My friend is stuck going round and round in intolerable circles

[elliehamster]

I have a friend who is in her thirties. She seemed to be doing ok in her twenties but she was “let go” at a graduate job (she won’t specify what happened) and it knocked her confidence so much that she has never worked since except for volunteering roles. She struggles with volunteer roles too with her mental health. Terrible anxiety and depression. She is on medication.
Recently she has opened up about her home life. She has never left home. It seems her parents do everything for her. It’s not healthy. She has not matured as she has literally no responsibility for anything. She also has no freedom (no money, no car, she hasn’t passed her driving test).
The other issue is that she has been telling me her home life feels abusive. Her parents shout at each other, shout at her and tell her she is no good etc as they are frustrated with their life with her. But they make no effort to support her independence.
Most days she cries with frustration, boredom, fear and hopessness. I’m worried that she sometines feels so bleak that there’s no point going on. It’s not surprising really, she has been allowed to drift with no goals in life.
My thoughts are that it’s intolerable for her. She needs to fly the nest and learn to trust herself. Obviously it would take planning and support because she hasn’t learned any skills to even look after herself and she has no self confidence. It’s a terrible shame, she is lovely and obviously intelligent. She needs to get away from her parents for some peace.
Is there a way to achieve independence? What advice can I give her? I have no idea where to start.
She can’t live with my family, that’s just not an option. Help!

Honestly? If money isn't an object pay for her to see a good counsellor. She will never be independent until she wants to be and believes she is worth it and she will need professional help to get there. Until then anything you do is nice but ultimately probably won't work.

You are a good friend. Does she have privacy at home or could she at least get out of the house every day? She needs counselling or therapy to support her through the process of leaving. Is her GP aware of her situation?

Shes in her 30s she needs to take responsibility for herself and stop blaming others. Id be sick of my kids to if they where still at home in their 30s

She has been having counselling for years. I don’t know if her gp is aware of her home life but what can they do anyway?
It’s very concerning. She pleads for help from me and apart from taking her out and listening to her, I’m helpless.

Assuming her parents are in their sixties and looking at retirement, their frustration at still having a very dependent "child" may be justified, even if the way they are expressing it is unkind.

She does need a life of her own. They may feel powerless to get her there.

Even if your kids’ mental health was severe?

Not much privacy. She goes out to a social event once a week, walks someone’s dog and that’s about it.

If she has a counsellor then she should start there. You can’t solve this for her.

My mh is severe i have bipolar and bpd but I take my meds keep all my appointments with cmht its obviously a struggle but you still have to grow up. Most people with severe mental illness don't live with parents as its usually the parents who have screwed them up in the first place you make it work ill or not

That’s my worry really that I can’t solve it for her. I guess that’s the reality of it. I can be there for her but I feel a bit useless.

You have got a valid point actually.

You can support her help with paperwork, help with making appointments help with writing job applications, help her with viewing properties. Inviting her round for tea or go out with her to get her out the house buts she got to want the help. Never help someone more then they are willing to help themselves

Who would she need to approach to leave home? Is there such a thing as sheltered housing or something? How could she get advice on benefits to get her away from home? Actually I guess getting a job would be the first priority but she really wouldn’t cope.

Go with her to citizens advice

But they make no effort to support her independence.

Maybe supporting her in the sense of providing her food and a home in her thirties is enough of a strain on them already.

It's very hard living with someone with mental health issues, no matter how much you care for them.

Could you, with her consent, speak to social services to see if there is any support for her under adult social care. Or maybe they could point you in the direction of any charities who could help.
You could go to the GP with her and see if something like a referral to occupational health would be suitable? It also doesn’t sound like her mental health is being managed very well and she may need some medication adjustment or additional support there.
There may also be mental health drop in services like Mind locally to you that you could go to together.

Are her mental health issues exacerbated by living at home or are the problems at home caused by her mental health issues?

Did you know her before she lost her confidence?

I only met her last year. It was only recently she opened up to me about the shouting. I don’t know if it’s abuse at all, she used the word.
I would guess that her mental issues cause enormous strain at home hence the shouting. Perhaps they are all at the end of their tether.

Thank you. I’ll discuss these with her.

Is she claiming all she is entitled to benefits wise? If not you could help her with forms etc for that.

She needs to have some form of personal income. Ask her truthfully if she wants to get out of the house because of the abuse. And to be more independent. Then tell her you'll support her if she needs to go to the council or an abuse charity, or Shelter or Crisis for help. Or even the police if necessary.

It could be that she is saying these things but in reality she's too set in her ways to ever be able to fly the nest. That the household situation could be unpleasant but not abusive enough for action to be taken? Or she's just not strong enough to make the leap.

Making her leave home isn't something you can't force on her. Even if you know her life is limited by it.

You say she had a graduate job, did she go away to uni?

All very relevant questions. I need to find out more about her. I don’t know if she left home to go to uni. The answer to that would be enlightening.
I get the impression that she cries and feels awful but not awful enough to do anything brave or positive. She seems passive. She is definitely very immature in her ways and thoughts.
The more I write about her the more I think that she won’t help herself and she cowers under her own shadow and is waiting for someone to fix it. She says she meets people but they don’t hang around long.
It’s all a bit depressing.

I would avoid enmeshing yourself here. When you say she pleads for help from you, what exactly is it that she is asking of you?

Hi OP, I've been in a very similar position with friends in the past and wanted to share some thoughts.

I've helped friends who were extremely unhappy and stuck in a similar way to your friend and when I agreed to help them I have found it often went one of two ways:

1. They became extremely dependent on me and as soon as I tried to reduce support (because they no longer needed it, or because of feeling burnt out on my end) they would become incredibly angry
2. As things improved/changed for them they became overwhelmed and quickly regressed, refusing to make any changes and becoming angry with me as they see me as the source of their discomfort

I'm not saying don't help but this person is in her third decade of not being able/willing to make the changes necessary in her life. If she's not able then the only person who can help with that is a mental health professional as a starting point. If not willing then it will almost certainly backfire on you. A 30-odd year comfort zone is a hard thing to escape.

My advice is to support but not lead, most of the work should be coming from your friend. I'd encourage her to make the phone calls necessary, speak to her GP etc. If most of the effort is being put in by you that is not sustainable and will likely go one of the ways I outlined above.

Good luck! I really hope your friend is able to make the necessary steps to live a full and happy life.

I am starting to think I am being sucked into an impossible situation. Maybe it’s best to go out for walks with her and let her let off steam. Maybe make suggestions. But pull back a bit.
She pleads by crying down the phone, telling me she is desperate, doesn’t know what to do and needs help. She will text me “please help me, I can’t cope”.