet, got married after two months and it wasn't until I was pregnant and dependant on him that the other side of him came out. I strated breaking off all my old friendships, he badmouthed my family, if I dared to talk back he would call me 'mouthy' or say that I have an attitude. He sulked, he blamed me for things that were out of my control and would scream the most horrendous abuse. I got so used to it that it didn't affect me any more when he was doing it. He's got us into debt by spending money on clothes, haircuts, music etc, but I've never felt like I could actually tell him to stop spending becuase I would get 'it's my fing money I can do what I fing want with it so you can go f* yourself.' Sorry, I am just rambling now but I have so many emotions inside me.

Yeah fine its his money, but they are his children that need feeding!! I understand you have lots of feelings running around, so don't apologise for rambling, I think it sounds like youre doing a grand job Just make sure you get all those practicalities (maintence etc) sorted out ASAP, make sure the whole world knows hes an arse and let his silly bit of fluff keep him!!!!

I know he is a control freak and to my benefit I am naturally too obstinate to put up with it. Because I am older than when I first met him (was 22 then) I am less willing to put up with the way he has been treating me which has in itself caused problems because if I was meek and mild over all this upset he has caused through his affairs and accepted his half hearted apologies, then it probably would not have gotten to the physical stage (but I know I am probably kidding myself there). Oer the last few weeks I have found any bit of love I had for him slowly creep out of me and I just have hatred inside me now when I look at him.

Believe me, she is welcome to him! The only worry is that she sounds very naive and innocent (honestly believed his story the we were 'separated' but living under the same roof for the sake of the kids!), and that he will just repeat history by manipulating her and then treating her in the same way. I have told everybody left right and centre about what he has done, I have no worries about keeping any pride. I know that it just makes him look foolish. When I dared mention that the husband of one of my friends thought he was an idiot he shoved me in the head and threatened to throw a glass in myface (in front of the kids too mind you).

I understand your concerns for fluff, but you won't be able to make her see, believe me. She will see what other people think/say and make up her own mind, if she sticks with him, more fool her. You seem to have your head well screwed on which is fab, no chance of you falling back under the spell, which is best for all of you. As for your kids as long as you are open with them and make their lives as comfy as possible they can decide for themselves about him.

Thanks for reassuring me. I feel so angry with myself that I was taken in, and that I didn't get the courage to leave sooner, but I guess it took the discovery of the affairs to get my anger moving and make me more pro-active. Will definitely go to bed now - kids get up early every morning and I'm sure tomorrow will be no different!

Try not to let that anger eat you up, I've doneit myself and it just aint worth it and sometimes thats just what it takes. Sleep well Hurting, your doing good

He has just texted asking how the kids are coping, like nothing has really happened. The police told me to record any contact he makes with me. I have to do some food shopping today but am worried about leaving the house. I think I'll just do it extra early. Still feel that emptiness feeling though. Is this what they call being co-dependant?

easy for me to say i know but try not to let him make you feel like aprisoner in your own home.

you have your litle cherubs to take care off and you need to get your shopping, take a mobile with you and if he approaches you phone the police.

He is more than likely aware on how vulnerable you are right now, but try with all your might to show him you are that strong woman- even if you are crumbling inside.

BE STRONG MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurting, you sound really amazing - so strong and in control. You can get through this, I know it. Do use your friends invites though, you will feel better for it - they can also help you stay focussed on the "how dare he treat me like this!" feeling, that is your strength.

Why not do your shopping online unless you need stuff straight away?