I feel lonely, isolated and don't know what I can do about it.

[WhatNextWhatNow]

Please can someone help? I feel very depressed. I cry daily, and am very lonely and isolated after moving to a new town where DP's job is based) 18 months ago.

I make an effort - I go to toddler groups 4 times a week but find it hard as I'm so unbearably exhausted. I used to go to baby groups, but I dreaded them and ended up stopping going (on HV's advice) and have recently restarted going out - toddler age now tho.

I have little in common with other mums due to the age gap (I am 40) and the fact that I was never a baby person before becoming a mum.

I have been looking for a job since I moved to the area, but I have only been able to find 4 jobs to apply for and have been unsuccessful gaining interviews.

I am desperate to work, so I can get some adult contact, and use my brain. I feel totally deskilled, and am now worried that regardless of what type of job I get I am so severely lacking in confidence and energy that I would be unable to cope.

My old career has gone and I need to retrain, but find it hard to commit to anything - I've just lost so much interest and confidence. I've even been applying for voluntary jobs - and not even getting them! It's so soul destroying.

My self confidence is at rock bottom. DP is lovely, but what can he do? I'm alone all day and my only outlet is going to the supermarket.

I desperately miss my old friends, but they've all moved on, moved away, and due to geography / babysitting issues I can't see them.

I've thought about putting my 17 month old DS to nursery 1 or 2 mornings a week so I can get a break - but what would I do with the time?

I am currently preg (29 wks) and getting more and more despondent.

On top of this I suffer from chronic tiredness (brought on by stressful job, long hours, bullying) 6 or 7 years ago.

Sadly I feel that being a SAHM has many similarities to being long term unemployed - no salary, no sense of worth, losing contact with the outside world, losing job skills / personal skills etc etc.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel it seems.

Please help!!!

I really do understand how you are feeling when I had my dd it was never planned and I had just moved to a new area so I knew noone. My dd had terrible colic so all she would do is cry so I never bothered to go to baby groups. I think the first thing you could is ask your dr about taking St Johns Wort a natural anti deppressant (it really does work) check it is ok to take whilst being pregnant. We all need some timeout so putting your child in nursery is never a bad thing, you could try going to the gym, or getting exercise all these things help to lift your mood. Keep trying to go to toddler groups and activities because you will eventually meet someone on your wave-length.

Hi there whatnext.I know how you feel.I had a v. demanding medical job which I couldn't continue due to long hours and putting my need/wants 2nd to my dh to protect his income.Altho I loved being a SAHM, was dismayed to somehow feel a bit of a nobody in other peoples eyes.Also a loss of power comes with no income and can change dynamic of relationship.My advice is start with the 2 mornings of childcare to give you space and time to think, plan, and be your own person.

Thank you so much for your replies!

If I could knock the lethargy on the head that would be half the battle.. I have little motivation even to go out of the house - and when I do go out I can't think of anything to do really? I'm worried about how things will carry on after baby #2 - will I feel more lethargic, or less?

Wish I had family nearby, or proper mates that I could drop in and visit for a natter. I never go to anyone's house, and get no visitors. I am a sociable animal, and pine for company...

Oh,it sounds grim.
I agree, start with having a couple of mornings just to think.
Some gentle exercise will do you good, swimming, walking.
Why did your HV suggest stopping the groups?

sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
I wondered if you had tried to find out whether there are any mumsnet meet-ups near you?

I have been through the same process 9years ago, no family arround,no friends. As klover says, if you carry on going you will find someone with the same interests as you. Do not stay at home all day (by doing that I put on 6 stones in 6 mths ,not good). If you put Ds to nursery, try your local library, they do can maybe help ou finding a group you could join to make new friends that are not necessarely baby people either.

Maybe the local church or community hall holds coffee mornings or something. It might sound a bit boring but it is still better than not going out at all and it could be a starting point to get your confidence back and go for something more adventurous, craft course, reading club...anything that YOU are interested in and where you can find someone like minded.

All the best really!

HV said to stop going to baby groups as it was making me depressed, and I dreaded it. I felt "cliqued out" and just didn't fit in. Toddler groups I find more manageable, as I am kept busy by Mr Energy who is 17 months, so don't feel under so much pressure to join in "mum-chat" with people I have little in common with.

I do actually really like the toddler groups I go to, but it's just not enough....

I have been unemployed before, and felt much the same as I do now - days stretching endlessly before me, and losing all confidence, not to mention being deskilled jobwise.

I also find it hard to go to the groups cos I can't get out of the house in time - I wake up exhausted even if I have an early night...

How do I get some energy?

Message withdrawn

Agree you could be depressed cos of low confidence and extreme tiredness and crying.Go to see your gp.Also are you anaemic?
Some of your energy will come back when baby born I expect but at least if you get some childcare you can rest and it will be a bit easier when no2 arrives.Take carex

where in the country are you?perhaps some one on here will know some one else in ur situation, and u can sit together and moan over a cup of tea, and try to see the bright side of it all.
i feel the same about going back to work. also pregnant and itseems no one will emply us
hope it works out for you.
do let us know roughly where u are so we can put a few feelers out for u
xxx

hey WNWN didn't want to leave you unanswered. Don't really have much advice, would second the thoughts on here about seeing GP to check anemia etc, as that is common at your stage of pregnancy.

I moved to a new area with dh job too when ds was 3 months old and found it really hard going, giving up the city life i'd loved, old friends, my job. I had horrendous PND and found it traumatic just getting ds and me ready to go out somedays!

But i tried different groups (including music class, kindergym, storytime at the library) etc until i found some "older" mums i had more in common with. Also joined local NCT who were great (not everyone's experience i know, but you can get lucky and find a nice group). Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and ask a friendly face if they'd like to meet for a coffee (with or without kids) or playdate. How do you know the other mums are not feeling like you, desperate for some adult chat and to make friends? someone has to make the first move. I know, not easy, but it did get better once i'd made the first contact.

And remember you are doing the most worthwhile "job" in the world, loving and raising your child!

Thank you all for replying to me - so nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I had MW check iron levels last week - apparently they were good, but am taking supplements (preg vits & also iron) and have a healthy diet.

It takes me 2 hours to get ready and out of the house in the morning, and I can just see no end to it.

I used to be a very proactive person, but now....? I feel so blocked - I just can't get a job in this area (poor job market) which will pay enough for childcare, and couldn't bear to work at home as it's stressful and isolating in itself(have done it pre-baby) as I'm desperate to get out.

I see work as the solution - it would be productive, I'd get out of the house, and would have adult company.

Considering a postgrad part time - but with this lack of energy, how would I cope with studying? I'm virtually having a breakdown about not having sent Xmas cards...

I would also suggest the NCT, I found them a lifeline when I moved to a new area. They take turn to meet in each other's houses and so the can't ignore you! The host for the morning has to answer the door to start with and take you under her wing and introduce you. In a hall with a big group it is very easy for noone to take any responsibility for new comers.

What are your hobbies and interests? What did you enjoy pre-children?

I wouldn't focus on coffee mornings or toddler groups because it can be awkward to strike up conversation if you don't know anyone and are feeling low. It can reinforce low self esteem, rather than lifting you out.

Find a place you can do something and then chatting with people will follow. Join a church and get involved, volunteer, etc. Many gyms have creches and low impact exercises for Mums. Go swimming. Take a meditation class.

I find getting committed to something that forces me onto a schedule is best of all for feeling isolated/low. If I must get moving, I do. And before I know it, I am doing it because my motivation and energy has returned.

There are lots of us mums out there that aren't baby mad, and age isn't everything when it comes to making a connection with someone...

I think I understand how you feel. I'm pretty isolated myself as have just moved to a new area and have 5 week old triplets. Just keep getting out there and finding new people whenevEr you feel up to it.

Sod the xmas cards and enrol in something you always fancied doing...the OU gives v generous deadlines.

I completely know how you feel. No really, I do. I suspect you have no energy because you're depressed, TBH.

There are some good ideas here about exercise, especially swimming- I really find that is good for the soul. I assume also that you have a really healthy diet, as if that's crap then you'll feel tired. But often tiredness goes with pregnancy, doesn't it? I was totally whacked.

You say you really miss your old friends. Might be a bit radical, but how far away are they? Can you go and stay with them with your toddler for a couple of days in the middle of the week? Or can DH look after your toddler while you have a girlie weekend away?- recharge your batteries.

When it comes to babysitting, can you offer to do swaps with someone else, to save cash? Then you can get out in the evening. Most people are too shy to ask, but pleased at the opportunity.

Now is a perfect time of year to have an excuse to invite people you don't know very well round for mince pies. Have you invited your neighbours around ever, for example? And don't give up on the other mums, it's like dating, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. I have probably met about fifty local mums and only one or two do I actually really click with, and none yet know me well enough to remember my birthday etc.- not like "real" friends. Maybe try not to write people off totally.

You say you want something productive, where you get out of the house, and would have adult company. If you can't get work, any volunteering possibilities? There was another thread recently about what kind of volunteering can be done where you take your LO along. I volunteer for a parent-baby organisation. It gives me an excuse to do things with databases and organising things, which is what I desperately miss. (Databases! How low have I sunk!). Also do you live near a university at all, which might have short courses (even at the weekend) in things you are interested in? Not a big commitment to a masters, but something bite size.

Hope this helps.

Could you consider being a homestart volunteer;they train you on a 8 session course,pay petrol and other expenses and have a friendly ethos visiting families once a week to support them.They also give further training and provide support.

I think I will go swimming in the evening - can get DP to babysit, that way he'll feel he's doing something to let me go out. Sadly none of the gyms in my area have creches - I've already emailed to check. Swimming probably best exercise for me at the moment tho - and cheaper than gym membership (does anyone use it fully? I doubt it)

I think DP is very worried about me, I'm losing all sense of perspective at the mo TBH. My energy levels have been so poor lately that I've been housebound, and even bedbound which isn't helping my mood.

I think my crappy mindset would rule me out of doing any volunteering with people - but I'd like to do something using my old skills, office work or something.

I have applied for a volunteering posts but as I need childcare it sadly hasn't worked out. Can't face doing work at home as I'm already swamped with paperwork and can see it being just something else to get upset and overwhelmed about.

I must sort this. I can't continue to sink - any more suggestions welcomed!

How hard is OU? I'm rather afraid of doing it cos it's effing pricey and I'm thick as shit due to fear of failure as I'm struggling to organise anything day to day really. If I can't sort out laundry what hope have I of organising study time?

I do often travel to visit friends & family, but my lack of energy has ruled that out for the time being - which also isn't helping. When I get to see my old muckers, I do feel revived, it's great.

I will look for the thread re volunteering with kids - would be great to have something to go out to, give me a sense of direction and purpose.

Swimming sounds like a bloody good start. Let us know how you get on.

This was the thread about volunteering.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=_chat&threadid=663226-Are-there-any-volunteering-opportunities-out-ther e-where-you-can#13486974

You could try and bump it. Also could you try timebank- I have never used them but I guess that would be where I would start.

I really feel that your idea about putting your 17 month old in nursery to get some "me" time might really save you. My DD goes to a CM once a week and it really really helps me.

You feel revived when you see "your old muckers"- sounds like your answer there unfortunately. Send out an SOS and get them to come to you? If you have any cash at all can you try to organise an outing to a health spa or similar?- as your Xmas present?

Don't rule yourself out of things yet.The homestart course is done one session a week over about 8 weeks which is just enough to be a start.
The staff get to know you well in that time and are positive ,nice people.You learn about networksof support for parents ,parenting difficulties,bit about child protection etc,they apply for a crb check for you and when its finished they match you to a family .It is entirely volutary and you can decide whether to take on a family or not and are helped every step of the way by the project staff.
They keep hours within school time and are very flexible.On my course there were people taking part for varied reasons,eg to get out the house,and some had a history of depression which gave them a good understanding of mums with pnd for example.