Feeling odd, thoughts of hurting myself, no idea why...

[swoosh]

My life was a mess for 3 years but has improved dramatically over the past 12 months with huge effort from me and I am in a relatively good place, mentally. Lots of uncertainty still but I feel calm, content and okay with things as they are.

So why then am I falling asleep every night with thoughts and images of self-harming? The are totally passive thoughts but they are cropping up more when I am awake and now feel like urges rather than just fleeting thoughts and that scares me. Why, when I have worked so hard to have this under control and when my life is finally not in total tatters, am I going back to self-destructive behaviour?

My eating problems are beginning again and I have been abusing sleep medication. I don't want to go down this road and can't understand how, when I am happier than I have been for years, I am having such depressing thoughts. It feels like all the incredibly hard work I have done to crawl back from a serious suicide attempt was pointless and that even being happy isn't enough. My mind wants me to bleed and suffer and die.

Not sure if I am asking for advice, support, or just trying to clear my head by typing. I don't expect anyone to respond.

I'm NOT depressed, officially, though I take ADs so I don't lapse- Ha ha ha.

Thanks

I know the suicidal feelings aren't good

I did talk with my doctor about CBT and might start that in the summer. I don't have the time, money or inclination to do it at the moment and he agreed I need to feel ready to do it, otherwise it will be pointless.

loopylil, I'll try out your suggestions.

The problem is that the negative feelings just come out of nowhere - I can be walking down the road with DS feeling relatively content and will suddenly think 'if that bus hit me, we'd both be better off' yet I know that isn't true and I don't actually want it to happen. So why do I think it? And why can't I stop those thoughts?

I don't really expect any responses - I am just thinking aloud.