My friend is stuck going round and round in intolerable circles

[elliehamster]

I have a friend who is in her thirties. She seemed to be doing ok in her twenties but she was “let go” at a graduate job (she won’t specify what happened) and it knocked her confidence so much that she has never worked since except for volunteering roles. She struggles with volunteer roles too with her mental health. Terrible anxiety and depression. She is on medication.
Recently she has opened up about her home life. She has never left home. It seems her parents do everything for her. It’s not healthy. She has not matured as she has literally no responsibility for anything. She also has no freedom (no money, no car, she hasn’t passed her driving test).
The other issue is that she has been telling me her home life feels abusive. Her parents shout at each other, shout at her and tell her she is no good etc as they are frustrated with their life with her. But they make no effort to support her independence.
Most days she cries with frustration, boredom, fear and hopessness. I’m worried that she sometines feels so bleak that there’s no point going on. It’s not surprising really, she has been allowed to drift with no goals in life.
My thoughts are that it’s intolerable for her. She needs to fly the nest and learn to trust herself. Obviously it would take planning and support because she hasn’t learned any skills to even look after herself and she has no self confidence. It’s a terrible shame, she is lovely and obviously intelligent. She needs to get away from her parents for some peace.
Is there a way to achieve independence? What advice can I give her? I have no idea where to start.
She can’t live with my family, that’s just not an option. Help!

That’s a sobering message. I absolutely don’t want her to become dependent on me. I am going to have to be very careful.
I appreciate your time in giving me a comprehensive reply. Very interesting. Her one and only job was 14 years ago. It is becoming apparent to me that perhaps she withdrew from life and it is so hard to step up now that so much time has passed.

I think that there's probably very little you could do in reality and practical terms to provide her the nondescript help that she needs, if she's not been able to identify it for herself, and find it, if it is out there.

You've known her a year. Friendship like any healthy relationship is a two way reciprocal street. Yes you could devote time to walking with her and using you as a venting outlet, but gently, what are you getting out of this "friendship"? I'd suggest examining that if you can, what is it about this connection that you have made that makes you feel compelled to "do something"? What do you feel would happen if you do not?

Another decade of time passing is not going to make it any easier to get work; and I think work could do her a great deal of good. It sounds like she retreats into herself at any difficulty, and I can sympathise with that, but it's a self-destructive habit.

The problem here is shes stuck with her family and can’t find a way out and so instead of just trying it on her own, she’s now outsourcing the problem to YOU and so is remaining stuck in a cycle or learned and voluntary incompetence. She’s scared of failing so wants you to be her extended parent. This is grossly unfair and you should absolutely NOT step in. Drop the rope and tell her that real and meaningful change needs to come from her and her Alone.

I’m also bipolar, have cptsd from childhood sexual abuse and DV/rape as an adult. I stand on my own perfectly well despite having wobbles etc and occasional mess ups. But it took a LONG time to learn that I was blaming everybody in my life for the way I was…. If only X hasn’t done that, then I wouldn’t be doing Y. Simple reality is that my addictions and choices were as a result of me not dealing with the situation and burying it etc. i wasn’t addicted to coke because I was abused by Steve, he didn’t make me shove cocaine up my nose. It was a very poor maladaptive coping mechanism and the only person responsible for that voice in my head telling r to do it was ME. Until you can start taking personal responsibility for your own choices and actions, you can’t even begin to get to terms with this sort of problem. You will be pouring yourself into a bottomless well.

@cuckoolodger that makes a lot of sense. I appreciate your candour with your experiences. I have been thinking a lot this afternoon (I’ve got a day off!) and I think she hasn’t got the maturity for an equal friendship. I would guess that she is not even at the level of a teenager. There’s just no way she can meet the challenges that adulthood demands. I have no idea what went so wrong after uni. Maybe education was nice and safe but the real world frightened her? Most of us manage it though, one way or another. My first job was a bit of a disaster and I had terrible anxiety as a result but I pushed through and it made me stronger. I guess she retreated and has been in the shadows ever since.

@60degreecycle You have really got me thinking. What do I get out of the friendship? It definitely isn’t equal or reciprocated. I think I have the answer. It’s a weird one! My daughter is about to fly the nest. It has made me yearn for her younger years when I loved spending time with her. It feels like this friend is almost a substitute daughter! Her immaturity is childlike. I have been enjoying the simple things in life with her; going to the park, admiring the wildlife, having a picnic, that kind of thing. Unfortunately it also comes with her anxiety, occasional tears and restlessness.
I need to think ahead to decide if I want to continue this way. It’s doing no harm to me, I see that she relaxes in my company BUT I do feel a bit like a parent or carer.

Some people very much need a helping hand in life, a bit of care and support. I’m ok with that as long as it doesn’t become a ball and chain.

She is already using you as a permanent emotional support. I don't mean she is doing so maliciously. From experience, that can become overwhelming.

Have you previously made any suggestions to her about managing her life? If so, how did she take them?
Some people want to vent endlessly but will not act on sensible practical advice if it means contacting places or attending new appointments.

'She pleads by crying down the phone, telling me she is desperate, doesn’t know what to do and needs help. She will text me “please help me, I can’t cope”.'

What is it she wants from you in these situations? Listening to her vent? Practical help? Something different?

It's really good advice to ask yourself what you are getting out of this friendship and it seems you've been able to answer that question pretty quickly. It's not an equal adult relationship, but a substitute child situation. So you're getting something out of it emotionally right now, but how long will that continue to work for you?

A poster up thread mentioned enmeshment, and I think that's a useful point to be aware of. This young woman is clearly extremely intense and needy. Only you know how much of that you can cope with

If she went away for uni and got a graduate job she clearly was capable at some point.

i’d be concerned about what happened at the job - and it may well have been that a traumatic event happened to her and she left rather than deal with it (eg sexual assault, etc),

I have a dd with MH issues who lives at home with me. She did go away to uni but came back after a very nasty break up and had to resit her third year.

i’m trying to gently encourage her to move out (my mum has offered to buy a flat) or get at least a part time job but it is very very hard.

we don’t row very often but I do cry in my bedroom a lot.

I think it was just a case of not being able to carry out her duties without lots of (too much) support which suggests she wasn’t mature enough to cope with a graduate role.
Ah it’s so sad that your dd doesn’t feel ready to make the leap into the next part of adult life. I am seeing this more and more with young people, they don’t have the resilience to manage. I don’t know why. I’m sorry you are in this situation, it must be very stressful.

Work that also provides accomodation might be a good solution. This could include hotels/hostels, hospitality, or being a Live in Carer. Its a way of leaving home for a bit to see if it works out for her. It also might be a big step, but what about going abroad, perhaps further study or teaching English.