I am in a dilemma

[Lonelymum]

Feeling really low today. It is hard to explain and will take some time. Will anyone bother to read it? Will anyone understand if they do?

Two facts you need to know, or might know already if you have seen previous threads started by me:

1. dh was sacked from job two weeks ago but has a new one already but we have to move for him to do it.
2. I am an emetophobe (have a phobia about vomiting, or, more to the point in this case, have a fear of my children vomiting.) That is the bit I don't expect many people to understand. Don't try to. Just see how it affects me....

Dh has to start his job next week. It all came about very suddenly and he is only today trying to arrange the rental of a house.

The problem: he wants me to stay where we are until Easter so he can settle into his job. Basically I think he is very scared he will be sacked again and we will have moved and sold our house for nothing. I, however, cannot face the idea of being on my own with the children for six weeks in case they get ill. The house he is renting will be big enough for us all, I have checked schools and there are three that have places for my children. The children don't want to move and are upset so I think it would be better for them to get the move over and done with rather than dwelling on it for six weeks.

However, I haven't told their current school they are leaving and if we up and go next week, we will be leaving more than just school very abruptly. There is also cubs, beavers, swimming lessons, ballet and hospital appointments, including a operation on ds1 to be cancelled.

But I can't face being on my own. All I want to do is move now rather than in six weeks time. What do you think?

I don't expect you to understand how my phobia drives me. Dh lives with it and even he says I should stay for the six weeks. The worry about it has been getting me down now for days and last night I actually thought I would rather end my life than carry on this pathetic specimen of humanity, unable to cope with what is an everyday situation for parents the world over. I feel no better today.

If you reply, tread softly please.

As someone who has never had a debilitating phobia, I would say that you should take care of yourself, but should also do what you can to make this huge move easy for your children. It seems very sudden to uproot them from their school/home/friends on such short notice.

How old are your children? On average, how frequently are they ill? Is it likely that they will actually be ill while your husband is away, or is it your fear that is over-riding the actual likelihood?

Don't mean to be insensitive, but am only trying to ascertain how possible it is that your fears will be realised.

They are 8, 7, 4, and nearly 2. No they are not often sick. We had a horrible bug last August which affected everyone to some extent. Since then, the only one to be sick was the baby when he had a chest infection. I was at home alone with him when it happened and dealt with it quite well (for me) but I knew it wasn't infectious.

I was thinking about this just now, aware that I had not answered NotQuiteCockney's point about how likly is it to happen in the next six weeks. To me, the degree of likelihood doesn't matter. It is possible, that is enough. If you could look into a crystal ball and tell me it will not happen, I would be fine to stay here with the children. But no-one can say it will definitely not happen so I fear it. That sounds weak. I do more than fear it. I don't know what words there are to explain how I feel.

Hi LM. There's obviously practical reasons why it might be better for you to stay the six weeks. but I would be inclined to say that was outweighed by you having to suffer extreme anxiety levels for the next six weeks and becoming quite depressed due to the anxiety. So I'm going to say up and go - I know it's a bit of a "sticking plaster" solution - but realistically doesn't sound like you're going to get into CBT treatment within the next six weeks.
best of luck

Hello Lonelymum.
Where are you? Do you have a college nearby that has childcare courses? Maybe if you spoke to them you could get some students to do some work experience by helping you out?
I'd help but I don't know where you are!
Why not look at it as one week at a time instead of six weeks?
What Doctor facilities do you have a night?
Maybe your HV could help?
Is there a helpline?
Good luck and well done in getting this far.

Lonelymum, your situation sounds extraordinarily stressful, the thought of 4 children and all that change, it sounds like you're coping amazingly well. I have experienced despair in my life and really empathise. It sounds like you don't have the support to stay where you are without your dh. I think you should do whatever makes this change possible for you. It may be that there's too much uncertainty in your life to countenance being 'alone' with such an overwhelming phobia. I think the whole family needs you to be able to function whatever that takes.
But - if you could see a counsellor (you could say that it's an emergency maybe?) even for a session or two they might just help create a little space for you to see round the wider situation, without the phobia dominating your whole perspective, and I do say this out of experience. Sometimes what appears the worst option in the light of the phobia can actually be the easier option for the whole person, if that makes sense. But all the best to you for this really difficult time, I'm thinking of you.

Oh Lonelymum (takes Lonelymum's hand and gives it a comforting squeeze)
Well done for being brave enough to tell us about it. Nobody here thinks little of you - quite the opposite I'm sure: managing life and children with a phobia or similar condition is a huge feat which takes a LOT of energy (I speak from experience) and you sound like you're doing really well.
Are you sure there's no-one around who would help you? My first thought on reading your post was 'if I wasn't pg and signed off, if I wasn't in Germany, I would go over and stay with her, at least for part of the time'. The idea of maybe asking a student is also a good one. Or (again, an idea someone else mentioned) you could maybe explain your situation at the local hospital, explain it's an emergency and see if they have a psychologist/therapist who would be prepared to come should the worst happen and help you handle it. Please don't be ashamed! You wouldn't if you had agonising stomach pains, would you? A phobia is a condition like any other and can strike anyone at any time.
Another option, I know it's not quite the same as having someone there physically. Would it help if you had a special thread on mumsnet for the 6 weeks where people who know about this situation would be checking regularly and if anything did happen you could send out an 'alarm call' and we could be there for you and help you through, at least virtually?
Now to the other option, going with your dh: How long do the kids have to go before the end of term? About 4 weeks? You could talk to their teachers, explain the situation and get work set for them which they could be working for those last few weeks. I wouldn't put them into their new schools before the beginning of next term, though. (There might be a legal problem with this, though - does anybody know more?)
What about ds1's operation? How soon does he need it? How soon would you be able to arrange a date for it in your new area?
I can't say 'stay' or 'go' for you, but these are just some thoughts I've had.
Good luck - thinking of you.

Sorry, no experience of managing children with a difficult condition but some of managing life...

Thanks Berolina. I know you mean well, as do all you others, but do you really think there are people out there who would come and stay with me? I don't.
The offer of virtual help will be nice but, TBH, it is practical help I really need. I thought I would post a lot in the next six weeks to help me through, but, you know, for the last few days, I have been posting a lot on Mumsnet about fun things and that is so much nicer than constantly posting about my phobia and depression. I feel a nicer person when I am joshing with people about duvets. I don't want to alienate my virtual friends!

As for practicalities, next week is half term and then there are 5 weeks of school before Easter. I have already contacted the school at the other end and there are three willing to take my children straightaway. I would have to visit them first but that would only mean my children being away from school for a few days and, as I never take them out during term time usually, I think they could have a week off school with no harm done. Ds1's op concerns me most but it could easily be transferred. It is not for anything life threatening. I am making excuses and justifications now aren't I?

Lonelymum - I don't think you have any option - you have to go now. And TBH I doubt if 1 week or 6 weeks will make a lot of difference to the children. They are going to have to start new schools, and activities, either now or in six weeks time. People move about a lot these days. Children are resilient - they will adapt.I don't see how it will make any difference about selling the house either - whether you are living in it for the next six weeks, or it is empty. I think the important thing is to try and keep cheerful round the children so that they feel reassured. Hope all goes well for you

Well, jangly, dd has her fifth birthday in the Easter holiday and I think it would make far more sense for her to start at a new school and make new friends and then invite them to her party than for her to stay where she is and have a farewell/birthday party at the end of term.

Also, it does seem to be putting a strain on them having their parents constantly talking about the move. I think they would feel better if it was just over and done with.
But I would say all that wouldn't I? I am the one who doesn't want to be left behind.

Also, I think the house will sell a darn sight more quickly without us in it as it is virtually impossible to keep it clean and tidy with 4 kids in it.

Oh LM, this is a real tough one isn't it? I can't tell you what to do about the move because only you know how bad staying would really be for you. I just wanted to tell you that I know someone with emetophobia. It affects her in that she is afraid to go out in public or eat anything in front of anyone, even her family. It has been completely debilitating for her. She has been off work now for a year and her social life has dwindled to nothing but she is now having cognitive behavioural therapy and making massive strides. Her therapist has helped her to see that what she is most afraid of is the fear and panic rather than the being sick. She even went to a restaurant last week. This is unimaginable progress for her. Her therapy is working. It could work for you. Please chase it up. You deserve to be happy! Good luck.

Sounds like a good time to go. They'll most likely enjoy it, whereas if you stay behind and you are miserable and stressed out, well - that wouldn't be any fun for anyone! Hey! - perhaps a new doctor might be more helpful!

I thought that too jangly (about the doctor).

Thanks for telling me about your friend Shimmy. My emetophobia doesn't manifest in that way (I am beginning to feel quite unique though I am sure I am not) and I find it hard to imagine anything making me better, but it is good to know that someone has been helped.

I walked past my GP today (having shamelessly avoided her a week ago). She smiled but she didn't say "Oh goodness Lonelymum, I must chase up your referral". I expect the silly cow has forgotten about it.

Well dh and I had "words" about this yesterday. I can't believe the man!! Everyone I know in the playground (none of whom know about my phobia) say I should go straightaway and who would want to be left alone with 4 kids? etc etc. I am convinced dh is deliberately dragging his heels on arranging the rental of the house so I can't join him next week and I have to face my fears by being alone. I am really cross today.

Lonelymum - can you arrange the rental of the house?

Oh no, he conveniently said "I will do it" as he walked out the door this morning. I am not usually left feeling this emasculated (not the right word but YKWIM) hence feeling so cross.

Ok. Can you at least look into renting a house? You could say something like, 'look, I know how busy you are, I'll sort it out'.

If I were you, I think I'd like to move when he does. How likely is it anyway that your house will sell within 6 weeks?

It's also very true what you're saying about trying to keep the house tidy to show people round when you've got young kids.

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Thanks for your support. I wish dh would stop being so stubborn. I thought he understood my condition but he seems hell bent on putting me through his own form of therapy, called facing your fears. He is making me so angry.

He is worried about losing his job because he lost his last one after only 4 months, but he knows darn well that, even if we do things his way, me and the kids will still have moved in 4 months, and anyway, if he is made redundant again, he has far more chance of finding a new job in the Bristol area than where we are now (where there is no chance whatsoever). So, I don't think his reluctance to let me move has anything to do with the uncertainty over his new job. It is just him trying to be an amateur psychologist and that is not at all what he is good at.

Sorry, just ranting now.

Message withdrawn

Couldn't afford an au pair (tbh, wouldn't feel comfortable with one if I could afford one!)
The trip to Bristol take about 3 hours.

Dh is just deliberately manoeurving this so it can't be done. His job starts next Monday and there is no way he can fix the business of the house rental by then (they need references, deposits etc) so he will go and live in a hotel for next week at least.

Then there is the issue of furniture. The house is unfurnished and he doesn't want me taking loads of furniture out of our house as we are trying to sell it and he wants it to look right when viewers come round. We have some spare pieces and I suggested buying air beds for the kids when we are in Bristol, but he just makes more excuses.

As for the school, I think I have pretty much picked the school I want and it would only take a day to look at it , fill out their forms and buy the uniform so the kids wouldn't miss much if they moved to B and then waited a day to start school. If they had to wait a week, so what?

Now, because time is ticking on, dh is making it harder and harder for me. Eg, ds2 went to Beavers yesterday and I don't know if it is his last session there or not. If I had known it was his last session, he could have said godbye to the leaders. It would be awful to just disappear without an explanation and a goodbye.

It is really hard to explain all this and I am probably not making much sense, but it helps to write it down.

I haven't had time to read all the responses but just wanted to say that I really feel for you. My sister is an emetophobe, both in terms of herself vomitting and other people. She has had a very hard time with it, hates travelling, doesn't drink and is obsessive about food hygene. She has had counselling/hypnotherapy which has helped enormously, to the extent that she is now working in a primary school (she would have never even considered this before) So basically what I am saying is please go back to the doctors, you dont have to feel like this.

In terms of your current situation, I think that you will basically have to insist that you go to bristol now. It is not fair on anybody to have you stay on your own. I am sure when your husband realises the enormity of how you are feeling he will have to face his fear of being sacked and make the move as a family.

Sorry I have waffled but you are the first emetophobe I have ever "met" other than my sister.

oh charlie there are quite a few of us just on Mumsnet alone. It is funny how it takes you though. I fear vomiting myself but only have a few mild avoidance symptoms IYSWIM and I was a primary school teacher before I became a mum, but I used to dread sick children. however, my reaction towards my own children is quite another thing (and very distressing because it does involve a rejection of all I love best)

Anyway, rambling now. Glad your sister has found something to help her. Wish I had as supportive a family as she has in you!

Gosh i will have to tell my sister to pay mumsnet a visit, I dont think she's ever met anybody either. She says she will never get pregnant(I had terrible morning sickness) or for that matter have children for the same reason you said. To be honest I'm not certain she is that lucky, I am ashamed to say that we never really realised how serious her problem was until she was referred for counselling.