my mother and baby group :-(

[dejags]

I went this morning and feel so crappy now. Really I don't know why I bother

My DS2 is a big bonny baby, he has reflux and he is quite advanced i.e. rolled backward and forward confidently by 3 months old. He is not breastfed because I have had a breast reduction.

This morning I have had to endure:

Wow bet you won't manage this exercise (lifting your baby above your head) - he is just TOO fat!

If you breastfed your baby he wouldn't be so fat and you would lose weight quicker

What are you feeding that child, he is HUGE!!

Why are some mums so smug that they feel they get it all perfect all the time? A few in particular go on an on about how they breastfeed with no problems, have an angel baby who sleeps through the night and who is the perfect weight and doesn't have reflux. They look at me as if they feel sorry for me and it makes me so bloody sad and angry at the same time .

Sorry to rant I just need to get it off my chest.

Oh and to add insult to injury after sitting through all the comments we were forced to endure a Tupperware demonstration during the free time (probably a good thing as I may have got snippy with one of the perfect mums).

Too right, Gwenick. I couldn't bf dd b/c I needed serious medication for postpartum infection and PND. It make not a jot of difference. I was back down to my pre-preggo weight in 2 months. In my case it's genetic, my mother is a slight person and so am I. It's just luck.

Nipple nazis REALLY get my goat, b/c they make comments and have NO idea or sensitivity for the person listening to them. Those comments are like kicking a person who's already on the ground for a mother w/PND to hear.

I agree w/lockets, by all means go back and if it's still like that, find another group.

I must add though - that the toddler group I've been attending since before I fell pg with DS2 was fantastic, not one 'negative' comment about bottlefeeding, in fact no comments at all - apart from 'so how much does he drink then' and 'I guess he enjoys his milk' (the latter not said about his size - although he is a big boy, but rather when he polishes off a 9oz bottle in 5 minutes )

Hi there Djags.

I have a gorgeous chunky 19 mth DS (2.5 stone wearing 2-3 yr tops) who is happy, social and just ace. I constantly feel the need to justify that his diet is good and he's just big. He is bigger than all but 2 of the members of our toddler group and he's about 12 mths younger than them. Don't feel bad about it, though it is easy done, I'm always seeking advice from the other mums that all is OK and as one of them said."if he was littler than the others you'd worry too, you're just blessed with a big healthy baby." I keep saying he'll be a great RFU player!

I have also experienced some terrible back biting and bitching at another toddler group and it is awful. Seems some factions broke out in the original group and those of us who weren't playing were singled out. It's the "he said, she said" crowd and the "considerably richer than youse" mentality. It is really very disheartening to be victimised. I haven't experienced this level of bullying since primary school.

Last month the ring leader wound a mum up to confront me and suggest I was a bad mum, raising my child badly. Ironically her DD had shoved DS down a flight of steps a month before but that was my fault it seem (?) I'm battling depression, have MS and low self esteem and I was amazed at how calmly and rationally I handled it. I said it was politics with a small p, like pathetic. I had enough going on in my life and wasn't putting up with this. Then I made excuses and left. I haven't been back since but DS had outgrown that group anyway. Good news is we are missed.

The mums at the original group have been so supportive, we've all had a bit of the treatment TBH and I know that I AM NOT TO BLAME.

It is terrible when you're experiencing it, you just have to remember you are doing your upmost with your child and it's non of their damn business.

As a 1st time mum I have noticed at this point you will make some of the best friends you will have in your life. Sadly, you will also encounter some of the worst examples of petty mindedness. Just make sure that you hang on tight to the first and the second variety will simple vanish.

Rise above it. You are worthwhile and good.

thanks everybody. I feel a little better now and will just ignore what was said to me.

I find it weird that nobody singles out the girl who has a really, really slender little boy, as if because Tate is obviously happy and healthy he is "fair game".

DH says even though on the inside I am one of the worlds least secure people, strangers often see me as really confident and self-assured and that this may have something to do with it.

DS is 25weeks and weighs 25lbs(ish), he is stretching 6-12 month clothing so is a very big lad. I am so tired of telling people that his brother was the same and is now skinny and tall. Unbelievably this is a group of second time mothers - I really would have thought that they would know better.

Not worth the tears I know. Thanks for your support

Mummymonster - that's terrible, I can't believe that they would actually gang up and behave like a bunch of schoolkids like that on your behalf.

I sometimes wonder if mums can sense a weak one in the pack and pick on them (sounds bizarre but I have seen it happen so often). I know this contradicts my DH's opinion about me being selfassured.

People are so arrogant - you did really well to rise above it MM

These people feel that because they've read it in a book it gives them the right to say it. The sad thing is that these bitchy, gosspy types think nothing of turning on their own pack so the bullier may well become the bullied in time. I really feel angry on your behalf.

dejags, i was getting bullied at my m & t group too and i havent been for 3 mths now. dont let them bother you, you dont need them. i feel so much better now i havent been for ages. now if i bump into them in the street they are all nicey-nicey, just wanting a bit of gossip, like why i havent been, so they can go and stir it up at toddlers.

you dont need them. if i was you i wouldnt go back

my baby is my pride and joy - I feel so angry and sad that others think he isn't good enough. I just can't shake this feeling today.

He is so sweet and happy and they slate him for being fat and make insinuations that I am a bad mum.

I am never going back.

hooray for dejags.

you are a lovely mum

good on you dejags, fk the lot of them. i did that and feel better.

who needs people like that? you and your fab wee boy dont need grief like that, you need happy times, having fun and with each other.

sorry if i am swearing, i had a bad time too and know how you feel

big massive hugs

i kept reading this thread ..and couldnt post cos it was just too like waht i felt .

im so glad you have decided to not go back..thats what the hooray was for.

Oh dejags, this is so unfair and I am so sorry to hear it. Why are women like this? There seems to be thread after thread about nasty m&t groups (not implying you shouldn't have started this one, btw, just sad that you had to). I really despair of my own sex sometimes.

I am sure your ds is absolutely flippin' gorgeous. Babies are meant to be chubby, anyway! All this bitching and nastiness comes from insecurity about their own choices and their own 'precious darlings'. I would say go back in there and hold your head up but have to admit that I would probably not want to go back either. {angry] and on your behalf - give your ds a big squeeze and a kiss, too.

Dejags

That's me all over, very confident exterior but fragile inside. Ed is also very friendly and confidentand I think TBH it frightens them. They think we have it all and that scares them. They had to wait til I was alone to do it.

Big group hugs to all of us

im constantly being told what a HUGE baby girl i have {28lbs at 9 months} not only by complete strangers in the street but the hv aswell. my dd is going to be tall, shes happy, healthy and very cute. just keep looking at your. ds and reminding yourself that you are doing a bloody good job.

idiots dejags. And mark my words those with 'angel' babies will get their comeuppance when they try to deal with stroppy toddlers MMMWWWHHAAAAA

how RUDE some people are though. Just completely blank them when they say something like that and turn away. I'm sure OO is right - there's bound to be a couple of normal ones.

I am sitting with my gorgeous DS on my knee as I type.

Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts everybody - I really do appreciate your input.

really reminds me of my experience - ds wouldn't bf, he was small at birth and I was treated like I was starving him rather than giving him what he needed (my nipples 24/7 allegedly). The good news is that you'll get over it because you'll see your little one growing and learning and loving without being criticised by strangers.

have to say I'd have flipped at the Tupperware - was this a Stepford Wives baby group??

Can;t believe these mothers are so rude! I have been so lucky with most of the mums I have met - how dare they call your baby fat! My little boy was only 6lb 5oz when he was born and made up for it and became a very big boy with a big round face! He is now 18 months and since walking has lost all his puppy fat (I think my mum used to wonder what I fed him!!) These mothers aren't worth being around!! And DON'T feel guilty about not breastfeeding!!!! It is not for everyone and you shouldn't need to feel that you need to make excuses - maybe if you say that you aren't allowed to medically it may shut them up or embarrass them enough that they will shut their mouths. I am getting more and more annoyed as I type this so had better sign off! Keep your chin up and enjoy your beautiful boy!!

dejags, i really feel for you. I have experinced a simular thing, My DD is the smallest in our group and one of the mums is constantly saying to her 'does mummy not feed you, your a frail little thing, glad my son isn't like you' and it really got to me that i now don't see this mum as she was upsetting me.

My advice to you is to not go again if its upsetting you, DS wouldn't like to see mum upset. There as nice mums out there, and i am sure we will find some soon x

I can't believe how many nasty people there are in the world out there, yet here on MN everyone is soooo lovely
I haven't experienced any harsh comments myself but I do lack confidence to go to our m/t group because of cliquey women...... now I think I might shop around for a different one....

My poor experience of a local M&T group convinced me I had to go back to work and be again amongst people who have other things to focus on.

Ahhh...the joys of a mother and baby group. Some are great....others are worth steering well clear of. Our local one, which I went to once, is full of cliques, and run by women who used to have glittering careers (apparently) and who have transferred all their energy and skills in running businesses etc to 'managing' the mother and baby group. It's fascinating to watch the power struggles, but not good for your mental wellbeing!
You're not alone - I hope you find a better one soon, and then you can tell them to stick their Tupperware where the sun don't shine!

A few things:
Not all toddler groups are the same, try a different one
Some women are just stupid and rude
DSs were both bf and 91st percentile in weight all the way so you do get fat bf babies and those women are talking out of their ar$es.

Next time, ask "Are you starving your baby?? He's so SMALL!!"

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