I am in a dilemma

[Lonelymum]

Feeling really low today. It is hard to explain and will take some time. Will anyone bother to read it? Will anyone understand if they do?

Two facts you need to know, or might know already if you have seen previous threads started by me:

1. dh was sacked from job two weeks ago but has a new one already but we have to move for him to do it.
   
2. I am an emetophobe (have a phobia about vomiting, or, more to the point in this case, have a fear of my children vomiting.) That is the bit I don't expect many people to understand. Don't try to. Just see how it affects me....
   
   Dh has to start his job next week. It all came about very suddenly and he is only today trying to arrange the rental of a house.
   
   The problem: he wants me to stay where we are until Easter so he can settle into his job. Basically I think he is very scared he will be sacked again and we will have moved and sold our house for nothing. I, however, cannot face the idea of being on my own with the children for six weeks in case they get ill. The house he is renting will be big enough for us all, I have checked schools and there are three that have places for my children. The children don't want to move and are upset so I think it would be better for them to get the move over and done with rather than dwelling on it for six weeks.
   
   However, I haven't told their current school they are leaving and if we up and go next week, we will be leaving more than just school very abruptly. There is also cubs, beavers, swimming lessons, ballet and hospital appointments, including a operation on ds1 to be cancelled.
   
   But I can't face being on my own. All I want to do is move now rather than in six weeks time. What do you think?
   
   I don't expect you to understand how my phobia drives me. Dh lives with it and even he says I should stay for the six weeks. The worry about it has been getting me down now for days and last night I actually thought I would rather end my life than carry on this pathetic specimen of humanity, unable to cope with what is an everyday situation for parents the world over. I feel no better today.
   
   If you reply, tread softly please.

[Lonelymum]

Thanks.

[jangly]

Oh, I do hope it works out well for you. Hopefully in a couple of months you will look back on this and think "it wasn't so bad after all". Fingers crossed for you.

[Lonelymum]

Yes maybe Jangly, although I will more likely feel that I don't want to tempt fate by trying!

Actually, I felt reasonably happy (about the idea of moving) until this pm when I told dd's ballet teacher she is leaving. Teacher was really sad and said she was one of her best pupils and I was to ensure she continued with ballet in Bristol (no question of that anyway as dd is ballet mad). I never realised she was so good at ballet though and feel sorry I am taking her away from the woman who taught her everything. It is so hard to let go of things sometimes. That is part of the reason why I just want to go: make a clean break of everything and look forward to the new.

[jangly]

I mean, if really necessary.

[jangly]

Lonelymum - perhaps you will be best doing it in five day bites. I mean, tell yourself each Monday that its only four more days until DH is home again. Might work out more manageable like that. TBH I can see DH's point about moving the kids unnecessarily, but then, he's not going to lose this job is he? Sounds like his confidence is dented! You might find after you have successfully manged the first two weeks, that you can do the other three.

[Aimsmum]

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[Lonelymum]

He is still not happy about me moving before easter. He thinks he is going to lose his job again and we would have moved the children for nothing. Nevertheless, I told the school today that the kids were leaving without actually giving them a date as we don't have one yet. Also cancelled ds1's operation! (big decision)

The rented house isn't going to be ready in time for me to move with dh so I will probably have two weeks here on my own. Nothing I can do about that. Dh thinks if I can manage 2 weeks, I can manage 6, but I have told him I will not stay that long.

So, nothing really resolved, but nothing is clear cut anyway, even if we could resolve our differences. Thanks for asking Aimsmum.

How's you?

[Aimsmum]

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[Lonelymum]

Ha! Just occurred to me, he would ahve to cook his own meals! What a joke! Tesco would suddenly see a rise in profits from its ready made meals section!

[Lonelymum]

PMSL Open. My dh help with the housework? Oh deary me no.

[open]

He is being unfair, Lonelymum.

Let's see, he'll be getting 6 weeks of 'him' time during the week, won't he. No helping you with childcare, no helping with the housework, and no support for you.

[Lonelymum]

Aimsmum, I would say yes and yes to both your questions. I agree he is being very unfair, but I supoose a lot of people would have no idea what I am making such a fuss about.

Charlie, if your sister wants to talk to me about her condition/ fear of having children etc, she is more than welcome to via Mumsnet.

[Aimsmum]

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[charlie01]

Gosh i will have to tell my sister to pay mumsnet a visit, I dont think she's ever met anybody either. She says she will never get pregnant(I had terrible morning sickness) or for that matter have children for the same reason you said. To be honest I'm not certain she is that lucky, I am ashamed to say that we never really realised how serious her problem was until she was referred for counselling.

[Lonelymum]

oh charlie there are quite a few of us just on Mumsnet alone. It is funny how it takes you though. I fear vomiting myself but only have a few mild avoidance symptoms IYSWIM and I was a primary school teacher before I became a mum, but I used to dread sick children. however, my reaction towards my own children is quite another thing (and very distressing because it does involve a rejection of all I love best)

Anyway, rambling now. Glad your sister has found something to help her. Wish I had as supportive a family as she has in you!

[charlie01]

I haven't had time to read all the responses but just wanted to say that I really feel for you. My sister is an emetophobe, both in terms of herself vomitting and other people. She has had a very hard time with it, hates travelling, doesn't drink and is obsessive about food hygene. She has had counselling/hypnotherapy which has helped enormously, to the extent that she is now working in a primary school (she would have never even considered this before) So basically what I am saying is please go back to the doctors, you dont have to feel like this.

In terms of your current situation, I think that you will basically have to insist that you go to bristol now. It is not fair on anybody to have you stay on your own. I am sure when your husband realises the enormity of how you are feeling he will have to face his fear of being sacked and make the move as a family.

Sorry I have waffled but you are the first emetophobe I have ever "met" other than my sister.

[Lonelymum]

Couldn't afford an au pair (tbh, wouldn't feel comfortable with one if I could afford one!)
The trip to Bristol take about 3 hours.

Dh is just deliberately manoeurving this so it can't be done. His job starts next Monday and there is no way he can fix the business of the house rental by then (they need references, deposits etc) so he will go and live in a hotel for next week at least.

Then there is the issue of furniture. The house is unfurnished and he doesn't want me taking loads of furniture out of our house as we are trying to sell it and he wants it to look right when viewers come round. We have some spare pieces and I suggested buying air beds for the kids when we are in Bristol, but he just makes more excuses.

As for the school, I think I have pretty much picked the school I want and it would only take a day to look at it , fill out their forms and buy the uniform so the kids wouldn't miss much if they moved to B and then waited a day to start school. If they had to wait a week, so what?

Now, because time is ticking on, dh is making it harder and harder for me. Eg, ds2 went to Beavers yesterday and I don't know if it is his last session there or not. If I had known it was his last session, he could have said godbye to the leaders. It would be awful to just disappear without an explanation and a goodbye.

It is really hard to explain all this and I am probably not making much sense, but it helps to write it down.

[Aimsmum]

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[Lonelymum]

Thanks for your support. I wish dh would stop being so stubborn. I thought he understood my condition but he seems hell bent on putting me through his own form of therapy, called facing your fears. He is making me so angry.

He is worried about losing his job because he lost his last one after only 4 months, but he knows darn well that, even if we do things his way, me and the kids will still have moved in 4 months, and anyway, if he is made redundant again, he has far more chance of finding a new job in the Bristol area than where we are now (where there is no chance whatsoever). So, I don't think his reluctance to let me move has anything to do with the uncertainty over his new job. It is just him trying to be an amateur psychologist and that is not at all what he is good at.

Sorry, just ranting now.

[Aimsmum]

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[open]

Ok. Can you at least look into renting a house? You could say something like, 'look, I know how busy you are, I'll sort it out'.

If I were you, I think I'd like to move when he does. How likely is it anyway that your house will sell within 6 weeks?

It's also very true what you're saying about trying to keep the house tidy to show people round when you've got young kids.

[Lonelymum]

Oh no, he conveniently said "I will do it" as he walked out the door this morning. I am not usually left feeling this emasculated (not the right word but YKWIM) hence feeling so cross.

[open]

Lonelymum - can you arrange the rental of the house?

[Lonelymum]

Well dh and I had "words" about this yesterday. I can't believe the man!! Everyone I know in the playground (none of whom know about my phobia) say I should go straightaway and who would want to be left alone with 4 kids? etc etc. I am convinced dh is deliberately dragging his heels on arranging the rental of the house so I can't join him next week and I have to face my fears by being alone. I am really cross today.

[Lonelymum]

I thought that too jangly (about the doctor).

Thanks for telling me about your friend Shimmy. My emetophobia doesn't manifest in that way (I am beginning to feel quite unique though I am sure I am not) and I find it hard to imagine anything making me better, but it is good to know that someone has been helped.

I walked past my GP today (having shamelessly avoided her a week ago). She smiled but she didn't say "Oh goodness Lonelymum, I must chase up your referral". I expect the silly cow has forgotten about it.