As someone in a similar situation, you have my heartfelt sympathies.
I think you need to be kind to yourself.
You might be well advised to talk to a doctor and consider AD's to manage the anxiety you feel, and maybe give yourself a bit of a break. I think the eating thing is a control issue, not in the sense that you are a control freak, but that maybe you have not got control of other areas of your life.
I have similar feelings about food at times and have sat in front of food with a dry mouth forcing myself to eat evey mouthful simply because I have children, and they were my best reason to eat.
I try, and it has been hard, to turn the negative into positve, and use the emotions to do something positive with my life....creating things, taking up a sport (can be difficult with time issues), give yourself some sort of challenge and every time it feels bad, try to focus yourself on achieving something. Try and use the way he makes you feel to inspire another area of your life. It does not stop it from hurting, but gives the pain a different energy.
I can not tell you it will go away,
simply that you can take a little control of your life and not feel quite so helpless.
The thought of you hurting yourself makes me very sad, and whilst I believe it is some peoples way of dealing with things, hope you can find a friend to talk you through this. This can be where some kind of physical challenge can be beneficial, maybe at the least, very fast walking.
I am sure there are many people who care about you and hope you find solace in someones counsel. Please try to get some level of help from somewhere before you make yourself poorly. I know you say you are limited to when you can be on hewre in this guise, but i will keep an eye on your thread and can always offer a sympathetic shoulder.
Please accept {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}