Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Any addicts out there tonight? I am struggling...

61 replies

naswm · 01/04/2009 00:11

...desperate to get drunk, or harm, or take pills, or binge

Am so awake, but need to be asleep

Anyone know what this is like and can talk me out of it?

I've been on MN for 2 hrs distracting myself but it's not taken away the urges

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 19:38

thank you.

thank you.

I will take all the virtual hugs etc I can get.

my dh despairs of me. We dont talk about anything. He wont go to any meetings of any sort or any counselling. He has enough of his own problems to deal with. In fact as a family we have a huge amount of stuff to cope with day to day. He resents me and my addictions and that has caused a rift between us. I dont know if it will ever be repaired.

I dont want to leave MN. But I get very paranoid when I have spoken too honestly.

i am sad tonight and that is not a good mental state for me to be in. My therapist would say that I should sit with it and see what comes up, but my insticnt is to push it away and cover up the feelings

OP posts:
blinks · 02/04/2009 22:10

sad is normal. pretend ok is worse. what is it you're scared of naswm?

it's very hard for families and partners of addicts so i can sympathise with your dh BUT he needs to be supportive of the recovery process in order for it to work. if he's not willing to do that you might be better off apart so that your energy is completely focussed on stopping active addiction/harming.

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:22

He thought if he paid for me to go to rehab I'd be cured

I am scared of verything atm

And am now drunk

And thus a failure

Again

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 22:23

glad you want hugs, if nothing else, I'm great at hugs...
Look = ((((((HUGS))))))((((((HUGS))))))(((((((HUGS))))))((((((HUGS)))))) these are especially and exceptionally good hugs too

iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 22:28

You are not a failure, you are human and having a tough time of things. It must feel like a mountain in front of you, but almost all mountains can be scaled and defeated, and all highly experienced mountaineers have a team of helpers with them. Get your team assembled and get planning for your expedition to conquer this mountain. You can do it.

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:30

thanks for the hugs, I lack them. It dos indeed feel like a nountain in front of me. dh is critically ill, ds1 has a longterm chronic heatlh problem with an unknown prognosis and I am a pathetic addict. I have to be strong but I dont know how, I am naswm after all

OP posts:
suwoo · 02/04/2009 22:35

Just wanted to give you more (((((((((hugs))))))))))

Lots of love

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:36

thanks, sorry

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 22:45

Does naswm stand for something? can you share with me/us?

The thing is, it's really hard to be strong even if you are well. You are not well. This illness may be caused by your addictions, but it's still an illness. These things are screaming at you to take them, add to that the physical pull...yes, you do need extra strengths, but you know that it can be done just as much as I know, but of course it's going to be a very bumpy and rough journey. Don your helmet, pull on your armour and do it. Do it for yourself first off and then your Dc's. Your Dh comes last. Yes, he's important, especially if he's what you want, but he is an adult and he's not(I assume)drug/alcohol dependent, so can largely look out for himself.

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:47

not a strong woman me (naswm)

dh is not an addict. He is very ill tho, but with a medical not mental illness

right now I just feel like a sad drunk who deserves all she gets but I know that is the booze talking

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 22:47

Why are you apologising? you don't need to, not to us.

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:49

I am aplogising cos I know what I do is wrong

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 22:49

So I'm guessing that you feel responsible for him too...

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:51

well I became his carer, and then the carer of my boys - after parenting my mother from the age of erm about 3 I guess And yes I feel resoponsbile for all of them

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 22:55

I know I'm not telling anything that you don't already know here, but you don't have to be this way. You need to get some support from some proffesionals somewhere and I'm aware that you've said that one side won't help you because you have the other problems and vice versa, but there must be something somewhere that can help. Have you seen your GP recently? can he help you at all?

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 22:57

the option is I leave. But I am not brave enbough

GP is crap

no help whatsoever, all I have got I ahve discovered myself

And I am tired of fighting it all now, tbh

I am so cross withmyself this week, the heaviest week in a couple fop months But drinking stops me cutting etc etc but its all bad. I wish I coudl put them all down,l for good

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 23:10

The thing is, you can't possibly give anyone else the best of 'you' unless you are feeling the best you possibly can feel. I'm currently having counselling myself and today I found out that I don't put myself first, I always give too much of myself away because my self esteem is very low. I can see that ~ now she's explained it to me, but I'm 45 years old and have never given it a thought before. Not sure how I can change me, but I'm going to give it a bloody good go! So. Can. You.

MIFLAW · 02/04/2009 23:12

I do understand how you feel. I have been there.

But we both know you can't rn away from this. Wherever you go, you will take you with you. Pity, from self or others, will only take you so far, too, and so will blaming others, even if they are actually in the wrong. Sooner or later you will get where we all get - the realisation that something is missing and that the stuff that used to replace it - in my own case, booze - has stopped doing the trick.

It sounds like AA has worked for you in the past and I urge you to get back to meetings asap. Can no one babysit while you go to a meeting this week? Does your husband's illness stop him from looking after the kids?

You can and will get through this but you won't do it on your own or you'd already have done it. Keep talking and try to trust. It does get easier.

iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 23:13

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to write each post, I'm trying to do two things at once.

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 23:17

thanks you two. I appreciate your words.

I know that hting about putting yourself first. I learnt that a while. Not saying I do it, but I learnt it. Actually I do do it, but within the boundaries so to speak

thing is miflaw, I am scared of what I will repace it with, cos when I am sober I get my feelings, and I cant cope with them, cos I have been repressed for nearly 40 years.And feelsing hurt, and there is a lot of sadness in me which has never come out. When I am sober I begin to feel things again, adn then it overpowers me and I have no support to proitect me, so I drink. That happened today. I was so sad, and I sat wih the feelings up to a point then it got so bad and when the dc were down I started. I am just alone and an addict and dont know what to do tbh

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 23:27

Sounds like you need counselling in tandem with AA first of all...can you do that? find the grit and determination to do it.

MIFLAW talks a lot of sense.

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 23:29

I know

thanks for chatting to me.

I am supposed to be going on holiday with my family on Saturday. How on earht am I going to cope with all that? Rhetorical quastion of course.

thanks so much for talking to me.

Nx

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 23:31

Keep your chin up and come back to talk ok? we don't mind at all (((((((((hugs)))))))))x

Original poster
naswm · 02/04/2009 23:42

thank you

OP posts:
iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 23:45

you are so welcome, truly. Hate to know that people are hurting