Can't work, can't think straight

[Threadwworm]

Feeling more thanusually awful today becasue of a fairly minor bad incident that I don't want to go into. Problem is that feeling so shit, so self-hating, so anxious makes it inpossible to work. That's why I'm on this site too much.

How can I do it? How can I pull myself round. I've given up ADs becasue they don't change the negatibve thoughts and the lack of concentration, which are the worst things. But wqithout ADs the low mood, the tears, and the feeling of vertigo start to creep into the picture. Don't want to go back on drugs thatonly tackle the moods and not the thoughts. I was too disorganised to follow through a referral to psychiatric suppot and so now am ashamed to go back to GP.

Am starting on St Johns Wort. Does this do anything or is it just a placebo?

well I've just rung surgery for gp appt. Will have to confess unilateral stopping of ADs and fuck-up re not filling in forms necessary for the referral.

Might ask for seroxat. In the past it worked better for me that other ADs have and doesn't usually have its problem side-effec

But stillfgeelingawful today. Another day withlittle work done and eadlines looming. Just can't fucking concventrate.

I don't function well if I feel mentally cluttered.

Have you tried cogntive therapy?

Thank you for answering swede. I did have cog therapy years ago. But at the time my depression had so far caused me to withdraw from life that I lacked the day-to-day raw material to work on in the therapy. I think I could get more fomr it now if I could find the right therapist. But I'm so apathetic, and so overstretched with stuff to do that I despair of getting anywhere.

Feeling stressed (with deadlines looming) is horrible. In the short term, can you be strict with yourself and break your day into manageable chunks? Could you negotiate your timetable with your boss?

In the longer-term. Could you afford to take a break from work and give yourself time to find a Cognitive therapist so you can find a way of managing your faulty thought processes. A friend of mine feels entirely in control after her CBT (a couple of years ago) and wishes she had done it years and years ago.

Yes, I should start to regard it as a project that needs making time for, not something like remembering to pay the gas bill or something.

I'm glad your friend was so much helped. I had five years of analytic psychotherapy ont the NHS and a quick course of CBT both with quite senior practitioners. They were really talented people but I am still stuck. Now -- in a less well-provided-for part of the UK - I'm afraid of finding myself with a practitioner who is less good. But therapy would work better now I think because before I was really too far gone.

Am afraid I am not someone with an illness though - just someone defective.

I appreciate you replying. Please don't feel you have to kkeep on posting. I will def get some proper help at docs soon.

Threadie - we are all defective. I suspect those unable to cope with their defects without assistance merely have much higher standards for themselves than the rest of us.

I think it's normal for humans to be up and down emotionally.

You really must give project Threadworm the time she deserves.

And then, you are going to write a book. A brilliant book. I just know it.

Thank you swedes.You are very kind. And thanks too notjustmom. I will go back to gp. My inefficiency and backslding re treatment are all part of the condition i suppose, so he shouldn't be angry with me.

It is good to have these thoughts from you. I isolate myself utterly in real life, which is very painful.

Thread - Why do you isolate yourself?

Because I am terrified literally terrified at every moment, of everything that I do, say, appear. Terrified of being judged, of imposing myself on people who would rather I wasn't there. Even starting and posting on this thread produces a version of the same terror. You don't want to reply, you feel burdened by the possibility that you ough tto and so on.

Thanks notjustmom. I'm sorry you went through such a hard time and I hope that things are better for you now. You are right about the gp, of course. And I am lucky that my gp is a good one.

School run now, so time to wipe off the tears and staple on the

Gosh Threadie - I hear what you're saying. I have taken a few steps backwards in the past month, and now seem to be lurching towards square 1.

Mounting workload, no concentration, low confidence, fear of all sorts of real and imagined problems, mounting pile of work. I am feeling like I want stop for a while and do some Project Rampant.

Need to get back in touch with my therapist who is great, but whom I just stopped turning up for three months ago.

Need to exercise - I know how good this is for my mental health.

Need to stop smoking (again) - only restarted in last few weeks - stupid, stupid, stupid.

I know all this, but I completely recognise that when I feel like this I am so unmotivated and apathetic - god it's awful (and have come to similar conclusions re defectiveness at times). I need to be wrapped in a duvet, given warm soup, and then a hefty kick up the arse.

You aren't alone.

Threadworm - I don't feel in the least bit burdened. Friendship is a mutual revelation of inadequacies. You are just being allowed to go first.

are you in education? everyone I know in this profession is virually on thier knees this time of year.

Thanks all of you. The kind words mean a lot. Rampant, I'm so sorry to hear of your bad feelings. I hope you can take care of yourself and start to feel better. Don't feel bad about the smoking. If I had ever been so unlucky as to start, I would be a 60-a-day recidivist I am sure. Notjustmom, I hope the bad days are few. Swedes thanks, and do take your turn in due course!

you are all very kind.

In answer to the question about St. John's Wort - it is definitely not a placebo. Research shows that for mild to moderate depression it works as well as drugs like Seroxat. It contains compounds which act in a similar way to SSRIs, and also MAOIs. I tolerate it much better as it doesn't make me nauseous. You need to be careful about dose - as a herbal medicine it can be more variable, although most reputable brands are standardised on the main constituent. Like SSRIs, you sometimes need to come off it carefully - and avoid red wine, too much red meat etc.

Thanks donk. I didn't know about the need to come off gradiually and avoid certain foodstuffs. I'll bear that in mind.

st johns wort helped for a while, now i take ad's and find them more helpful.
it takes a longer time for st johns wort to kick in but should be better long term. whatever you do dont mix ad's and st johns!!!

try NLP. this is something that realllly helped me

Hi threadworm,

It's good to see that you will go back to Gp and have decided to get started with therapy. I found it incredibly helpful. I can relate to a lot of what you mentioned, and I can't be grateful enough to my therapist. I still have lots of issues to work through, but it is so much easier to get through the day now, and I am even starting to get a bit of motivation back again!!!! I had really forgotten what that felt like.

Threadworm - Are you OK? I hope you've made that appointment to see your GP.

Hi Swedes. Feeling a bit better this afternoon. Had to spend all of yesterday evening pretending that Very Bad Hayfever had made my eyes red.

Still not brilliant, really not, but not in yesterday's hole any more. You kind of get used to feeling really flat and numb all the time, and then when the bad feelings explode it makes you realise how not-right the flatness is.

Have to ring GP at 2:30 when they release the Monday morning appointments. So will be in weird telephone race with other needy people.

Threadworm - LOL at weird telephone race. Presumably you have spent most of today doing limbering up exercises in preparation?

rang at 2:27 to gain unfair advantage and was told '3 mins to wait so I'll put you on hold'!

Cut-throat stuff.