not depressed, but feeling a little crappy about myself and in need of a little 'something', and to offload stuff about my mother and aunt......

[psychomum5]

have spent the day with my aunt today. she hasn;t been like she can be (which is to put me down and make me so damn angry I need to get drunk after), but I have still some away with a face (according to DH and the children), so she has clearly got to me more than I like.

she had a stroke about a week or so agao. only a small one, but still, a stroke. problem is, my family do not speak to me anymore (they haven;t since I annouced I was expecting DS2), and so no-one told me, until it was remembered that no-one would be about for my mother! (she is schizophrenic and I have issues with her.....please note the issues!).

anyhooooooooooooooooo........today aunty had to be taken to the hospital near to me for testing on her vision, and so I offered (altho I did not feel as tho I had too much choice, but still, she is family so I feel I should). I spoke to her a lot more today than I have in a long time. she was quite complementary about me and the children, which is nice as I feel very intimidated by her normaly, but she then bought up something that she had read by Bill Oddie (goodies fame). seems he too is a product of a violent schizophrenic mother, and a 'controling' mother figure (his gran in his case), altho he did in fact have a wonderful father, something I did not), and my aunt finally says she can understand what I have been trying to say about my mother for so long.

she finally understands, only because Bill Oddie wrote about his experiances

.

why did she not understand just from me???

oh, and she also commented that she finally see;s that I am quite normal to feel how I do.......[hm]

no aunty, a lot of how I feel is becuase you never let me feel as tho it was ok to feel angry..........not just becuase of my mum, also because of you!!!!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sorry, a lot of you may not understand my garbledness.

thing is, I am also feeling rather careworn anyway. I am not sad about that (I am glad to be there for friends), but then, I need a lttle something and an outlet to vent too IYGWIM, so here I am.

plus, one this that scares me.........I read the extract of his book (published in the daily mail, aunty made me print it out for her, and so I read it). he notes about his breakdowns, and there is a small commment about how his doctor thinks he is surprised he did not breakdown lots growing up. i have terrors about me heading down that path too......it so scares me the thought of being like my mum, and reading it in print that it is likely (well, maybe not that wording, I think in my stu today I may be taking it wrong), scares me more.

help, and a big

I'm very accepting of it now... until he does his once a year phonecall to pretned he's a part of our life (has never even met DS!), usually carefully tiemd to make sure I;m not in and he can leave a message instead of talking to me. Then I rant and rave and obsess about it for a while before I think "Oh well I have a shit for a father" and settle down again.

I'm lucky though I have a lovely mum.

Night night everyone, soo tired.

Sorry I nipped in and out and selfishly talked about my own dad. Struck a cord with me as I could sense the emotion in the op.

and of course although you are worried about being like your mum, you must know that you are not your mum any more than you are your father or your Aunt. The fact that you are so self aware makes you not like any of them I suspect (Iand haven't met any of you!).

And why are you rading something into Bill Oddie's article when you were so pissed off with your Aunt for paying so much mind to it!!! You're not Bill Oddie either!

cheeset, yup, families!!!

kew.........I have a lovely DH, and I have to say, lovely PIL's too, even if they do wind me up sometimes!!! (oh, and fab children)

I just have days (and TBH, today is one of them), when I look back and feel very sorry for the child I was and the childhood I had. it all gets so mixed up, and I get angry, then low, then angry for feeling low, then confused (altho I had not recognised the confusion until ealier), and then a bit 'meh, and then the cycle starts again.

and then I wonder why I was so unlovable that my mother did what she did to become like she came, and my father also did what he did.............did they not care enough for me???

and that is probably the ultimate question..what was so wrong with me that my own parents could not feel enough love to stop them taking drugs??? I would never put myself at risk of not being able to care for my children, they rely on me, and I love them more than the world, so why could my parents not feel that?
and why could my aunt not try to make me feel more accepted than she did????

sorry.......am offloading a bit too much here I think

lol about asking why on earth I read about Bill Oddie.

I have been asking myself that all damn sodding night!!!!

argh, my own worst enemy.....

{ironic grin needed}

"I would never put myself at risk of not being able to care for my children, they rely on me, and I love them more than the world, so why could my parents not feel that?
and why could my aunt not try to make me feel more accepted than she did????"

You know to answer to this really don;t you? You ust need to hear it form someone occasionally.

Because you are normal and sane and caring.
And because they are not.

Has taken me a long time to accept that my relationship with my father is the way it is becuase of the way he is. And still occasioanlly I doubt it.

If you lost your marbles (sorry for non-PC expressions!) tomorrow and started to treat your DC badly in some way - would you think it was because they had a problem?

ah kew, sometimes I do need to hear the answer from someone else, and then I feel more normal instead of just maybe thinking I am......IYGWIM.

I also get a bit lost in the haze of crappy feelings, so yes, seeing it written down is also helpful.

you did make me smile tho with the 'losing my marbles' expression. sometimes the only humour is in non-pc-speak.

hope you're in bed by now psychomum!
Kew doth speak a lot of sense - how could it be your fault your parents were crap?

Suggestions are probably not what you really want right now but anyway:

1. have you thought or heard about NLP? there is a lovely process in there called re-parenting your inner child - it allows you to go back in time in your psyche and give the child that you were the love and care that you needed then. It can have very profound results. NLP can also help you to forgive your parents for being who they were.

2. although I love your name, it sounds to me like it is your mum who is the psycho and not you - would it help you to change to nonpsychomum or something similar? (not a very serious suggestion as I'm sure you are well known as psychomum5)

Anyway. Hope some of that helps
((((((hugs))))))) to you anyway

thankyou thumbwitch

yes, I was in bed. I got too arghy at one point so decided that switching off would be a better plan.........might have started getting too deep and then be completely unable to sleep IYGWIM.

I have to be honest and say I have never heard of NLP, but the conctept interests me. I may look into it (well, hunt and find info first more to the point!).

as for namechange tho..not sure. am quite attached to my name, but then, I do think it maybe is a little too pointed considering my mother!! thing is tho, to what would I change it but still be obvious it is me....am not fancying being a 'newbie' again.....

still, today is not so bad. am still very argh about HER, but flame took me for coffee and book buying and new shoe buying (well, she bought the shoes, me the books)........am feeling more 'me-like' now.

ache like hell tho........driving while tense is not fun, especially driving with a 'passenger seat' driver

psycho, i have only read your OP so far (and battery may die so wanted to post quick!)

first of all ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

You need to get Flame to show you how to block, you soak things up far too easily.

I have no words of wisdom about your Aunt. Maybe she needed to see it from someone else to know that its real and because Bill Odie is a celeb that it must make it ok - does that make sense?

MoM, yes, that does make sense.

still feel resentful tho that she can believe him and not me!!!

hugs are grand tho

oh, and yes, me thinks flame does need to teach me blocking bubble skills.

well, I shall start calling you nonpsychomum5 anyway!

try this website for info on NLP - short for neuro-linguistic programming - I facetiously call it brain-washing because it washes out all the old crap that makes us miserable/incapable and puts lovely shiny new pathways in there that make us happy and capable.

It is a very powerful therapy when you see a practitioner. There are lots of one-day courses that people can go to, run by for e.g. Paul McKenna - these are ok for the basics of how to get your life together (life coaching really) but don't hit the depths required for real personal therapy. You would need to find a proper therapist and the wesite link I gave you shows how to find one.

Re-direct your feelings about your pesky aunty - feel sorry for her that she is so limited in her outlook and has so few people to care about her. Feel sad for her that her understanding is small and that she has missed out on a great life being close to YOU by her own narrow-mindedness - and YOU are a great person!

Best of luck - glad you've had a nice coffee-books-shoes experience this morning!

couldn't you become psychomumisatongueincheekexaggeration?

Have you thought of taking a contract out on your Aunt to reduce your stress levels? HAve been very tempted with my Dad - perhaps we could get a BOGOF offer?

I think Thumbwitch is right - in my saner moments I feel sorry for my Dad that he has missed out on being close to DS (or even meeting him) as DS is so divine at the moment. Poor man.

(then in less sane moments I think "stupid arse")

kew, contract sound grand, but am thinking that if there are bogof ones, I will add my mum and dad in too.

name looks a little too long tho, but will think on new versions. altho thumbwitches one might not be too long.....

thumbwitch.....I will look at links thankyou. I did go to counselling about 18mths back about my childhood, not that it did that much for me as I was only entitled to 7 sessions on the NHS, and she said that my main issues were my aunt and not so much my mum/dad/stepdad. aunt was more poisoness to me......but as soon as we astablished it I ran out of sessions and I haven't looked into more as I then had my next car accident and so that got int the way IYGWIM.

Ally90 (I think that is her name), has posted to me a lot about how I feel about my aunt. she did say that my aunt is toxic to me! I think I need to listen to others opinions more.....I still tend to blame myself about all this.

but the coffee-book-shoe-buying was great

shorter than my other option "psychomumisanironiccommentonmycompletelackofpsycho-ness"

it is one of the great tragedies of NHS counselling that they use the "one size fits all" scenario, that size being CBT. It's excellent for short, sharp coping techniques and for pattern-breaking and rebuilding, but for deep trauma, longterm stress/distress, childhood (and since) "abuse" (for want of a better word) it can only barely scratch the surface and can be worse than nothing, as it can bring stuff up that then isn't dealt with due to lack of time/resources.

It is still better than nothing for a lot of people but it bothers me that GPs and CPNs aren't always that great at differentiating which cases will benefit from CBT and which aren't likely to.

not at all long-winded.....

thumbwitch, I am waiting for CBT actually to do with my driving, but that is going to be private paid for by the insurance co!

your comment about abuse tho, and it being 'for want of a better word'.......I was originally referred because of abuse from my stepdad (nasty abuse).....and they still figured my aunt did more damage to me!!!

go figure......

and you expected better from your Aunt.

Psy5 tho i had labelled NLP as Nurturing Little Person

It is good that you talk about and while not accept it should have happened be accepting that it did and some of the reasons why.

Sometimes it is others that can make our point in a way we can't, so accept dearest Auntie has had an awakening and move from there

Kew, yes, I did expect better. she was the 'sane one', the one I was placed wsith by SS......she should have nurtured me!! (thanks Matnan for the 'nurture word').

and now, since being a mum, I guess I have always thought she should have treated me the same as I treat my own children, but there-in lies my biggest fault. I have always expected others to treat me as I would treat them......not so always tho is it???.

argh........I need to ACCEPT, not expect!

if she was effectively in loco parentis then you might find the Toxic paretns book helpful.

I did find that having DS made me re-evaluate lots of my relationships. And in re-evaltuating my father I found that I felt even worse about him because I realised how I felt about DS and how he should have felt about me.

I like to think that it shows that I am normal to be able to relasie that he's a shit and has treated us badly whereas he just seems to think we're being unfair to him (poor diddums - shouldn't have ignored me for 10 years then, pillock!).

Ooh that last bit doesn;t sound very normal or balanced

she was effectivly my mum............I was placed with her at 18mths and lived with her until I was 8. my mum met my stpedad when I was five in a special home they were both in, and my mum then fell pregnant with my half brother. I was placed back with her full-time when she had my brother (I was then 8yo), as she was deemed 'normal' again.

unfortunatly it was then discovered a year later that my stepdad had been abusing me since I was 5, it was finally discovered by my teacher after something I said and behaviour. I was then sent back to my aunt at age 9, who then proceeded to not do anything about the abuse as (in her words years later), if they did not mention it then I would maybe think it was just a bad dream. oh, she also could not guarantee that I would not get some of the blame as I was a girl!!! (and lots of these too...--->>).

and since becoming a mum, well, my anger has increased for the same reasons that you state......I now know how they should have behaved!

Psy5 the old swept under the rug theory, don't talk about so it isn't real

It sounds like your able to think of it rationally tho which is fantastic.