Partners mental health crisis

[wonderfulch]

Hi, just in need of some advice and words of wisdom/ courage.

I’ve been with my partner since last year and he has been struggling on and off with his mental health from the beginning. He was put on a new medication at the start of the year and things were going great for us. He left his job abroad so he could move back to England and we were planning on building a life together.

Then at the start of July he suddenly stopped taking his medication without warning and his mental health spiralled. He cut off all his friends and family, said he wanted to end the relationship but then quickly took it back. He has now been back on his medication for the past couple of weeks but seems to be spiralling even deeper. Tuesday and Wednesday we were making future plans, Thursday he called me to end the relationship but then Friday he came to see me and we agreed not to make any definite decisions about the relationship whilst he was in the midst of a mental health crisis.

I’m not really sure what to do any more. I was supposed to be seeing him this week to get some understanding of how best to support him but he has since cancelled. I understand that the priority is his wellbeing but am I wrong for also wanting some kind of idea about the relationship? I know any decent person wouldn’t walk away from someone they care about during their darkest hour but if he’s telling me he doesn’t want to be with me then at what point do I just take him at his word? Does anyone have any advice or success stories? Words of wisdom? Harsh truths? Anything?

I would also love to hear from the perspective of any men who may have experienced something similar

Honestly?
I'd consider ending it.
It sounds like a lot of hard work for no reward.

Have you posted about this relationship before @wonderfulch?
He sounds like he has serious MH issues and it is more than you should be expected to deal with when you have only been together a short time. He needs to focus on his own health and you need to protect your own sanity by leaving him to do that.
Do you feel obligated to support him as I don’t think you should? It would be different if you had many years of good, mutually supportive relationship behind you but you don’t.

@Helpisonitswaynever posted before.
I definitely feel obligated to support him but I’m not entirely sure why. I guess it’s a lot to do with the fact this shift came on so suddenly.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I’ve definitely considered it but can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

You said he had been struggling on and off since the beginning so it doesn’t sound like a one off episode. How old are you both? Do you really want a life like this?

As someone who has been walked away from during a similar situation, sometimes it’s what needs to happen. It doesn’t mean you’re not a decent person. Your priority has to be your wellbeing and if there’s too much uncertainty and inconsistency then you may be better to end the relationship. It does sound as though he’s struggling hard at the moment but unfortunately you can’t change this for him, much as you’d like to. He needs to take the medication and potentially engage with other forms of support to recover.

Yes, he struggled slightly but nothing like this recent episode.

We’re in our mid 30’s and I definitely couldn’t do this for the rest of my life

My husband has a major mental health disorder, that can present with similar issues. My one word of advice is walk away. If i knew what I knew now before we gad kids I wouldnt have stayed. You are only new to the relationship and he is already doing this

@Chickateetathank you for this perspective. He is currently back on his medication and starting therapy

@HannahSqan thank you for this advice

Oh Wow I would definitely walk away. Hopefully he won’t threaten or guilt you into staying. You have your whole life ahead. Tell him you’re ending it, block and forget about him. Have a good hard look at yourself and why you ended up in a relationship with someone with such big problems in the first place

This

I am in the same place and would say the same. Walk away. He needs to work on his own mental health for himself, take the meds, go to therapy. All it will do is drag you down to where he is if he keeps doing this. Especially if he knows he has you dangling on a string.

@Pumpkinswirls Fair. I think it was easier for him to hide in the beginning because we were very long distance. Then for a while I chalked it up to all the life changes he was experiencing but there’s no denying the severity of things now

@Messedupmyusernameagain I’m having a hard time walking away. I’ve seen a lot of men in my life struggle with their mental health and come out the other side. I’ve also lost someone to suicide and that guilt is part of what’s keeping me there

He could come out the other side but in my experience they have to want to do it and be forced to do it themselves. I know I am one person ( although there are loads of others on here in the same place) but I have been here, been the one looking for treatments, suggesting referrals to talking therapies, ringing the crisis team, finding places for him to go etc etc for 3 years while being the sole earner and sole parenting 3 kids. TBH it's made fuck all difference because he's not doing it himself and he doesn't have to because I'm doing it. I'm only here because I'd have to sell the house and don't want to disrupt my kids education. I also don't want to see him on the streets. Really, my experience is that you being there will do nothing for him, but it is likely you'll just be living in hell with him.

Thank you for sharing and I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through that. I do hope things get better for you.

May sound like a silly question but what do you think him wanting to do it for himself would look like? I’m just trying to make sure I’m not living in lala land because to me it does look like he wants to do it but then that could be my rose tinted glasses.

End the relationship.
You barely know him.
He stopped medication he will do so again.
You cannot be his keeper

is he bipolar? my ex and everyone ive ever heard of with that were the same:
take the medicine.
think they are fine.
dont feel like themselves on the medicine.
come off the medicine.
turn into someone unrecognisable.

it will destroy you. you dont need this. dump and move on.

if it makes it easier, if he does contact you, tell him you understand hes working on himself just now and youre happy to take a step back while he finds the right meds and gets back on an even keel. prob best if you officially split up. all the best.

and do just that, step back, dont contact him.

any decisions he makes are his. not yours. you are in no way responsible for any bad choices he makes. it’s his life. hes stayed alive this far. he can stay alive longer if he wants. it’s not your job to rescue him. he has medical professionals he can contact.

I was in a relationship with someone for 2 years. Initially everything was great, but his bouts of depression nearly broke me. If I'd known about his depression initially I don't think I would have pursued a relationship. It was torture. I cared very deeply for him but my own mental health, which i would probably say is robust, suffered considerably. U can't be someone's counsellor. Think very carefully. I will never knowingly get involved with any relationship where the person has mental health issues- i just can't go there.

You are not responsible for keeping him alive OP..Nor were you responsible for keeping alive the person you lost.

Perhaps you need to process that previous loss - or maybe you just need to tell yourself sternly that the person responsible for getting and keeping this new guy well is ...HIM. It is not your responsibility.

Jesus Christ woman it’s been a year! Just leave him??

I don't know really it's been so long. I think for a start to go back in time and take his meds properly and consistently. It's the rollercoaster that has messed the kids up and what I can't forgive really. But just being proactive about his treatment and accessing services, doing something instead of laying in bed, being honest with the MH services.

Agreed. Really, it's just not worth it. Especially if it's been long distance up until now. He will destroy you. I would say I have robust mental health too. My children were happy kids in a stable family. All of us are now in therapy. He is not because they decided some CBT based on some rubbish he told them is the way to go.

I think she has posted about this shambles before?