Feeling odd, thoughts of hurting myself, no idea why...

[swoosh]

My life was a mess for 3 years but has improved dramatically over the past 12 months with huge effort from me and I am in a relatively good place, mentally. Lots of uncertainty still but I feel calm, content and okay with things as they are.

So why then am I falling asleep every night with thoughts and images of self-harming? The are totally passive thoughts but they are cropping up more when I am awake and now feel like urges rather than just fleeting thoughts and that scares me. Why, when I have worked so hard to have this under control and when my life is finally not in total tatters, am I going back to self-destructive behaviour?

My eating problems are beginning again and I have been abusing sleep medication. I don't want to go down this road and can't understand how, when I am happier than I have been for years, I am having such depressing thoughts. It feels like all the incredibly hard work I have done to crawl back from a serious suicide attempt was pointless and that even being happy isn't enough. My mind wants me to bleed and suffer and die.

Not sure if I am asking for advice, support, or just trying to clear my head by typing. I don't expect anyone to respond.

I'm NOT depressed, officially, though I take ADs so I don't lapse- Ha ha ha.

Sorry you're having such a hard time, swoosh. I don't have experience of self-harm, and don't want to waffle irrelevantly but don't want to not post either.
Thinking of you XX

It sounds as if you've done fantastically well, and been very brave, to get yourself from such a low point to where you are now. Imo you need to get some professional advice on the destructive thoughts and behaviours you have been experiencing. I don't think it's uncommon for people who have suffered like you have, and then recovered and are feeling better, to have a period when they start becoming anxious about how to maintain their new found happiness. It isn't necessarily easy to allow ourselves to feel happy so you might need a little more support to attain this. But please stay positive, you've achieved so much. X

this happened to someone very close to me, she was in total mess for a good 2 years finally spent a good 10 months being really happy, she even got married but then she attempted suicide thankfully she did not succeed. We did not speak about this for about 4 years but when we finally did she said she was really happy at the time but just could not get certain negative thoughts out of her head ect and that she was actually depressed even though she was happy she said it was the thoughts of all her happiness slipping away again that did it, anti depressents sorted it out but it was a very scary time.

I have done really well and I am quite proud of myself. But I am worried that it was all in vain and that things will repeat themselves. I will talk to my dr at the end of next month. We already agreed to meet then since Feb/ March are always a bad time for me.

I do wonder if I am depressed. But can one be depressed yet feel happy at the same time? I hate feeling like this - I have so much to be thankful for yet I still have this underlying sense of gloom. Ugh.

Thanks for listening and posting.

Sorry you are having difficulties. If your eating probs are resurfacing a little and you are abusing sleep medication, things are not really ok for you.

It sounds like you are really good about being positive and upbeat. But the anxieties you might feel about the food and meds problems can't be entirely obliterated and so perhaps have to express themselves in the thoughts of self-harm.

Perhaps you should give full weight to the food and meds probs. I don't mean that you should start to feel negative. Just allow yourself to give them and you the care you need to address them -- e.g. fix up an earlier appt with your doctor.

Best wishes.

I fear you are probably right, threadworm. Things are not really ok, are they? Thinking about SH, even passively, chronic insomnia & consequent misuse of meds, eating issues...

Yet, other than that, I feel good. Quite content. It's odd. I almost feel like 2 people - a depressed me and the happier version, which is much nicer. I am not sure if I prefer being one very depressed person or like this.

I always used to have a happy facade which helped me when I was really low - I could almost convince myself I was ok and I wonder if that is what is going on now, to some extent albeit subconsciously.

I will see about going to dr sooner. He is only there for a couple of hours each week so books up fast and there is no-one else I can see. But I will try.

Thank you for listening.

I think this is getting out of hand. I'm bingeing and I can't stop. I don't want this to happen again

Swoosh. Are you OK?

I'm really sorry swoosh. Remember that Christmas is such a tough time emotionally especially for someone with food issues. DON'T feel angry with yourself (The self-harm thoughts are an expression of anger withyourself I think?)

Feel love and care for yourself, as you would for someone else having the difficulties you are slipping into at the moment.

Christmas is over, fresh start beckons.

I'm ok, sorry. Bad night last night. Will have a quiet weekend, I think.

I asked my family not to give me chocolate for Christmas but they all ignored me and I got tons. I can't cope with having it around and I am annoyed that they ignored my request. To be fair, I didn't explain why I don't want it but we go through this every year - I say 'Please don't' and they do anyway.

hi swoosh.

i'd second chocolate in the bin.

ime depression can do this. it can creep up on you when everything feels good. i don't know whether that means there are "issues" that haven't been dealt with or just that once you've been there - once your brain has those patterns ingrained - it can start up again all on its own.

do you have someone (not necessarily medical) you can talk to about any of this? someone who knows your history? keep talking to us if it helps.

Thanks

I don't really know what to do about my family. This happens all the time - they bring me chocolate as a treat and fail to see that if I've asked for them not to, that it isn't a treat. Quite the opposite. But without going into details with them, I think it will just continue. Anyway, I have packaged it up ready to give to someone else and have listed what I have for them so I cannot eat it!

I don't really have anyone to talk to. A couple of friends but I only ever see them with the DC around and it's not something to discuss in front of them.

I will deal with this. Thanks for the support. I suddenly felt scared and alone and worried about what would happen

morning swoosh, hope you had a good night, well done with chocs.

have you taken any steps towards making a docs appt? i would certainly say that if you're currently on meds it might be an idea to look at increasing the dose. end of next month doesn't sound anywhere like soon enough.

is "your" doc a psych or gp? obviously best to see the pysch if you've got one but gp might be worth seeing in the short term. have you ever had something like diazepam on hand or would that be too much of a temptation?

the mixed feelings you're describing sound like my experience of the beginnings of depression, before it's got a proper grip. for me that's a big flashing sign to a) get to the docs and b) to take extra care of myself, it's not self indulgent it's protecting my family.

do you get time when you don't have kids to look after? or can you rope in someone to give you some time? i find getting some form of exercise quite helpful in the short term - it's something i can do that isn't destructive - and you may find it helps with your sleep.

can you put your finger on anything that might have sparked these thoughts or are they totally out of the blue?

take care

Thank you puppy

I do get time away from my DC and I have made an effort to use it productively - to have proper time to myself and do nice things, exercise, have a bath, see friends etc.

I haven't been able to talk to dr yet because of xmas and the weekend but will do this week. It's top of my list. He is a psych and will just throw meds at me. But if they work then that's ok.

I'm just so sick of feeling like a total fuck-up. I have fought so hard for my life yet I still feel crap. What's the point of fighting it all the time? Is this how my life will always be? Because I can't do this forever, it's just too much. I don't mind working hard if it means I'll be over this and can put it all behind me but it never seems to be very far behind, no matter how hard I try. And as soon as I think it is, it just creeps up on me again

I wish I knew what had prompted this but I don't know. Nothing has happened.

Right, you are not a total fuck up, far from it, you have been suffering from a very common illness, and by the sound of it, have been doing very positive things towards your own recovery. I think part of the process of recovery, as puppy describes, is learning to spot the signs of a blip in your health and getting support with it in time to stop the slide. And not seeing this as a failure but as a another positive step towards recovery. Most people have to work at their mental health to some extent or other, and it may be that you'll have to keep working on this for a while.

Have you had any counselling Swoosh? If there is something blocking you from being able to properly feel happy, then a good counsellor should be able to help you with this. I've been having counselling after a period of depression and this is the very thing I'm working on with her.

oh swoosh i recognise that feeling, being so weary of fighting. it won't be forever, but there will be dips along the way, there will be steps backwards. it sounds as thought you've made huge steps forward from where you were a year ago - that's not a fuckup, that's a strong woman, you can keep going.

the way i see it, once your brain has made negative associations, has set certain pathways, it falls back into them at the first possible opportunity. equally with positive thought patterns - the longer you can keep them going the stronger they become and when your brain's idling it will default to those good thoughts not the destructive ones. but it does take time.

have you worked with your psych or a counsellor about the causes/nature of your depression? if you'll forgive me talking about me for a bit, i've had episodes that were very much a reaction to things that had happened and i've also had episodes that came completely out of the blue. so now i feel i have some idea what to expect next - i.e. it will come back, i will be hard, but i will get through and i live for the in between bits, which i try my damndest to make the most of.

not saying that's going to be your pattern too, just that it makes it in some small way more possible to go on if you understand the pattern and know in your head (even if you don't feel in your heart) that it will pass.

lack of sleep is tricky as presumably for you it's one symptom of your depression, whereas it's the opposite for me - when i'm down i could sleep 20 hours a day. i do know that being short of sleep very quickly drives me loopy though - can you look at that as a priority?

swoosh it sounds to me like there are a lot of emoions bubbling away under the surface an perhaps you have been ignoring them and they are finally pushing their way to the surface now?

Is there any other outlet you have to talk this through? therapists? other online sources?

I empathise with a lot of your thoughts and feelings. If you want to keep tlaking I will do my best to reposnd.

Nx

(PS Do I know you by a different name btw?)

Thanks all

I have had counselling but it was mainly how to deal with suicidal thoughts rather than tackling the issues that contribute to my depression. I am really not sure I can face doing that at the moment anyway. And I have no time/ money to have more counselling atm. But, one day...

I am sure you are right about this just being a blip. I am just fed up of blips. This is a bad time of year for me and I think I am being rather more sensitive and negative than I might be if this happened in the summer.

Yes, naswm, you do know me. I namechanged for this

I am ok and I will be ok. Just irritated that this is happening again

Thanks for listening and for all the support.

HUGE HUGS. I am here.

Nx

Hi Swoosh, sorry you're feeling like this at the mo. I used to self harm, I've had 2 periods of serious depression and I self harmed through both periods.
However, even when I'm not depressed sometimes thoughts of self harming will just pop in my head, it may seem strange but it's almost like I miss it, I don't even understand why I did it so it's difficult for me to understand why I would miss it.
Unfortunately I think once you've been through such problems I think it's something we will always have to battle with.
Have u had counsilling for your problems? I know you say u feel a lot better than you have in years but maybe there's some underlying problem that's niggling to get out?
Be strong and don't give in to any temptations to harm yourself, it's really not worth it and then you have to live with the scars for months or longer which is just a horrible reminder when you're trying to move on.

So, I saw my psychiatrist this week and told him I was fine

He asked me various questions - do you ever feel happy (I sometimes do), do you go out (yes), do you see your friends (yes) etc

He seems to think my insomnia is not an issue and thinks I am doing well and even suggested coming off my ADs. I panicked a bit and reminded him that Feb & March have been bad times for me in the past - both my hospitalisations were at this time of year, so he said we'd wait til the summer. Which is good.

BUT... on the way home, I began having passsive suicidal thoughts again. I am not sure if this was just a reaction to the thoughht of coming off ADs (which I would actually like to do). I still have a general feeling of glumness - not terrible misery just a bit blue often. The thing is, i can;t remember if that is just what it is like to be normal - maybe I am ok?

This is probably making no sense... I just needed to type and get this out of my head.

Suicidal feelings aren't good, even passive ones.
The glumness isn't good either.

I'm not good for advice I'm afraid. I only started browsing mental health because I'm feeling like shit and got drawn into your thred.

My best wishes to you, I hope things improve.

if you are mentally 'looping' and repeating the same journey every night into those thoughts you may need some cognitve behavioural therapy to break that path up.
in the meantime for help now when you are feeling ok during the day create a 'happy place' or scenario in your head like a beautiful safe tropical beach or whatever your perfect haven would be, just one strong image. at night when the negative thoughts start to creep in catch them immediately and replace firmly with the strong image you created earlier and keep hold of it.
it takes practice. if thats too difficult then try 'surrounding' the images/thoughts that are popping up in a big bubble or box and then mentally blast it away from you into the cosmos and explode it into a million pieces like a huge firework :-) these sound quite weird but i got these techniques from someone who knows and understands mental health and they work
you've done really well so far keep strong

swoosh, it sounds like anxiety - maybe try some relaxation techniques?