Family ignored my request not to photograph me and I am spiralling

[UnphotogenicUnattractive]

I have suffered from body dysmorphic disorder from childhood. I had an eating disorder at ages 14-16, and severe issues. I was severely emotionally abused by my mother. She used my appearance as the main weapon against me.
I developed an intense phobia of being photographed, to the point that even for my UC review I couldn’t do the photo by my front door etc.

I have worked so hard on therapy and tries so hard. I had agoraphobia at one point as felt so hideous I couldn’t go out I was scared people would laugh at me.

I avoid photographs at all costs, it has remained my biggest fear. I have worked intensely on overcoming the agoraphobia, having mirrors in the house and trying to accept how I look and to just be neutral about it and focus on other things not obsessing about my anxieties over appearance.

It has all been ruined. At a family event last weekend I asked not to be photographed I thought that had been respected, I felt uneasy with photos being taken near me but tried to get through it. Yesterday on the family WhatsApp and a family members FB photos have been put on. Two are of me, unflattering anyway you know the ones where you’re blinking or pulling an awkward face and others have added laughing emojis.

I seriously spent all night crying. They know my history and issues , I have put messages on both saying ‘please remove these photos - I asked not to be photographed. I feel let down that you did this and it has hurt me that so many think it’s funny’

Now I’m in such a spiral that I’m seriously considering surgery. I’ve always tried not to go down that route of injectables or surgery but now I feel like I can’t carry on hating myself this much and I don’t want to look like this for the rest of my life. My dad has always said if I needed anything he would pay but he always tells me to keep on with the therapy (he pays) but ultimately if I wanted surgery he would help. I’m so unhappy.

@UnphotogenicUnattractive
I really sympathise Op. I know how difficult mental health difficulties are.
As you are probably well aware through therapy, but I ‘d like to re enforce, it seems like you feel that modifying your body, through Botox, injections, surgery etc is somewhat the norm. I’d just like to remind you that while I understand it’s becoming more talked about, and therefore more in the open, it’s still very much a minority. It’s your mind that is bringing it to the forefront.

You have been really wise to not get dragged into this because even though there are people and circumstances where this may be the right choice, for most people it won’t be a one time fix , but rather a more expensive and riskier routine which they inevitably won’t be able to escape from.
You would be really asking for trouble by doing it. Well done and continue resisting.

They zoomed in to laugh at you on purpose? They are awful, vile bullies! I cannot think of anyone who wouldn’t feel upset by family treating them that way. Your dad should rip them to shreds for that!
I’m someone with very animated expressions and am often in the background of photos pulling ‘interesting’ faces so I understand a little bit the feeling of the seeing pictures and being embarrassed/upset.
This is not a you problem, it’s a them problem, they are awful and don’t deserve you in their lives

That's what she said in her post at 10:29 "but they are zoomed in on me making bad expressions"

Perhaps the OP is distorting how the pictures appear, but there is a clear difference between being in the background of a shot and being zoomed in on. Perhaps @UnphotogenicUnattractive can clarify?

Do you enjoy spending time with the extended family? Are you still trying to please or live up to someone’s expectations?
If they are actually deliberately targeting you, I think I’d start avoiding them.

But don’t start with surgery or tweakments. It’s not something you can do if you have dysmorphia.

Oh God that sounds awful! I'm so sorry this is happening to you @UnphotogenicUnattractive I am kind of not bad looking but quite short and a bit chubby ( 5 ft 3 and 12 stone/size 14-16,) and I HATE having photos taken of me unless I am looking/am aware the pic is being taken.

I went to a family wedding of a close family member last year, and there was a photographer there all day (8 hours of it) and she took about 600 photos, and I was on about 40 of them, and about 10 of them were VILE (of me.) Double chin, slouched over, looked a stone heavier in a few, I looked like fecking Shrek in a few of the photos! 😬

I picked the best ones of me for keeping/printing, and know that others who were at the wedding were only interested in the pics they were on, and the bride and groom, (and the people closest to them,) so I tried not to stress about it, but fuck me I looked awful on a few of the photos!

These people laughing at you and mocking you is immeasurably cruel though. How nasty. Do they know of your phobia/issues? Please don't have plastic surgery though.

So they specifically zoomed the photos on you/took photos of you directly and share them online?

That's abusive.

I'd see that as a reason to just never meet thwm again.

Taking photos at closed family event is fun only if everyone is having a fun.

💐🫂As someone who is not happy with my face/body/skin, I understand, but none of it will ever be fixed by surgery. I cannot change my bones and it’s awful that I used to wish I could. You really need to start looking at the positives rather than the things you don’t like about yourself.
Be grateful for everything your body does for you. It keeps you alive, allows you to taste an ice cream, feel the warm sun on your skin, see the remarkable beauty of the earth, smell the flowers, hear the birdsong. There is an infinitely small chance of us as individuals even being conceived in the first place, let alone making it to consciousness. We are the lucky ones. There is so much to be enjoyed in life, our bodies allow us to experience this.
Fuck those superficial dickheads who make fun of someone for the way they look. They are not worth a second of your headspace.
There’s a massive industry based on making EVERYONE feel shit about the way they look. It’s not actually anything to do with how we look. It’s about making shedloads of cash.
As pp have said, surgery is not the solution to this. You will only want to change something else about your body after you get surgery for the first thing.
Accept your imperfect body for what it is. A gift.

I have had surgery and look good, if not just like everyone else with decent surgery and fillers etc. I am very happy with the way I look but it doesnt make me happy about anything else other than that. What makes me happy is galloping the horse in the rain, my work, my family and making felt mouses. In the scheme of things, it wouldnt have helped if I hadn't tackled the other shit first. Sorry if thats not helpful but its so true for me x

Sorry, but making felt mouses, just made my heart melt. 😘

Thank you! I always carry one with me for support. I was going to make horses but their legs are faffy 🥰

OP, surgery won't make you invisible. Before you go to consultation about any surgeries, are you taking medication that may blunt those extreme feelings and make therapy more helpful?

I’m sorry this happened to you @UnphotogenicUnattractive - hate that user name for you 🥺

Awwwww. 😆 😍

God didn’t finish my post!

I bet you are neither of those things but I totally get it. I was anorexic for most of my 20’s (still am in a way as I don’t think you really recover- I have a horrible relationship with my body and food).

I also hate being photographed but it happens - mates and family post pick of us together and while they often make me shudder I am also glad to have memories to look back on. I have so many photos of my kids but not many with me which is sad on reflection.

What they have done to you is cruel and hurtful and I’m sorry but please don’t rush to a quick, painful, fix - you need therapeutic support x

Your family members were really shitty.

BUT what’s the worst that could happen from this?

Could you just think that they are dicks - and everyone else will think they are dicks too - take yourself off their social media and try to forget about it? Everyone else will.

They sound awful but please please please don't take their responses as a reason you need to change yourself. It's them that need to change themselves.

In regard to their response, is it possible that the "joke" hence laughing face was less about "oh look how dreadful X looks" and possibly more "oh look X, you didn't realise but we did manage to grab a picture of you - look here you are at the back of this photo, can't get away from us!" Laughing face.

Neither situation casts them in good lights at all and both are very disrespectful of you and your reasons for not wanting to be photographed. I just want to raise the point that it could be the existence of you in a photo that was being laughed at and not how you looked. I have life long body issues and can't stand to be photographed either so I know how hard it is to internalise this comments and imagine that others are viewing and responding with your own eyes.

OP I honestly don't think botox or surgery are the answers you're looking for. The problem isn't what you look like but your perception of it. I bet nobody else thinks you're hideous, fat or whatever. Body dysmorphia is a mental health problem - it's your brain literally telling you things that aren't true. If you have botox or surgery, the likelihood is that you won't be satisfied with the results and will continue to seek more intervention. The press is littered with examples of people suffering dysmorphia who continue to have procedure after procedure and still are not happy with their appearance. They end up looking like a horrific car crash and needing corrective surgery repeatedly. This is not a road you want to go down.

Your family members have been cruel and thoughtless, they probably have little understanding of all that you've been through and continue to deal with. Please don't think that all the work you've done is wasted - this is a setback, a blip, but you have achieved a lot in your journey and you will get back on track again. It sounds like you have a lovely dad in your corner - let him pay for some more therapy, hopefully you can find someone with a specialism in this area.

You have come so far and should be proud of yourself. Wishing you all the best to find some peace and equilibrium 💐

Hair can be easily “fixed” what kind of colour and length do you have and what do you want?
What size feet do you have? Not much can be done there but I’m sure they are a fairy normal size?
Cellulite-most people have this i wouldn’t worry about it!!
Posture- yoga/pilates would be great to help with this.
eye colour- contact lenses would change that.

Surgery outcomes can be inconsistent for people who struggle with BDD. No amount of surgery will help with having a bad photo taken. You’ve done lots of hard work already, this is another part of recovery, moving on from this will be part of your process!

OP I’m so sorry they did this , I for one fully understand this , I hate having my photo taken , my friends and family know this , please from your end delete the photos so you can no longer see them and make it 💯 clear no photos of you are Allowed on social media , give yourself some time to get over this .

The challenge with surgery OP is that, you have a mental health problem, not an actual face/ foot, nose problem.

because your dysmorphia makes you see yourself in way that is so negative, even though to everyone else you probably look fairly average like the rest of us and we plough on the fake tan and eyelashes to make ourselves feel like we look better.

having a different nose or forehead doesn’t change the way you see yourself. In fact you’d probably find it doesn’t live up to your expectations of resolution and you’d be worse off.

but, perhaps you should explore the options through a consultation. Understanding more, and talking to someone about how you see yourself might help. And perhaps they do have some temporary suggestions that you could try to see if they ease the dysmorphia rather than anything permanent at this stage?

other than avoiding photographs, what do you actually do today to make yourself ‘look better’ in your reflection?

I agree.
For various reasons, other people should respect someone NOT wanting their photo taken , SM especially !

So sorry you have experienced this. As PP have stated, surgery is not the solution, but try and use some of the tips from therapy !