I feel lonely, isolated and don't know what I can do about it.

[WhatNextWhatNow]

Please can someone help? I feel very depressed. I cry daily, and am very lonely and isolated after moving to a new town where DP's job is based) 18 months ago.

I make an effort - I go to toddler groups 4 times a week but find it hard as I'm so unbearably exhausted. I used to go to baby groups, but I dreaded them and ended up stopping going (on HV's advice) and have recently restarted going out - toddler age now tho.

I have little in common with other mums due to the age gap (I am 40) and the fact that I was never a baby person before becoming a mum.

I have been looking for a job since I moved to the area, but I have only been able to find 4 jobs to apply for and have been unsuccessful gaining interviews.

I am desperate to work, so I can get some adult contact, and use my brain. I feel totally deskilled, and am now worried that regardless of what type of job I get I am so severely lacking in confidence and energy that I would be unable to cope.

My old career has gone and I need to retrain, but find it hard to commit to anything - I've just lost so much interest and confidence. I've even been applying for voluntary jobs - and not even getting them! It's so soul destroying.

My self confidence is at rock bottom. DP is lovely, but what can he do? I'm alone all day and my only outlet is going to the supermarket.

I desperately miss my old friends, but they've all moved on, moved away, and due to geography / babysitting issues I can't see them.

I've thought about putting my 17 month old DS to nursery 1 or 2 mornings a week so I can get a break - but what would I do with the time?

I am currently preg (29 wks) and getting more and more despondent.

On top of this I suffer from chronic tiredness (brought on by stressful job, long hours, bullying) 6 or 7 years ago.

Sadly I feel that being a SAHM has many similarities to being long term unemployed - no salary, no sense of worth, losing contact with the outside world, losing job skills / personal skills etc etc.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel it seems.

Please help!!!

Swimming is a good idea. Maybe see if your local pool has some evening water aerobics/fitness classes? I've found that a scheduled class can often motivate me to go/do at a certain time. If I'm feeling low, the class time gives me something to aim for. Otherwise, it is just too easy to say 'I don't feel like it' and procrastinate. Also, a class means you'll see some of the same people regularly so there can eventually be a social aspect.

You say you don't see friends and family due to lack of energy. Again - why not make a plan/schedule? I find that a commitment motivates me, and causes me to 'find' the energy I need. Maybe invite them over to yours so that you don't have to make the effort to go out. Also, perhaps it will make you less likely to cancel.

If there are big projects to be done, I find it much more motivating/enjoyable to do them with someone. Recently a friend came over and we spent an hour moving boxes into the loft. They had been sitting in a corner for months, but I had avoided doing anything about them. My pal and I had a laugh, a cup of tea and a chat. Working together with someone is much nicer. You have a dp, so set yourselves a task that needs tackling. You'll both feel much better when it's done.

Finally, start with doing something small. I sometimes feel paralysed when I have a huge list of things to do - the sheer volume can be overwhelming...especially if you add guilt/anxiety on top. I have found it helps tremendously if I start small and slow. Rather than 'I really must sort out a filing system for the mountain of household paperwork', I might say 'I'm going to spend 10 minutes this morning and 10 minutes this afternoon organising the household paperwork'. That doesn't sound nearly as daunting, and the sense of accomplishment that comes with slowly chipping away at a big project is motivating.

You know all your own tricks for avoidance/delay/procrastination/inaction etc. So think of strategies that will nudge you into getting started and allow you to succeed.

Avoidance/delay/procrastination/inaction...

Oh god I'm so guilty! Apart from a boot up the jacksie, what is the cure for it!

Even the idea of cutting stuff up into small tasks or bites just gets impossible sometimes.

I'm writing Xmas cards now, missed the last post days ago and it's 1am

At least I'm doing it tho. Except that I'm here on this - need PC on so I can read my address list

don't take st jonh's wort if you're pregnant! Nothing really you can take, natural or otherwise except a couple of anti-depressants (should you want to go that route).
I think you've got a lot on yr plate and should stop beating yourself up about it - pg, isolated, missing work, not sleeping, each one a reason in itself!
Another route could be to join an antenatal swim/yoga group, double-benefit of exercise and meeting other mums - ours used to all meet up for coffee afterwards and got to know some lovely mums that way.

Check to see if your local library does any story reading/activities for little ones.

Find out if local gyms/health clubs have any activity classes for toddlers (something along the lines of Tumbletots).

Many church halls are used by local people who run children's music classes.

Many churches have playgroups you can sign up for.

All of the things above would give you a reason to get out of the house, and a place to go each week at a specific time. You'll see the same people, and eventually perhaps find someone nice to chat to. Spend some time asking around/doing research, and you might be surprised at what is available.

Remember too - there are likely some Mums who are struggling with the huge change in their lives too. Not everyone sails through early Motherhood without a glitch. Maybe they are as desperate to find someone to talk to as you are!

Happy Holidays, and let us know how you get on.

Bumping to see how you're doing....

Thank you all for helping me, it's very much appreciated

Been out visiting family etc, stressy but I certainly feel the benefit of going into the Outside World.

I realise that a lost of my malaise is caused by being home alone, and not really having any direction as to what I would be better off doing when I go out. I am rather aimless sadly, and need a Big Project to keep me going.

I feel exhausted by isolation, I'm gregarious by nature and need some stimulation

I think I need to find a project to get my teeth into - but of course I need to work out what that is?

I will take St John's Wort after baby arrives tho, I think it does sound beneficial. Is it safe to take when breastfeeding?

Earlybird - I agree that doing things with someone is a fantastic motivator. Finding people to do things with is what I find hard tho, as I'm not really from round here and don't find I click with many people from toddler groups etc.

Think study may be the answer, but still kinda thinking about it...

Has your thyroid had been checked? Always good to rule that out as poss cause of tiredness and low mood.

Hi there WNWN. I haven't been on mumsnet in ages & I was just having a quick browse. I saw your posts and it reminded me so much of one of my bleakest hours. I just want to tell you two things:

1. Re: post-grad course or similar, GO FOR IT. I started a part-time MA when ds2 was only 6 months old and I think it may have saved my life. Exercise helped too, but using my brain again and meeting people with similar interests was a real life-saver. In fact, there is a mum on my course who has 2 boys that are a little older than mine and we get on like a house on fire.

1. Things change. Your children will grow to be less dependent on you in time, and you will find your feet in the new place you live (believe me, it has taken me such a long time to say this, as I never thought I would feel settled the UK, let alone where I currently live).

I truly wish you the best.