Can someone please help me make sense of everything?

[charchargabor]

I don't know where to start, as I'm not sure what I'm really feeling right now. I don't think I'm depressed but I definitely don't feel right.

I feel incompetent, like I'm not really cut out for this parenting lark. I feel I let DD down every day because I'm not enough and not what she deserves. I'm not patient enough and I don't think I do enough with her. She seems happy enough but she doesn't know any better. I used to put feeling like this down to being tired, but DD is sleeping a lot better now so it's obviously not that.

I have mentioned on another thread about feeling bad about the way I look. I am making efforts to change this, but still feel bad. I don't like going out as I feel like people are laughing at me. Rationally I know people aren't, but I can't help feeling like this. I just look like shit all the time and even if I make an effort I still look rubbish. I feel like I'm letting DD down as well by not keeping myself healthy.

Also, I found out that a service user I used to work with died from cancer in the early hours of this morning. He had suffered a lot so it was a blessed release for him, but I adored him and am really upset, as is DP who worked with him as well.

I don't know, I suppose this is just an outpouring of emotions. I just don't feel right in this world, like I'm not as good as everybody else and I can't function well enough. I don't think anyone else would think this about me but I do. DP is lovely and is very supportive, but I haven't discussed this with him as we've been too busy and he is stressed as well. Hope you don't mind me letting it all out here. Thanks if you got this far.

you should see your GP or HV

you might well benefit from medication

also, local homestart might be able to help and support you.

and perhaps arrange some NHS counselling via your gp?

you will be on the mend soon enough, but you need to take steps to get there

Hey I got 55 today .

Going out is a huge help I think - at least it means I'm not looking at all that undone housework. I hate clutter but we have a small house and 5 of us in it - I WANT TO DECLUTTER but it takes a while if you're going to be systematical - DH would not appreciate me just chucking the whole lot (although I'm tempted believe me!).

Are you still BF a lot (noticed you metnioned it in your profile). I know what that is like - DS is the same and I've been there with DD2. I think it drives you mad just sitting there looking at everythng that needs doing but not being able to do it. Plus, when you are down motivation is a major issue too isn't it?

I have a theory (as do some other MNetters as I've seen it mentioned before) that when you are feeling out of control, doing the houseowrk makes you feel more in control. For me I cannot control the DDs tantrums etc but I can clear the kitchen surfaces (temporarily). What do you think?

Have you ever tried ADs?

You're right lulumama. I'll be making a lot of phonecalls tomorrow! I hate reaching out, but I suppose you've got to do it sometimes.

I try to get out every day. There's a little park near my house so I try to take DD there everyday so we don't get cabin fever. It does help a lot usually, today wasn't quite so successful! I've managed to do the dishes, make tea and tidy the living room today which is quite good. There's still a lot of clutter but I'm trying to ignore it! It took me til 3 to get motivated enough to even start, I seem to end up spending most of the day on the couch. Might try doing a bit of cleaning when everything gets on top of me. The house would appreciate it at least.

I've been on ADs a few times. Citalopram last time. I struggle to remember to take them which doesn't really help. And my parents have always made a big stigma around taking pills for depression so I struggle to get past that.

Would you give the Citalopram another go?

I don't think it would help on it's own but I wonder if it might give you some respite and help you get on top of things and get some help in place (sort of breaking the cycle for you)

I don't know. Last time it did help to break the cycle, but I hate taking them so much. Suppose needs must I hate being like this. And I hate sounding so pathetic whenever I say anything. I'm normally quite happy and comfortable in my life, but I just feel totally wrong. And DP has told me he thinks he is depressed as well. It's great that we're honest and open but now I feel like I need to look after him more than me, and I don't think I can deal with the pressure. I just want to go to bed and not get up again.

Forgot to say before, DD has cut down to 4-5 bfs a day but still has about 4 in the night as well.

You don't sound pathetic - it's just the way you think you sound. There are loads of threads on here with people feeling the same / saying the same things...probably written by some very articulate, intelligent and able people (I'm not one of them though - brain dead )

DH will have to sort himself out - point him in the direction of the GP and let him get on with it. I don't see what else you can be expected to do for him other than what you would normally do as his wife IYSWIM. I know that sounds a bit harsh but that is what I was advised to do by my HV and psych when I was presented with the same problem - I think they were right.

You need to come first because without you have to look after your DD. If you get yourself sorted you'll be better placed to help everyone else.

tbh I'm just repeating here what my Psych and HV have advised me to do...

Sorry about the awful typos - DS is latched on permanently and DH is discussing aviational history with me while I'm typing(my multi-tasking skills aren't too hot atm I'm afraid)

I just feel like all I'm am doing is complaining and I'm usually so strong. DP doesn't expect me to support him at all, in fact he would rather support me. He tends not to go to the doctors and just work himself out of it. It's more that I feel like I need to support him. I prefer looking after people than looking after me, it's a lot easier. You speak a lot of sense BBM, I'm glad you saw my thread.

• no one ever says that about me! I deeply suspect I speak a load of twaddle most of the time - I know what I want to say but it never seems to come out right .

I'm really glad to read your DH is OK to hopefully find some help for himself. Obviously you are going to help him too but it's nice to know he won't be trying to rely solely on you while you have all this to cope with too.

I know what you mean though, I much prefer to be helping others rather than myself - I wonder why?

So what's the plan for tomorrow then? Do you think you'll contact your GP or HV - small steps go a long way I think.

Blardy DD is weird tonight. She woke up once because she was too hot but went back to sleep. Now she's up again and was really upset, so I've just brought her down as I couldn't be doing with the faff. She's had a feed and is reluctantly drifting off now. I think I'll start with the HV tbh, see if I can get some help there before I go the GP route. I've got DD's playgroup tomorrow as well so I can speak to one of the leaders then.

If you feel like some bedtime reading I'm the OP here I got some good advice and perspective when I needed it - I just had had enough and ranted on 'chat' - thank goodness for MN .

xpost (as always with me!)

Sounds like a good plan to me..... IME silly RL does it's best to foul up any sign of a plan to improve things so if you don't get everything done don't beat yourself up about it.

What do you think is up with your DD? Bad dream?

Just read your thread, I can remember reading it when you posted it but I had no wisdom to offer! It doesn't sound all that different to this thread I suppose, good to know I'll be able to get out of this fog a bit and help someone else.

xpost back atcha! God knows what wrong with the child. Her sleep was getting better over the last few nights but here we are back at square one. Could be teething or a bad dream. She's asleep now though so I'm going to take her up in a sec and hopefully she'll stay asleep.

Hope she does stay asleep - sleep deprivation makes everything feel so much worse I think. It is beyond me how my DD2 can be up most of the night and still have enough energy to wreak havoc all day too!

I have to go to bed myself now or I won't get to sleep at all. Hope your DH gets home soon and you have a better day tomorrow. I'll no doubt be back here tomorrow so I'll popo by and see how you got on.

Was nice to chat

Was nice to chat to you too, hope you sleep well.

Got a referral form for Homestart today but I don't know how useful it will be. Seems to be all about managing finances and help with parenting, which isn't really what I need. I just need someone to talk to I think. I planned to ring the HV but I got scared. I'm worried about what they'll think of me and what they'll write down. I know that's stupid.

No I can understad your concern about the HV - I was very worried about that sort of thing in my situation but I had nowhere else to turn so in the end I made the call. Took a while for me to build up trust again to let her know how bad things were but it paid off.

Do you think you might feel like phoning tomorrow?

I have no experience of Homestart other than I have had it recommended to me by others who said it would help a lot. Like you say, the practical stuff is not the problem - it's the emotional stuff you need support with right? I think they offer that too - no harm in finding out I guess but U can understand if you are thinking it might now be right for you that will put you off to start with....

How has your days been? My DS is very colicky tonight so I may disappear very soon....

I'm not really as illiterate as my post makes me sound - honest

Hi BBM. Sorry DS isn't doing to well tonight, I hope he settles down soon for you. I think I'll try and phone the HV tomorrow. Really need to get it done because I need to get some support in place.

I'm going to give the Homestart thing a go. The woman I spoke to was talking about routines and changing them around to make me happier, and I just wanted to scream you're not getting it, all of that stuff is fine it's just that I'm desperately unhappy. She is lovely though so I'll let her off. Have requested that I only get someone I know and she is going to try and sort it out for me. If they can't then I probably won't use it because I find it hard enough to open up to someone I know. That's why I'm lucky there's MN because it's easier to write it down.

My day hasn't been so bad. Well the morning was a bit rubbish, the gas ran out so I had to have an icy cold bath, then I got IDed for ciggies, then I realised that the dentist appointment I thought was today was actually last Friday. But the afternoon was better. How was your day? By the way, I didn't think you sounded illiterate at all!

MN is good for sounding things out first I think. Sometimes it's all you need - a rant outside of RL (until someone comes in and tells you are an awful parent etc etc!).

I've spent a lovely morning with DD2 and DS but once DD1 got home at midday from school all hell broke loose. I end up shouting WAY more than I want to be and it achieves nothing. Don't know what else to try really, nothing works. They are only young though so how can I expect reasoning etc to work? DS has just gone back to sleep but is obviously very (Silently) reluxy tonight and keeps waking up. DD2 has just woken too ARGH!

Glad you spoke to a nice person at homestart - the slightest thing seems to put me off when I embark on getting support. I hate opening up too - I never do tbh. Loads of people think I am very open and frank but they have no idea - only my psych knew what was really going on.

I have to say I'm really impressed you gave done so much today and plan to phone the HV tomorrow - I hope that works out well..

I hope I am being of some kind of help to you and not just moaning on about me stuff

It is tough the more children are around I think. I have a 4 year old DSD and when she's around they spur each other on and drive me batty! I always seem to lose all my patience despite all my good intentions. It makes me annoyed with myself tbh. So sympathies to you, I don't know how I'd manage with 3! Poor DS with reflux, hope he settles a bit, and DD2 as well. It's so hard when they all play up isn't it, especially at night. You just want them to sleep so you can have a rest. DD's been surprisingly good tonight went down at 8ish and hasn't woken up yet. She's slowly getting better at night but it's one step forward and three steps back iyswim.

I'm also put off by any tiny issue when asking for support. It's like I'm so reluctant anyway that any excuse to avoid it I jump at. Am trying to ignore those feelings atm though.

Really haven't done much today The house is still a tip and I've been sat down for most of the day. Did get out to my baby group though which was nice.

You are very helpful, it's nice to hear about your life too. It makes me feel like I'm not just putting my stuff on you all the time. And we've got to support each other, haven't we?

We have

I'm off to bed with DS now - he seems more settled so I think we can risk going horizontal now plus I am shattered

Will catch up with you tomorrow if you like. Hope you get to phone the HV.

For the record....I did some laundry and cleaned the conservatory today - DD2 (in less than a minute) threw the conservatory chair cushions on the floor and trampled all over them with muddy shoes then located the pond fish food, emptied my clean folded laundry on the floor, trampled on that and sprinkled fish food all over it - you have to laugh really don't you? She's soooo cute but I made her lift the cushions back onto the chair while I stood there all grumpy and shouty - she's only 2.5. I'm a complete git. Plan to be better tomorrow - I've been reading some old threads on here for inspiration!

DD2 is crying again ARGH......

good luck for tomorrow. Hope you have a good day!

Got stuck on the phone to my dad sorry! I'll update tomorrow about if I braved the HV She is lovely so hopefully she isn't avoiding me and I'll get to speak to her a bit.

At least you got some stuff done, even if DD2 did undo it all! DD's always doing things like that, she likes to pull all the laundry down just after I've folded it - drives me mad! We can't be perfect all the time, planning to be better is the start.

Hope the children and you get a decent sleep, and that tomorrow goes well.