Partners mental health crisis

[wonderfulch]

Hi, just in need of some advice and words of wisdom/ courage.

I’ve been with my partner since last year and he has been struggling on and off with his mental health from the beginning. He was put on a new medication at the start of the year and things were going great for us. He left his job abroad so he could move back to England and we were planning on building a life together.

Then at the start of July he suddenly stopped taking his medication without warning and his mental health spiralled. He cut off all his friends and family, said he wanted to end the relationship but then quickly took it back. He has now been back on his medication for the past couple of weeks but seems to be spiralling even deeper. Tuesday and Wednesday we were making future plans, Thursday he called me to end the relationship but then Friday he came to see me and we agreed not to make any definite decisions about the relationship whilst he was in the midst of a mental health crisis.

I’m not really sure what to do any more. I was supposed to be seeing him this week to get some understanding of how best to support him but he has since cancelled. I understand that the priority is his wellbeing but am I wrong for also wanting some kind of idea about the relationship? I know any decent person wouldn’t walk away from someone they care about during their darkest hour but if he’s telling me he doesn’t want to be with me then at what point do I just take him at his word? Does anyone have any advice or success stories? Words of wisdom? Harsh truths? Anything?

I would also love to hear from the perspective of any men who may have experienced something similar

Walk away. He sounds like he wants you to split anyway. That’s not the basis for a good relationship. He will drag you down and his poor mental health is not your responsibility.

Thanks for the advice and opinions everyone.

@Helpisonitsway I’ve never posted about this before 🥴

Ok, apologies @wonderfulch. There have been several similar dilemmas where the poster kept going back to be treated poorly by a fairly new partner with MH issues.
I hope you are able to walk away before it makes you ill too x

Thank you x

I’m going to have a look for some of those threads now. It might give me a glimpse into my future and the reality check I clearly need

I really do appreciate your input on this. I’d never considered the potential affects it would have on any future children

I sincerely hope you and your children have a beautiful future x

@Elieza I did wonder if it could be bipolar because I’ve seen examples of it my whole life but that is not his current diagnosis. That’s not to say he hasn’t been misdiagnosed

You’re not obliged to rescue him. He has to want to rescue himself. You’ve been together less than a year. This is meant to be the honeymoon period. Give yourself permission to put yourself first and step away. If you’re mid-30s and would like kids then move on now. You don’t have time to waste, even if you love him. Which I don’t think you’ve actually said in any of your posts. (Forgive me if I have misremembered.) Good luck to you.

It sounds like you have been taken by surprise by what has happened and so you are trying to understand it at the same time as trying to process your feelings about other people in your life who have suffered mental health episodes. I understand others saying, just leave, but I think your original question was about how to approach him.

Right now, he is in the middle of an episode and a tough time. You are blindsided. Now is not the time to talk to him. If he is unwell he cannot give you space, he needs all his energies to focus on himself. When he feels better, talk might be possible. So you have to wait. And reflect that this might be your life. I know some can love the good bits and not dread the bad, others brood over the bad that is surely coming, and can’t enjoy the good. Maybe it’s a good time for you to think about what you need, and even maybe reflect on your own feelings of guilt.

I think if he’s trying to walk away, let him.

I genuinely don’t know if I would still go into it, knowing what I know now 23 years on. I loved Dh. I love my ds. The worst bits were hell.

I have the low level fear that my son will inherit his dad’s illness. I won’t know for sure that he’s escaped it until he is maybe 32 - another ten years. Even my future grandchildren, if any, are more at risk. It’s a lot.

@BrinkWomanship you’re right! I haven’t said I love him. I’m not sure why, maybe trying to make peace with the reality of it being over. I’m not too concerned with having children in the future, he is the only person that has made me genuinely consider it, although we lost a pregnancy recently which seems to have been a major trigger for him. Possibly why I’m still sticking around

@Theoscargoesto I honestly couldn’t have put it better myself. Thank you for helping me find the words. I’ve always been a ‘glass half full’ kind of person, which makes me wonder if I’m sticking this out longer than I should.

@PermanentTemporary I’m so sorry that has been your experience xx

In my view it looks like him

• booking his own psyc appointments and actively attending
• taking medication consistently
• developing a routine or rhythm to support his mental health
• making life choices to support his mental health. This can be different for everyone. Could be supportive food, nutrition, exercise, hobbies etc

Maybe its bipolar but also bipolar frequently co occurs. My husband is bipolar 1, adhd and has complex trauma from his childhood and being left by his parents

Agree with all this.

Find out if he genuinely wants you to go, or it is anger about something he is going through. I would stay in commuication as much as i could, i wouldnt visit though unless he really wanted me to come.

@HannahSqan oh interesting about the co occurrence. I do suspect he may be neurodivergent. Does your husband receive any treatment for his adhd? If so, do you find it helps manage his mental health struggles?

@Prycejosh1987 I think it’s more so that he doesn’t feel he deserves anything good in his life as he’s struggling and can’t be much good to anyone in return. He has stopped communicating with all his friends and family.