I'm a mess. I'm paranoid, I'm needy, I lie, I alienate people, I gossip, I'm self obsessed, I hate me.

[ugh]

Yet again I find myself friendless. Its been like this my whole life - I've just realised I've alienated another group of people. I make friends reasonably easily and then over the course of a couple of years I do lots and lots of tiny bonkers things and then people eventually hate me.

Where do I start to fix this? I have noone to turn to again.

ugh - I am not terribly qualified to answer, nor do I have any fantastic peices of advice but didnt want you to go unanswered. You sound very similar to a family member of mine so I will watch with interest what people post as it may help me to help her IYSWIM.

I think you've made aprobably difficult and important step by asking for help though xx

there must be one friend you liked more than the rest.

phone her up and apologise - tell her you offer no excuses, you have been a complete cow, you value her friendship - will she forgive you

of course she will

I wonder whether you really do alienate people or whether you dislike yourself so much that you build up petty incidents in your head and assume people hate you? Whatever the case it sounds like you could do with some RL help - have you considered counselling?

what kind of counselling could I take - I have no idea how to get counselling.

I'm one of 'those' women - the type that other mumsnetters say 'cut all ties with her, she sounds mad'

Can you give some examples? To give perspective I mean.

I (for reasons I truly don't understand) add small lies to true stories that eventually come out when people compare notes.

I gossip and I stir mainly.

I'm two faced and I'm needy.

And I don't know what makes me do these things.

People really like me to start with too - I'm funny and I can easily start a conversation with people, then when they like me I treat them like crap.

you're terribly hard on yourself...selfaware - yet not aware enough to be able to stop these pattersn of behaviour. Some sort of cognitive therapy, where you can learn to react to particular situations in a different way might help?

Psychotherapy is hard to access (as you're not necessarily on a severe end of the scale iyswim) but probably would be a good place to explore it - sometimes you can access cheapish therapy from trainees who need clients? If you want to change it that's a big first step.

Have you ever had any mental health problems in the past?

I think I've had this one forever.

heart felt thanks for replies - need to dash off for a little while

Sounds like you have really low self esteem and it's affecting (1) how you see yourself, and therefore (2) how you behave. You need to break this. There are good books such as Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell. Or see your GP and get yourself referred for counselling. CBT might be a good route for you. It's fixable, I promise.

How do you feel and what are your thoughts when you are doing these things?

Are you trying to feel more important?

Do you feel important enough?

If you didn't have these problems would you like yourself?

why do you lie? do you gossip and stir as you think that if you play divide and rule a bit that you are making your social position more secure?

actingnormal : I don't feel anything at all - it is normal behaviour for me. I feel rubbish - I'm lazy, irritable grumpy and sour.

One thing that made me jump earlier was that I realised I'd started a thread where people were trying to help me at a stupid time - I had to leave work half an hour after I started it (shouldn't have started it at work) and I actually had written a load of bollocks about needing to deal with something urgently when the truth was I had started something I didnt have time to finish. I lie/reinvent the truth all the time without thought I think

totalchaos : its nothing, nothing nothing like as conscious as that. deep down I guess thats my motivation but no, I dont think at all. I just talk and I talk rubbish. I've never lied about someone else by the way - I don't stir by lying, I stir because people trust me and confide in me and I don't keep confidences.

could any of this be related to your childhood/upbringing?

I'm sorry you feel like thay/ I used to feel a bit like you. I recommend hypnotherapy.

like that

sorry to hijack but can anyone help chuckieegg2008 on her thread under the mental health topic.. she needs some advice from people other than me.... and I have been no help!

i don't know much about this, but maybe someone else does - but i reckon a referral from a gp to get cbt(cognitive behaviour therapy) could work well for you.

if you've always been like this, then it will take a while to get a stable perspective and build things up again.

embrace the change you've started with yourself, and make sure you follow through to get the proper support to make the change last.

just looked up and saw uberalice's response... yep i second that!

By ugh Fri 13-Feb-09 22:02:09
"One thing that made me jump earlier was that I realised I'd started a thread where people were trying to help me at a stupid time - I had to leave work half an hour after I started it (shouldn't have started it at work) and I actually had written a load of bollocks about needing to deal with something urgently when the truth was I had started something I didnt have time to finish. I lie/reinvent the truth all the time without thought I think"

You've not done anything wrong. You didn't start the thread at a "stupid" time. You started the thread while the issues were on your mind. You've got yourself into a habit of beating yourself up and you need to learn to be nice to yourself. Check out the book I mentioned earlier. I really do think it could help you.

Oh, and one of the classic symptoms of low self esteem is believing that people hate you. They almost certainly don't.