not depressed, but feeling a little crappy about myself and in need of a little 'something', and to offload stuff about my mother and aunt......

[psychomum5]

have spent the day with my aunt today. she hasn;t been like she can be (which is to put me down and make me so damn angry I need to get drunk after), but I have still some away with a face (according to DH and the children), so she has clearly got to me more than I like.

she had a stroke about a week or so agao. only a small one, but still, a stroke. problem is, my family do not speak to me anymore (they haven;t since I annouced I was expecting DS2), and so no-one told me, until it was remembered that no-one would be about for my mother! (she is schizophrenic and I have issues with her.....please note the issues!).

anyhooooooooooooooooo........today aunty had to be taken to the hospital near to me for testing on her vision, and so I offered (altho I did not feel as tho I had too much choice, but still, she is family so I feel I should). I spoke to her a lot more today than I have in a long time. she was quite complementary about me and the children, which is nice as I feel very intimidated by her normaly, but she then bought up something that she had read by Bill Oddie (goodies fame). seems he too is a product of a violent schizophrenic mother, and a 'controling' mother figure (his gran in his case), altho he did in fact have a wonderful father, something I did not), and my aunt finally says she can understand what I have been trying to say about my mother for so long.

she finally understands, only because Bill Oddie wrote about his experiances

.

why did she not understand just from me???

oh, and she also commented that she finally see;s that I am quite normal to feel how I do.......[hm]

no aunty, a lot of how I feel is becuase you never let me feel as tho it was ok to feel angry..........not just becuase of my mum, also because of you!!!!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sorry, a lot of you may not understand my garbledness.

thing is, I am also feeling rather careworn anyway. I am not sad about that (I am glad to be there for friends), but then, I need a lttle something and an outlet to vent too IYGWIM, so here I am.

plus, one this that scares me.........I read the extract of his book (published in the daily mail, aunty made me print it out for her, and so I read it). he notes about his breakdowns, and there is a small commment about how his doctor thinks he is surprised he did not breakdown lots growing up. i have terrors about me heading down that path too......it so scares me the thought of being like my mum, and reading it in print that it is likely (well, maybe not that wording, I think in my stu today I may be taking it wrong), scares me more.

help, and a big

a friedn of mine was repeatedly raped by her grandfather until she was about 15 when she got pregnant and it all came out. Her (supposedly mentally sound) mother wouldn't let her go to court for fear of what the neighbours would say and social worker agreed (to be fair at least for reasons slightly more sound) because they were concerned about putting her through a trial.

Actually I think that seeing him on trial would have been one of the few thigns that truly helped her.

Many years later when she and her then 4 year old daughter moved back to live with her mother (after her marriage broke up). She discovered that her mum had given her grandfather a key. Her mums explanation? "It was over years ago, whats all the fuss"

Can you imagine your fatehr impregnating your teenager and ever even speaking to him again never mind giving him unfettered access to your grand-daughter.

(His excuse btw was that my friend had been adopted so it was OK)

(for you too)

kew, that is utterly horrifying.

it is so astounding tho how many women tho (ie, the mums and aunts) actually know and turn a blind eye to it. it gives the perpetrators (sp??) 'permission' to carry on! vile.

mine wes never that bad. bad enough......and it caused damage, but it stopped when I was nine thro people believing me. sadly tho they figured that removing me from the situation would be enough, but I sometimes wonder, had he not been mentally ill himself, whther they would have done more to punish him. I will never know, and my aunts words kind of suggest that it would not have gone further. but the rage and anger on my part can never be given focus which is why I get days like these sometimes.

and I am so protective of my children too, which I wonder whether they will be angry for when they grow.....

anyhoooooooooooo.

for now, I carry on. I vent and rage here and to my friends and DH, and aunty still has no clue at how I really am or the damage she inflicted herself!!!

Matnan.......yup, tis certainly 'swept under the rug'. and yes, I can be rational.......I just sometimes am not.

still. am feeling better today. rational head on knowing that all the angst I feel towards her will not change her, so concentrate on me and mine. just wait till my next time of seeing her and I will be chomping at the bit again!!!

nonpsychomum - here is a protection trick that can help you next time you have to see the old battleaxe your dear aunty:

in your head, picture a greenhouse made all of glass. The glass is totally impregnable, it is bomb-proof, bullet-proof, shatterproof in every way. The greenhouse is proof against all manner of nasties, while still letting you breathe.

IN this greenhouse, see what you have - some plants maybe (what type are they? see the colours as vividly as you can), a comfy chair perhaps? (what is it like?) or maybe some books or magazines.

When you are about to face a situation that is likely to upset you, or sap your energy in any way, go into your greenhouse and close the door. Lock it if you need to. The greenhouse will become a shield around you and protect you from the energy leeches (or vampires) that are out there, trying to rob you of your happiness and energy. You can still see, hear, feel, breathe etc as normal BUT your vitals are protected and cannot be stolen by other people.

The greenhouse can only be for you - you can create separate ones for your kids but you can't have them in with you. The more detail there is in your greenhouse, the better this will work for you.

Your aunty is an energy leech. Not as bad as your mum, but still pretty bad. By protecting yourself with your greenhouse, she will be unable to hurt you again, as her poisoned darts will merely bounce off the glass.

wow thumbwitch, thankyou.

I will start on that each night when going to sleep........if I practise then I will be ready in action for next aunty visit, and the next mum visit too.

I'm afraid I don't have much to say, I haveread the thread and, well I'm never very good at saying the right things.
Thinking of you though

saltire, the fact that you have cared enough to read and post to say you are thinking of me is lovely and much appreciated. thankyou

hello lovey, how are you doing tonight? Are you in bed now? Hope you had a better day today anyway and that your greenhouse is flourishing nicely!

ah, had an odd evening and now emailing and MNing!

I am bedding down tho in a mo, and yes, will be setting up my greenhouse.

xxxx

Hey psycho, just wanted to say loads of hugs from me

Hi psycho

I realy feel for you. I've read through this and can identify so much with the feelings you describe.

I had a very difficult childhood but my parents put up such a front noone ever listened. your comment of "when I look back and feel very sorry for the child I was and the childhood I had." rings so true.

I've looked at your profile and seen your pictures. Your chilren are beautiful and look soo happy. I've seen on other threads the support and help you've given others.

I'm not a huggy person but ((hugs)) and alot of respect for you to come through everything you have and be the lovely woman you are.

ta frodo. you are the only one here who really knows as you were there!!!

TIMDI, thankyou. hugs are really appreciated, and the praise for my children is really REALLY fab.

it makes me so sad to hear of others who have gone thro similar, so accept a back. it can never make up for it, but it helps to know that there is still care about in the world, and to be able to pass it on, despite our harsh beginnings.

I can never say tho, as much as I feel sorry for how I grew up, that I would change it, as it has made me who I am today, and I am not sure I would wish to change 'me'.......I quite like me now. I certainly would not have the life I have now tho, and nor would I have the wonderful DH or fabulous children.....I have to stay looking on the positive, or I would sink completely. most times I do, tis times like now I have a 'blip'.

oh, and times when my aunt has pissed me off!!

I completely agree that these things in our past make us who we are today. It`s one of the things which helps me accept things and learn to live with them.
However, what is happening with your aunt now and the stuff she has said recently is bound to stir up your feelings of the past. Just try to remember that it none of it was your fault and there is nothing you did wrong.
You are a fantastic person and a wonderful mother and loads of people care and love you.

Psychomum, My Mum suffered with a with her mother for years. My Mum had a nervous break down when I was 2 and apparently has never been the same since. As my mother was great to me & my siblings her problems didn't stop her having fun with us. I find my Mother complaining about my gran and my mother sad upbringing ( won't go into here but was really nasty) a little boring. My Gran died last week. her last words to my mother was 'Oh! heres the prostitue' My Mum has been great, she is 71 (Gran was 92) tommorow she will have all her kids around her and grandchildren and in-laws. She owns her own house, has great friends and she knows how to have fun. Have fun with your kids and it will be worth gold in the future.