Advice please, mental health and where to live disaster.

[tapandteacake]

Hi everyone, I’d love some advice please. It’s quite a long winded story.

So my husband and I got married in 2019. We had a lovely few years of marriage and then we decided to do building work to our house. We had bought a probate 1930s semi with the intention of extending and refurbishing before we had kids. We overspent and had a terribly stressful time doing it. We both ended up off sick for a month each towards the end. However we grew to absolutely love the house. We then had our first baby in 2024 and he was a terrible sleeper. Although I still say it was the best year of my life, it was very hard at night for a lot of the year. My husband says it was the hardest/worst year of his life. I went back to work part time after my year off and so my salary dropped significantly. I found the actual work on the 3 days per week too difficult to finish by 5 so I changed roles and my salary dropped even further. We then weren’t making ends meet and so we decided to sell our house and move to a more countryside location where we could significantly reduce the size of our mortgage. We got the house under offer in January 2025 without going on Rightmove and cracked on with house hunting. I had always dreamt of having 3 kids and so knew I’d need a smaller age gap in order to have 3 before I got too old. So a few months after we agreed the sale of the house, I fell pregnant. A few weeks later we reached exchange on our house, we still hadn’t found anything to buy but we agreed a completion date a few months away and continued house hunting. Unfortunately we didn’t manage to secure an ongoing purchase before we completed so we moved in with my parents in September 2025. Living with my parents was tricky for me as my mum likes to be the boss. My mental health went downhill and so we booked an Airbnb nearby to live in from January until July, in the hope that we’d have found somewhere to move by then. 2-3 weeks into the Airbnb, my husband had, what I can only describe as, a nervous breakdown. He got incredibly wound up and obsessed over why we sold our house, asked me repeatedly to go back over the reasons why we sold, and the dates and steps of selling it. He would pace up and down, scratching his head and groaning while talking about how selling the house had ruined his life and that it was the biggest mistake etc. I found that really upsetting as I was at that point 8 months pregnant, trying to find my baby stuff in our storage unit and just trying to focus on getting in the oxytocin zone and to focus on the future. It was incredibly stressful for me and probably really unsettling for my poor toddler. At one point the GP sent an ambulance for my husband because of how I described his behaviour. Anyway, his mental health remained rock bottom and we ended up breaking the Airbnb contract and moving back to my parents house, which was a relief when I ended up with an emergency c section in March. My husband wasn’t by my side for the birth and even the next morning made plans to visit his parents for brunch rather than coming into hospital to see me for the start of visiting hours. So I had no one to get me any breakfast, he didn’t care if I was ok after major surgery and he didn’t care to meet his new baby boy. All this time I’m desperately telling myself that depression makes you selfish and that he’s mentally unwell and it’s not his fault etc. but gradually I could feel my relationship breaking apart. We either argued or were silent and his mental health was in tatters, still totally obsessed with our old house, why we sold and even crazily wondering whether he could ask the new owner if we could buy it back. Several times he has said he regrets having the second baby when we did, which really upsets me, because I don’t regret anything to do with the baby and he has been what has kept me going. I only regret selling the house, but I’m realistic about the fact that people make mistakes/wrong decisions and the only way now is forward.

In May we moved into our new house in Cranleigh and his mental health was so poor that on move in day, he didn’t help at all and sort of just stood around looking out of the windows of the new place while everyone else scurried around trying to get sorted (I was 9 weeks PP). 2 days later he told me he hated the house, hated Cranleigh and that it was the wrong place to have moved to. His mental health and our relationship deteriorated further. All throughout this he’s been having counselling and help from the GP and a private psychiatrist. A few weeks later he became totally obsessed with the idea that we should have moved to Cirencester. We did house hunt in Gloucestershire for a while but we never really considered Cirencester so this obsession was out of the blue. He became totally obsessed with one particular house that actually had a lot of the characteristics of our current house that he hates, so it was just totally deluded thinking and we argued about it a lot. Then for some reason a few weeks after that, he became obsessed with the idea of living in the New Forest. This was somewhere we had house hunted for most of the year and we had been under offer on a house there up until Christmas 2025 when the sellers pulled out and then came back to the table 2 days later, but that gave us wobbles and so we chickened out of the move and decided on Cranleigh as it was much closer to home and what we said was a good stop gap home to just settle and regroup for a while. Fast forward to now, maybe 3-4 months on, he’s still obsessed with moving to the New Forest. His mental health is still utterly dreadful, he hates our home and the town so much that he won’t even stay in the house without me, so I take him to all my social activities and he wanders around until I’m done, or at bathtime for the kids, he refuses to stay downstairs to do other jobs while I bath the kids, he insists that he doesn’t want to be alone in the house. He walked into the village one day and when he got back he was in a complete panic attack about how much he hates the village and he doesn’t want to be here. He has told me loads that he won’t be able to recover his mental health while we live here and I do believe that is true. Despite being on various anti depressants and anti anxiety medications and having counselling, he is just getting worse. So I just truly don’t see him getting better while living here. At least not any time in the next few months or year. Our relationship is crumbling and I fantasise about my future life where I’m divorced and just living with my sons. If we divorce then I still desperately want him to get better so that he can be a better father. I’ve told myself to hang on in there until April next year to then make a decision about divorce.

I know that the New Forest is somewhere that would give him a better chance at getting better. We love the sea and the forest and we have always felt at peace there.

Anyway, I’m writing all of this because I feel like I’m at a crossroads where I need to decide, do I uproot myself and my boys again, only months after buying an expensive house, to move away from my parents (who have been like co-parents to me over the last few months and helped look after my husband), down to the New Forest, into a rental, to give my husband the best chance at recovering his mental health, which I feel like in turn would give our marriage the best chance at recovering. If I do go there, do I put the house on the market now or wait until putting it on just after Christmas? If I did move down there, I would make sure I had a nursery place and other support in place before we move because I know my parents won’t be able to visit much.

Or do I stay put in Cranleigh where I’m close to my parents, I have a lovely nursery for my toddler and a safe, warm, albeit very miserable, home. I feel like if I give this the best shot I can, by moving down there, if he doesn’t improve at all and our relationship is still a dog’s dinner then I can safely say, I tried my best and I can decide to divorce. At that point I might decide to stay down there as I’ve always wanted to live by the sea, or I could move back to nearer to my parents. Or do I stay in Cranleigh and hope he gets better? How long do I stay with him while hoping he gets better? I know it’s meant to be ‘in sickness and in health’ and I know he’s mentally ill, but what about mine and the boys’ wellbeing? I don’t want to be living this utterly miserable life, I want kitchen dance parties and laughter and fun.

Because he feels like he made this terrible mistake, he’s no longer able to make any decisions and he’s already instructed the estate agent and then cancelled it again a few days later. So I feel like I just need to choose for myself, do I want to move to the New Forest with my boys and my husband? My gut says yes but it’s terrifying to move away from my support network in such dire circumstances.

I’d be so grateful for any advice or thoughts.

Sounds like his parents don’t have the kind of unconditional love you’d expect and so maybe that’s part of him not doing either. It’s very sad but I’m not sure you need to wait till next April. See how you/he copes with Christmas and how you’re feeling by the new year. Maybe by you birthday you’ll have made some decisions and already be in a better place. I hope so. It sounds so tough. 💐

Stay in your new home near your parents. If he wants to move. If he hates it so much? Then he should move out and leave you to it. He isn’t helping or supporting you. Can your parents come to stay to support you while you are healing from the c section?

Moving is a bad idea. Can he try a mood stabiliser which might also help with seizures? He is stuck in a terrible cycle of down moods and awful thinking and CBT might help him if he will give it a go. You can do it free online. How is his sleeping at night? There is a mental health group called Grow that might be helpful for him. He needs to help himself. Stability is the MAIN thing right now. He is unwell because you guys have had so much upheaval and he cracked. That's not your fault, that is just life and you are doing an amazing job. I would recommend he try the Grow group, some volunteer work that way if he makes some supportive connections in Cranleigh he might start to settle down more.

He’s fixated on moving but it won’t solve things and he’ll simply move on to the next fixation.

i think you need to be blunt with him and tell him no, moving is off the table. Not happening. If he wants to move he can but it won’t be with you.

Keep pushing with GP etc as well. And I know you said you wanted 3 kids but do not have any more with this man.

@tapandteacake selfish son of selfish parents regardless of mental health.
You're going to be a single parent whether you stay with him or not.
Sell the house, stay near your family support and let him go and live wherever he thinks will make him happy. It won't.

Gosh I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I feel like the answer is in what you’ve written here. It isn’t about where he lives, the location & house etc, but actually the fact he wants a different type of life.

My sister has borderline personality disorder and she has always blamed her problems on external surroundings. Where she’s living and who is around her. For years she has all her stuff packed up in boxes because she had to move, that was the answer and the reason for all the issues she had in her life. It was very sad to see. She eventually moved to Costa Rica and now posts these long rambling statuses that suggests she isn’t settled there either, what does “home” mean etc. No matter how many moves you do, you can’t outrun what’s going on inside and sooner or later have to confront it.

I think your starting point needs to be what is the best set up for you and your DC, not trying to please whatever the latest idea he has about what will fix all his problems. If you genuinely think you can make the new forest work for you and your kids, maybe you could rent out the cranleigh house and rent somewhere in the new forest to see if he does actually settle there (I wouldn’t hold my breath).

I’m sorry Relate didn’t work. What about some 1:1 therapy doe yourself? You are dealing with a lot. When you are around someone who is in a mental health crisis it can be easy to forget how you are struggling and it can easily become all about them. If you can I would try do a few sessions before making any big decisions

Wishing you all the best. This time will pass xx

Luckily I’ve had lots of support from the peri natal mental health team and 10 sessions of walk and talk counselling through Homestart. I’m trying to find something more like solution based therapy because I’m not sure the walk and talk was that useful towards the end.

I definitely am not prepared to look for a new house to buy with him because I don’t want to risk wasting a load of stamp duty again. We have discussed renting in the new forest but would probably just sell the Cranleigh house as if we split up I wouldn’t be able to afford to keep it by myself anyway and I’d have to buy something smaller and cheaper.

His parents are the most selfish people I’ve ever met honestly. I ended up apologising because quite frankly I was fed up of hearing my husband say things like, ‘my family life is ruined’ and saying his parents would never be able to stay again. I welcomed them to stay even once he was discharged from the hospital after his seizure and after they had got home from their holiday and they declined because they said they were worried I’d fly off the handle and shout at them again. It beggars belief. When I apologised, they didn’t apologise in return as a normal adult would. Even with everything I had been through, while they had been abroad on holiday, apparently having their holiday spoiled by the worry, but you can absolutely guarantee they were still sunbathing on a beach and swimming in the pool.

My husband didn’t used to be this selfish, before the kids came along he was very selfless and did all the cooking, food shopping and most of the clothes washing, because I worked longer hours than him. He would give me a massage every night and bring me a glass of squash if he thought I might be thirsty. After the first baby arrived he definitely found it harder than I did but he still helped me in and out of the car, did the cooking and played with the baby as much as possible on the weekends to give me as much free time as possible. So it’s only really been since the beginning of the year that he’s become very very selfish.

That makes it so hard to decide finally to call it quits because I can see how much he has changed and I remember how happy we have been at times. But he’s told me in the past that he’s just not good at the baby stage and he finds it really difficult and that he thinks he will enjoy things much more and be much better at it when the boys are a bit older. He has also told me that he finds waking up in the morning so difficult that he will never be able to help me in the mornings with the kids and ever since the eldest was born, he’s had 2 hours extra lie in on average every morning, despite me having had a dreadful night with multiple wakes. Recently he said to me that his ideal set up is that he doesn’t do any childcare Monday-Friday except to read the eldest a bedtime story and put him to bed. I struggled hearing that a lot but then over the next few days I sort of thought that’s how lots of families operate or at least they used to operate where most dads left the house for work early in the morning and didn’t get home until 7 or so, that’s definitely how I grew up. I argue that childcare is always difficult, it’s just different sets of challenges as they grow up. So I worry I’ll be putting up with being unsupported and fighting to be prioritised over his parents forever.

Yep definitely not going to have a third with him. That’s so difficult for me to accept right now and getting rid of my baby stuff has been so upsetting. I keep telling myself if I find someone else or just do it alone then I’d still have a chance at a third because I’m only 36 at the moment. But then I think that’s selfish and the third child might always really struggle with not having a dad if I go it alone and their older siblings do have a dad.

Stay put. It is part of the depression to want to run away from your current life/home/town and start over somewhere else whether that is Oz or New Forest. He is not himself. Keep him on the treatment plan, moving will mean falling off wait lists for intensive therapy. I would not send him away unless he has also become abusive.

He might benefit from residential care or living with his parents tbh, i read your update on the childcare situation and it is part of severe depression to isolate and be unable to work, care for children, do chores and even self care. I would not read his comments about ideal this and that as lasting into recovery. It is likely what he can handle now.

I understand if you cannot carry him through the depression though as you have alot on your plate. If you need to call it quits, then that is perfectly alright. If you cannot saving a drowning person without drowning yourself and your children, then you have to send them where they can be saved.

I don’t ever want to regret calling it quits too early. I really want to be able to feel like I had tried everything. When he has stayed with his parents he’s described feeling more depressed because their house is dark and dirty and lots of stuff is broken or 40 years old.

I’ve looked into residential care multiple times but I cant afford the Priory and I can’t find anywhere else that’s appropriate. I’ve asked about getting him sectioned multiple times but he’s apparently not bad enough.

He is still doing the majority of the cooking at home and plays with the toddler whenever the toddler is willing to play with him. He also does help at bathtime, although a lot of the time it makes it more stressful than it would be if I just did it myself as he gets really wound up by the toddlers loud noises or challenging behaviour (just a normal toddler bathtime!)

If he is actively trying to get better then I wouldn’t give up hope just yet. But if he’s relying on you to keep him stable and not taking charge of his own MH then you may be better off apart. At least for a while.

He has also told me that he finds waking up in the morning so difficult that he will never be able to help me in the mornings with the kids and ever since the eldest was born, he’s had 2 hours extra lie in on average every morning, despite me having had a dreadful night with multiple wakes. Recently he said to me that his ideal set up is that he doesn’t do any childcare Monday-Friday except to read the eldest a bedtime story and put him to bed.

What appalls me so much about this is how you don't figure in his thoughts at all. He finds early mornings difficult, he needs a long lie-in, he only wants to read a bedtime story and do nothing else at all in the week. And what - you fucking love doing early mornings, have no lie-ins, doing every single other thing for the kids all week?? Course not! You could be falling apart and he's only bothered about himself and his internal monologue about where he wants to live. The MH issues are one thing, but there's only so much a parent can take and if you're doing it all solo plus having the pressure of his needs and whims, it's too much.

You need to put yourself and the DC first because sadly he doesn't think any of you are a priority at all. And as for his parents, they're beyond disgusting. So sorry that you're having to deal with this and it's remarkable that you're coping so well and managing to think of him at all when the whole thing's so draining.

He can move out relatively near. Claim benefits if he not working. If he needs suppport a supported living type place eg manager on site .what do his mh team suggest? If you say he needs to move out ?
Let him sort it out.
Him living in and playing with toddler sometimes is not much help for you.if he asking you all the ttime to fix him/change things to fix him .he needs to work with his mh team .

I know. I’ve said ‘what about me’ about a thousand times over the last few months and I’m so sick of hearing about how he feels. He tells me he’s always thinking of my feelings and it keeps him up at night, which just infuriates me because it’s turning it round to being about him again. He has told me that the breakdown originally happened because he was worrying about me.

The estate we’re living on has a playground and he says that the playground makes him depressed so e refuses to go to it, even though our toddler loves the swing and they could have great bonding time together. I said to him, do you think I love pushing him on the swing?! Of course not, but I do it because my son loves it and it’s easy entertainment close to home! When we first moved into the house he refused to do anything that would benefit the house, so refused to mow the lawn, refused to unpack or put a picture up on the wall. I did everything, with breastfeeding my little non sleeping baby and looking after my toddler because I didn’t manage to find a nursery place until the beginning of September, 4 months after we moved here. My poor mum drove down as much as she could, but it’s a 45 minute drive and one of my sisters has also just had her second baby and my other sister has just got married so my mum has had lots on her plate.

My in-laws have been utterly useless. When they came to stay just after we moved in, they had promised to help look after the kids for a few days and I had graciously agreed to let them stay 3 nights, so I could finish unpacking, but then the weather forecast changed and I overheard my MIL telling my husband that they were going to change their plans and leave after 1 night so that they could make the most of the sunshine down at their holiday flat on the beach. The night before my husband had actually felt so unstable in the night that he had called an ambulance for himself at 2am and been checked over. That was the first time I got in an argument with them as I said I can’t understand why you’re leaving the day after your son felt so unstable that he called 999. Her response was ‘well he didn’t really need it, all they did was check his temperature and his blood pressure’. I said ‘it doesn’t matter at all if they checked his temperature or his blood pressure, it was a mental health call so neither of those are relevant!!’ She said to me that I was making him worse because I wasn’t treating him like a human (because I was snapping at him so much everytime he said things about the old house). Then I ended up being guilted into apologising because I said that they were choosing to go and ‘bake’ themselves on the beach rather than supporting their son and daughter in law and visiting their grandchildren (they’re always complaining about not seeing the kids enough). Their behaviour honestly beggars belief, they are heinous people that everytime I call them out, I end up being guilted into apologising. It’s a huge source of contention between my husband and I because I feel like my MIL is prioritised over me constantly.

sorry for the rant!

This is such a difficult and quite tragic situation for you. Is he still working full time? Sorry it isn't clear from your post. I guess the big question is what you and your children's lives would look like if you separate. Sometimes in life we are trapped in very difficult situations where all we can do is choose the least bad option until things improve with the factor of time. I would say that your DH MH will probably improve as the kids get older. Older children are far less demanding. Toddlers and babies grind you down, especially if they sleep poorly. I would try and grind it out where you are for another year, encourage him to find some peer support or a men's group and cross fingers things improve, which I do feel they will. Making big life changing decisions in the middle of crises is never a great idea. Sometimes just waiting is better. If things are still this bad in another 12 months or worse then I guess you have to consider whether you can keep doing it.

He’s just gone back to work a couple weeks ago after 2 months off after the seizure. He’s on a phased return working shorter hours at the moment.

neither of our kids have been good sleepers. I’m currently cosleeping with the toddler and the baby is in a cot in my room and he wakes every 45 minutes all night long every night. I think both kids sense a vibe with their dad and so won’t go to him. The baby struggles to be settled by him at night and the toddler point blank will not be helped by dad at all. If my husband goes near him in the morning or even if he just says good morning, the toddler screams go away daddy and tries to hit him. I’ve been telling the toddler off everytime but then I realised the other day that I quite often feel like screaming at him to go away or hitting him so how am I supposed to expect the toddler to control his emotions if I’m struggling to as well?!

Yeah that's super super tough. It would be good to encourage the attachment bond between your toddler and DH though so that he can take him off your hands more, especially as he gets older. I co slept with with my now 11 yr old until he was 4/5 yo because of severe sleep disturbance from Autism. It resolved when he was about 7yo. He now sleeps like a baby (you know, those alleged good ones lol). I know what this type of long term sleep disturbance is like, is it utter pure hell and people who have not experienced it have no idea. I actually don't know how you are surviving. I wish I had done the baby sleep clinics. Can you? You are in a really tough spot. I just pray things take a turn for the better for you.

Would he/psych consider ECT? Was a lifesaver for me and others that I know

OP can you tell us what is your husband’s actual diagnosis? Surrey generally has pretty good MH provision and also carers’ support, because that’s what you are now and not sure you’ve realised or looked at it that way.

Wow that’s a lot. Sounds like PND but for him while you’ve been managing him, a newborn and a toddler so qudos to you!
It’s great that he’s working though - I’ve known a few people in these situations who’ve left their job and struggled to get back into work even years later. I wouldn’t underestimate how much of an achievement that is for him and how that will be both keeping him on track but wiping him out too. My DH worked with depression through our kids baby/toddler stages and his MH was bad but in an agressive spiteful way and it was so hard - single parenting would’ve been so much easier but I couldn’t face the extra burden of splitting up and now things have settled and he’s much calmer, we did split last year and whilst he accepted it he did none of the admin about it and just focussed on his own MH and with all the negotiating and decision making and slow solicitors it was so hard - I’m glad I didn’t attempt it when we’re in the thick of it as it would’ve broken me.
From that I would say don’t add any big life decisions to your mental load atm. Moving house and splitting up would both be horrendous for you and would likely make him worse and give him more to obsess over.
See if you can get him to change his mind about your current house. Anywhere need a lick of paint or refocusing to give him a chillout room/study/den/area that he can go for peace and quiet? I slept in my toddler/baby’s room for a long time while he was on the edge and put a tv in our room so he could chill out. Transition from work to family life was especially hard for him and I was better off without him grumpy and snappy on the sofa.
Make him read about PND and buyers remorse cos it sounds like he’s got both. Plus parenting/responsibility anxiety given he’s had no role models to learn from. And has the anxiety/shame of not doing what he’s always done for you. I bet he had plans to be a great father and hates that he’s in this rut.
these years are so tough and lack of sleep and stability is awful for everyone. You’re effectively a single mom and you’re powering through but it will get easier and anything to keep him on track whilst giving you and kids space might just help get you both through. I know it’s so stressful but if he’s not being mean to you then try to partition somewhere for him to chill out (garage? Converted man shed?) and keep chugging along. Your kids need you most at this stage anyway so you’re being fantastic and don’t need to worry about them atm just focus on getting you two through xxx

OP, you’ve been through so much. I just want to say that I see how much you’re holding and how much you need peace.

You need him to move out. Certainly for now. Perhaps permanently. How would you cope financially if you separated? How much support could your parents offer?

Can his parents afford to help with the cost of private inpatient treatment? CBT is for anxious behaviour, not a complete breakdown. He needs serious professional support.

Thank you, I’ve not even written everything that I’ve been through in these last 10 months here because everyone really would get bored reading. I’m desperately surviving not thriving at all, the kids watch 2 hours of tv every morning because I’m just too shattered to not need to rely on the tv. Then DH has the audacity to finally appear downstairs after his lie in and immediately switch the tv off with no warning or distracting activity planned or plans to play with the toddler so obviously that triggers a tantrum and then DH saunters off to brush his teeth and use the loo.

I’d have to go back to the more stressful role I had at work if we separated, or I’d not have enough money and I couldn’t afford to keep the house in any case. The priory is over £1000 per night so his parents definitely couldn’t afford that. My parents have been paying for his private psychiatrist and counselling. They’re also paying for my counselling and they paid for me to have a doula when I was 34 weeks pregnant and realising that I couldn’t have DH with me to give birth. Both my parents and my in-laws were on holiday for the last month of my pregnancy, away for my due date. My in-laws were in Australia because my FIL is Australian and they go there every year for a month just to the same place (they don’t see family because they’re estranged from everyone) so I felt they could sacrifice that holiday and fly home early. Whereas my parents were on the holiday of a lifetime in New Zealand with a fully packed itinerary travelling around the country. I ended up being admitted to hospital because baby had suddenly flipped transverse at 40+2 with really bad polyhydramnios and had emergency c section the next day so thank god for the doula in the end as she was my birth partner in the operating theatre.

It sounds like a truly awful situation.
With his side effects and failed medication trials has anyone talked about ECT or MRT? They can sound scary but have some excellent evidence for profoundly depressed patients.
It might be worth asking his psychiatrist.