Think I'm depressed after returning to full time work

[BouncingTurtle]

I was assessed for PND couple of months after DS was born as I felt really stressed and tearful, was having problems with coping with ds crying lots and other things. I was on weekly visit from my lovely HV, but started feeling better.
However have been feeling very down since returning to work, at first put it down to the adjustment of going from being a SAHM back to full time employment, but still feeling down.
Some days I feel ok, but some days I feel horrible, really emotional, not able to deal with any kind of conflict or criticism without dissolving into tears. I have been having panic attacks driving to and from work and some times at work as well.
I've spoken to my boss as well and I think he thinks I'm not performing as expected, my job is quite stressful and will not be getting any easier - it'll be getting more so as we come under closer scrutiny from various external agencies, plus I have more staff to be responsible for. He is quite concerned about me and I know he has always rated me very highly.
I've made some mistakes in my work due to not being able concentrate properly as well as I find I cannot focus properly on the job.
Some of this is due to the fact my son is in full time nursery and I feel terrible about this - I know he is absolutely fine and loves it but I am missing him so much
Plus the long drive and nursery pick up causes me stress as well, I am doing a 70 mile round trip every day through some very busy traffic and I'm terrified of getting in an accident as I have to go through a notorious accident black spot every day during rush hour. I've always loved driving and have been a confident & careful driver, but there are days when I'm almost scared to get behind the wheel of my car.
I know one solution is to find a job nearer to home, with fewer hours but I am also feeling very down and under confident about myself. But I'm also worried about money issues, if I stop working or go part time we have to ensure that we still have enough money to pay the bills - and we are down to the essentials - we've never had or wanted sky, very few nights out due to lack of family/friends to do childcare, only holiday is to Spain to visit my dad and rest of his side of the family.
I've been told that my job is full time so they won't let me work part time (been through the flexible working request procedure).
Sorry this has turned a bit rambly and thanks for reading.
Just wanted some help/advice/opinions from people who have been in a similar situation.
TIA

you need to go back to your gp, bt. The inability to cope was one of my biggest issues and the panic attacks don't sound good. 6 weeks on ads and I feel back to normal. Work is still stressful, but I am now able to deal withit proactively without feeling the panic rise.

I've got an appointment booked, but it isn't until a week on tuesday - next week is fully booked up, probably of old dears getting their chilblains looked at

Hi BT
I really feel for you I felt like this after my first - I was working full time long hours stressful job!
I felt awful really not coping at all - I did eventually have a course of antidepressants and they did help a lot.....but for me the underlying problem was the working hours and commute and nursery pick ups (and I totally get the stress of getting to nursery on time) - life just seemed a never ending grind and I didnt enjoy my DD1 as much as I had expected
I am afraid that the only thing that really made a change to my life was a change of jobs (I think a bit easier for me I moved from being a hospital doc to a GP which was much more flexible and family friendly)..
So first off see your GP get those meds and start to feel like you can cope with day to day life (one day at a time)...and then look at the bigger picture once you are feeling better and see if there is any way you can change ...
Thoughts

BT, from all your posts, it sounds to me like you are a very professional person and your boss rates you very highly. I know it is awful going back to work with your little one away from you, but as you said yourself, he is absolutely fine. I'm glad you have made the appointment to see the doctor because from what I can see this is classic depression and you need help to be able to see things clearly and function again. I know people close to me who have suffered with depression and you will need help to get out of the black hole and be yourself again. Don't blame yourself, try not to worry and realise that it is an illness and with the correct treatment it will pass.

And I second what Macdoodle said.

I could have written your post OP.Is excatly my situation.
I feel dreadful every morning when I wake up and have been really physcially ill lately too (stomach problems) which I think is being caused by the fact im so miserable and stressed out about work.Most mornings the commute is spent sobbing in my car.Some days I just feel I cannot face going in.I miss the kids so much and yet when I am home with them I am exhausted and not the Mother I want to be.(Though I feel much better on days off)

I am trying to get up the courage to go to my GP.But I am worried that it will be seen really negatively at work if I for exampe get signed off with stress.And also that by going I will be finally admitting failure.And im not sure I would recover from that iyswim.I have always been a 'coper'.Thats part of who I am.I am scared rigid of not being that person anymore.

Hi BT, i was similar to you when i went back to work full time after ds2, i went back when ds was 11 weeks old(due to maternity pay ending at 10 weeks and couldnt afford to live on SMP) i was travelling 100 miles round trip everyday, and not ready to go back, ended up in tears most days and couldnt concentrate or do my job properly.

Eventually i went to my gp who diagnosed me with PNA and prescribed AD's and signed me off for 4 weeks, then signed me off for another 4 weeks after that, it did me the world of good, i when back to work when i felt i could cope and havent looked back since

Is is possible for you to cut your hours to PT? or take some sick leave and get yourself well again?

It does/will get better i promise

Thanks Macd & Wizz for your comments, makes me feel not quite so alone. I think you are right in that I need to look for another job.

GreatScootini - you sound exactly like me, especially the bit about 'being a coper'.
There has been people (men and women) off with stress in this company, some of them have been viewd with sympathy, some less so. It doesn't seem to be gender biased though, fortunately.

My boss has suggested they could look at paying me off - letting me work until xmas but paying me my 3months notice, if I do want to leave.

So if you get put on anti depressants can that help even if your situation doesnt change? (because I cant change jobs at the moment)
Also do they help if there are tangible reasons for being depressed, (like work stress.We also moved house last year and Im really unhappy where we are)I always thought that AD's wouldnt help me because they wont change my actual issues iyswim?

They helped me because it was my state of mind that was causing me stress and not being able to cope with job and baby etc, in my normal state of mind i would have been able to cope, i wouldnt normally burst into tears at the thought of going to work, or doing the weekly shop. I am fine now and my situation hasnt changed, just my state of mind iwkwim.

I never really thought of it like that before.
(its like a lightbulb moment.Thankyou VT)

I have always been good at my job/coped with stress fine etc.And my actual job and everything else is not much more stressful in itself that it has ever been.More the way im reacting to it that is the issue.
When I think of it I dont actually want to change jobs.(If I have to work, which I do for financial reasons then my job is what I want to do I think)But I do want to stop panicking about it and feel not so black all the time. (Today I actually feel better ish, but is my day off today as well as the weekend which always does help some)

My GP is very dismissive though.Which is the other reasone im delaying going.

Sorry OP.Feel like am hijacking your thread.

VinegarTinselTits (great xmas name) - part time is not possible in my current role but I am seriously considering taking sick leave. I would make the decision based on what my gp says.

Sick leave on the grounds of stress BT?

totally agree vinegartinseltits. I had a couple of sessions of counselling, too, which helped me vocalise some thoughts and they did not feel anywhere near so insurmountable when I had. My situation has not changed, but I feel things again and I can focus on now and the things I can control, not waste stress on the things I cannot control. I feel so much more positive as a result and have actually begun to enjoy and take proud in my work again.
When dd was up all night with the cold and I eventually took her into my bed last weekend, I did not see it as a burden, I saw it as a privilege. Quite a change. Please go to your gp scootini

pride not proud

Scootini - can you see a different gp?
Don't mind you hijacking at all!!

None of the other GP s in our area are registering at the moment and he is the only one at our practice.So its him or no one.I will have to bite the bullet I think and see him and hope for the best.

BT, sorry to see this. I have seen on your other threads that your DS is not sleeping very well. But you don't mention that in your post, maybe things are better now? It just occured to me that long term sleep deprivation really does lead to depression, inability to concentrate etc. It did for me and as soon as I managed to get a bit more kip I was feeling much better, not back to normal just more able to cope. I just wouldn't want you to patch yourself up with ADs/ jack in your job/ have in depth counselling/ spend ages worrying about nursery etc. if the issue is actually sleep.

(or maybe it is a mixture of things)

I know this is not very useful as I don't have a magic wand to make DS sleep (if I did I would be using it over here!) but at least it points you in a different direction for help?

Apologies if I have got completely the wrong end of the stick.

Domesticslatter - no need to apologise, sleep has something to do with it, but ds's sleep has improved quite a bit now, he is only waking 1-2 times a night (fingers crossed!!).
Think I'm going to leave if they are willing to let me finish at the end of the year and pay me my 3 months notice. Then I'll look for something I can do from home or another less stressful job!!

BT - I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I think it is a very good idea to stop work as you were already thinking of doing this, weren't you? If things get really bad between now and your GP appt, you could make an emergency appointment.
If you list off your worries - leaving DS in nursery, long commute, stressful job, lack of sleep, money worries - when you look at that long list, it is no wonder at all that it is getting you down. You have a lot to cope with and anyone finds it difficult, and a hundred times more so if you are also struggling with depression.
I hope your GP gives you the support you need and you can find a way to stop/chnage your current job. Get all the help you can and we are all here when you need to get it off your chest xx

Cheers Skid... and as things couldn't get worse, DH's car has died (luckily it's a company car) so we can't go to see our friends down in Sheffield as we were planning to today and it looks like DS might have conjunctivitis again!!
Starting to feel a migraine coming on (and I've been getting a few of those lately)

BT - I'm not sure I have much advice but maybe a talk to your HV if you are struggling to get GP app, I know a lot of them are crap but I have one good one in this area who came to see me when I left a message after having ds1 to say I wasn't coping, volicalising my worries to her made me realise I wasn't being pathetic about it and helped me work out what I needed to say to GP, the AD's helped me cope, I was at a stage where I would cry all day everyday and not want to get out of bed, AD's helped me get the clarity to deal with the big life decisions and work out what needed changing first and what was actually working just fine, I don't think I'd have had the emotional strength to do that without them.
I hope you get to talk to someone soon and work out what is the best solution for you and your family, don't get pushed into having AD's if you don't want them, I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable about them and maybe counselling would help itfi

big hugs x x

Cheers, Insy!

Hello BT. Don't know if I can contribute any useful advice but just wanted to offer some support as we "know" each other from the other thread.

Seeing your GP will be a big step forwards, maybe he/she can sign you off work for a while to give you some breathing space??

Can you change GP if the one you are with is not helpful ?

It's the pratice I would need to change, and tbh don't really want to do that.
Have had a long chat with Dh and my boss as well so need to think about what I want to do.