Family ignored my request not to photograph me and I am spiralling

[UnphotogenicUnattractive]

I have suffered from body dysmorphic disorder from childhood. I had an eating disorder at ages 14-16, and severe issues. I was severely emotionally abused by my mother. She used my appearance as the main weapon against me.
I developed an intense phobia of being photographed, to the point that even for my UC review I couldn’t do the photo by my front door etc.

I have worked so hard on therapy and tries so hard. I had agoraphobia at one point as felt so hideous I couldn’t go out I was scared people would laugh at me.

I avoid photographs at all costs, it has remained my biggest fear. I have worked intensely on overcoming the agoraphobia, having mirrors in the house and trying to accept how I look and to just be neutral about it and focus on other things not obsessing about my anxieties over appearance.

It has all been ruined. At a family event last weekend I asked not to be photographed I thought that had been respected, I felt uneasy with photos being taken near me but tried to get through it. Yesterday on the family WhatsApp and a family members FB photos have been put on. Two are of me, unflattering anyway you know the ones where you’re blinking or pulling an awkward face and others have added laughing emojis.

I seriously spent all night crying. They know my history and issues , I have put messages on both saying ‘please remove these photos - I asked not to be photographed. I feel let down that you did this and it has hurt me that so many think it’s funny’

Now I’m in such a spiral that I’m seriously considering surgery. I’ve always tried not to go down that route of injectables or surgery but now I feel like I can’t carry on hating myself this much and I don’t want to look like this for the rest of my life. My dad has always said if I needed anything he would pay but he always tells me to keep on with the therapy (he pays) but ultimately if I wanted surgery he would help. I’m so unhappy.

You really need very intense therapy, not surgery. This is part of life nowadays and you need some help to work through it.

I’ve been having therapy for years. I’ve had enough now. I’m feeling like maybe surgery would boost my confidence? I feel maybe I owe it to myself to try alongside therapy ? I don’t know I’m just miserable

Sorry just to clarify - are you saying they specifically laughed at and emoji’ed pictures of you? Because if so, that’s just horrific.

I’m no MH expert but I wouldn’t have thought surgery would be the answer because presumably you always be finding the next thing to change/not like. What sort of therapy are you having? If it isn’t helping is there an alternative type/practioner to try?

This is a set back OP, you haven’t lost all of the things you learnt and worked on in therapy. You’ll get back to a better place again. Focus on the things you’ve learnt and each day things will get a little easier.

I would worry that if you started the surgery/injectables route when would it end?

It does sound really hard. I disagree that photographs are inevitable..so whilst I would work on my feelings about myself. I would also just swerve events like the one you describe if they cause the upset you described.

I cant think of many other day to day things when I need to be photographed...one less worry 🌷

I just feel that I thought I was doing ok but I clearly wasn’t as the first time it’s happened I’ve crumbled. I’ve avoided all types of things like Botox etc which most I know have as I was trying to focus on therapy and changing myself not my face/body but it hasnt worked so im feeling now what do I have to lose ?

Could you remove yourself from social media? Don’t check Facebook. Come out of whatsapp groups or don’t download photos when they come through?

Your family are not taking you seriously. Surgery won't help with that. It is disrespectful to take photos against someone's explicit refusal, let alone post them on sm and laugh at them.
You probably can't stop them doing this except by refusing to go to family gatherings in future. Perhaps you should! But please don't think that changing your appearance will help.

Yes I was clearly in the background I think or maybe photographed without realising (but I’m was really paying attention and on high alert) but they are zoomed in on me making bad expressions I’m so embarrassed

I would honestly consider cutting off the family members who posted those photos and then laughed at them.

We all occasionally take a bad photograph, when the angle is wrong or you’re just caught in that microsecond of making an awkward face. Most of us wouldn’t like having those photos shared or laughed at but wouldn’t be so upset over it.

But when they know your history and know you asked for no photos this sounds deliberately cruel.

Say you start Botox, but that doesn’t make you happy so you have more and more and then something else that’s more invasive. It just sounds like a more expensive and intrusive way of your mental health spiralling.

The addition of pain to make you look better also doesn’t sound very helpful for your mental health

This is why I’ve fought it for years and my dad has kept saying ‘let’s book 12 more sessions of therapy’ or looked for additional help etc he’s trying to put off the inevitable I think . He says he will help me if I want to try but he always tells me to persevere more.

So sorry they did that OP. Just wanted to say that surgery won't be the fix you think it will. Inevitably it never turns out how you want it to and then that just makes you feel worse and carry on having things done because you'll never think it's perfect. Honestly the therapy is more useful to you than any surgery will be

It feels so hard today not to just book consultations. I’m trying to stop myself. I rarely even go to events. I’ve worked so hard I went and now I feel crushed and back to the start.

What is it that you don’t like? Weight? Height? Face?

Were these family members who did that with the photos?? Your dad pays for therapy but it sounds like he also needs to rip into the vile people that ignored your wishes and posted photos of you and make it clear that they won't be welcome at family events if they behave like this!

Everything. I can manage my weight to be the exact correct weight I feel happy at that’s all I can control. The rest is a battle. I detest my face, my nose is huge. I hate my hair , hate my feet/shoe size, hate my cellulite, my posture, eye colour everything. I would basically like to be invisible

Okay, some of these are things you can’t change so you need to just forget about them. Foot size, eye colour, etc.

the rest needs therapy, not surgery.

He has spoken to them

I don’t think it’s vile to take photos at a family event. You can’t always avoid being photographed

It's vile to zoom in on the one person who specifically asked not to be photoed, find unflattering pictures and then post them on FB and Whatsapp. It's not like the OP was just caught in the background of other photos. They've been zoomed in to show just the OP with unflattering facial expressions - why would anyone do that, especially if they know the background of the OP, which they do?

You obviously have all sorts of issues and have my sympathy.

But looking at it from the pov of people attending a family event - this all seems quite intense and demanding. Some people just want to get together and celebrate, take pictures in the moment and not be constantly at risk of causing a family row. It is very very normal to take pictures at family and other events.

Are they actually zoomed in though or is OP’s body dysmorphia distorting her view of herself?

The op does not say that happened though