I'm a mess. I'm paranoid, I'm needy, I lie, I alienate people, I gossip, I'm self obsessed, I hate me.

[ugh]

Yet again I find myself friendless. Its been like this my whole life - I've just realised I've alienated another group of people. I make friends reasonably easily and then over the course of a couple of years I do lots and lots of tiny bonkers things and then people eventually hate me.

Where do I start to fix this? I have noone to turn to again.

I dont think people hate me generally - I know I'm friendly and people describe me (initially at least) as lovely - and then I MAKE people hate me. I let them down or show them up or slag them off to a mutual friend or flirt with their husband or just fail them. I'm vile.

it sounds as though you subconciously want to push people away..sort of ''everyone lets me down in the end so I'll push them away before they have the chance to do that''
have you had reasons in the past to feel betrayed or let down by people?