Struggling with my new therapist and questioning whether this approach suits me

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello everyone!

I got some great feedback on my last post regarding my (old) therapist and was hoping that someone could help me with some insight into my (new) therapist.

So I've seen my new therapist twice, I cried a lot on my first session.

The second session was different, i was taking about family dynamics and difficulties with my daughter.

When he asked very directly, "are you dominant....?" To which i said "no", then he said "so you're submissive...?" To which i said, "no... I'm a mix of the the 2". I felt like he was making an assumption that I am dominant, and was horrified that he was making that assumption and was judging me. Even though I understand he also asked if i was submissive. If he'd asked the other way around, submissive first then dominance, it wouldn't have hurt so much.

He was also a bit short with me, a little later, remarking "didn't I just say that?", but i was expanding on what he'd just said. It was his tone. I didn't like it, it felt aggressive. Like I was being told off.

I'm starting to wonder whether psychodynamic therapy isn't for me, because now I feel disregulated, I keep having palpitations and I'm wondering whether having a male therapist is what the problem is.

I really hate it.

I hate the therapists, they come across as judgemental and unkind, and superior and a I'm writing this I'm now wondering if I'm projecting!!!! It feels like that session has really caused me to spiral!

I have complex ptsd, an anxiety disorder and am waiting an adhd assessment, there's neurodivergence strongly in my family, and today I feel overwhelmed and completely taken over by the situation.

Please be kind as I'm feeling fragile, and I feel so stupid to be upset by something so small, any advice or insights would be gratefully received.

Love to you all ❤️

Is there a reason you chose psychodynamic therapy? It's possible this just isn't the right sort of therapy for you.

Have you already looked at EMDR or trauma focused CBT?

I don't know anything about psychodynamic therapy but if you are not comfortable with this individual, you probably do need to find someone else. I believe the first couple of sessions with a therapist are like an interview process, where you both work out whether or not you're a good "match". If not, it's fine for either party to stop the sessions and you both move on. A bit like dating, you have to try a few different people before you find someone you really like.

Like the PP I’m not familiar with psychodynamic therapy, but if you do not feel like the therapist is working for you, you do not need permission to change to another. It’s important you are comfortable with the person and if you’re not, then you are entitled to change.

It was just what I was offered, and I waited so long for it. It seems to me that psychodynamic therapy rips you open and then you're left tending a gaping mental health wound.

I suppose I would wonder why would it be such an insult to you to be dominant? I would say both DH and I have quite dominant personalities and I don’t see it as an insult. Why does the suggestion upset you so much?

I just don't think it's a nice therapy, it seems brutal and I hate having to start off the session, as he blankly looks at me. When he asked do you think you're dominant? My first thoughts were, "do YOU think I'm dominant?" Which then tells me I care about what people think, and i see dominance as a negative personality trait, but i also see submission as a negative personality trait. This is what happens to me, my brain just implodes 😪.

This is interesting to me, because I see my dad as being dominant, and he was a violent abusive alcoholic, my father in law is dominant and he's a narcissistic bully, my mum was submissive and I saw her as weak, and my mum in law was submissive too and she also came across as weak. That's why I think I'm a mix of both, but in the past I've probably been more so submissive but with a defiant streak.

I have just read up on dominant and submissive personality types to try and give me some balance. This will take over my life for the next few days until I get it out of my system.

But surely this is exactly the kind of violent response you should be exploring in therapy if it’s that fundamental to your sense of yourself? Yes, absolutely, therapy done well is really hard, but you don’t need permission to change therapist or modality if it’s not working for you.

That’s a good insight though. Psychodynamic therapy can be quite confronting in that you see your assumptions and hang ups play out in the relationship. Good therapy should be hard work - supportive, yes, but if it was easy to change our way of being there would be no need for therapy.

The good thing about psychodynamic therapy is that everything is on the table so to speak, so talk to him about the dominant/submissive thing, how confronting you find him because he’ll be able to work with that. Yes you could find a nice, kind, supportive therapist who validates your feelings but that isn’t going to bring about change.

You see I actually really think you’d benefit from these insights.

The answers to the questions why some things trigger these internal responses from you could be very beneficial for you.

I get that you are find it very confronting at the moment but I do think questioning your thinking might be extremely helpful for you. I think most people would agree with your premise that over dominance and over submissive are negative traits, knowing that because of how you feel when they are suggested traits then that allows you to figure out where you fit on that continuum and to align your behaviour with your personal values on that trait as an example. It is really just all about allowing you to figure out your own values on things.

The emotional discomfort you are feeling isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless it does not allow you to grow and develop.

Personally I think the most damaging and worst therapy out there is one that just validates and doesn’t feel uncomfortable because where there is discomfort there is a potential for growth.

Whether he is the right therapist for you is ultimately your own decision but I do think you would benefit from this type of therapy.

You seem very in tune with how you are feeling which is extremely helpful it is just finding a way to moderate and recalibrate feeling and using that knowledge to guide your actions could benefit you.

Most of the work in therapy happens outside of the session, you should find yourself putting the pieces together as you go through your week, processing the session, what was said and what was unsaid. It’s a dynamic process, you need to be involved in it and yes it can feel like it’s taking over. In saying that, good, challenging therapy can be absolutely life changing but it’s hard work.

But that's the thing I don't know if the therapy is being done well or if it's going to make my mental health worse. I agree that it's brought up a violent response and I don't like it, it makes me feel tearful angry and weak, it almost feels like an assault on my very being.

But you don’t have to land in either/or you could be somewhere in the middle. The insight was I don’t want to be seen as dominant, I’d rather be seen as submissive rather than that.

Then maybe you question why being seen as submissive would land softer, was that how you were taught to be as a young girl, that women were more submissive? That women being dominant is a really bad look?

Was this a conditioning or is this something you agree with now as an adult?

That it is better for women to be on the submissive side rather than dominant? All questions to be explored based on your emotional reactions to that statement.

Thank you! You're right. I think i just feel knocked off balance with him being a new therapist. I feel working with a male therapist should be beneficial for me because of my issues with the male gender, trust issues.

It will make you feel worse before you feel better, because you’re confronting things that are emotional and difficult, that doesn’t mean the therapy is wrong.

Think of it like tipping out a jigsaw - at first it looks a mess and can feel overwhelming but as you put the pieces together it looks more manageable and you can see the picture more clearly. The start might feel frustrating but the end result is worth it.

What an excellent insight. Yes you're right I have been conditioned, and i think he's picked up on this. Being submissive to me means staying safe in the company of men. I'm only just beginning to be brave enough to voice my opinion and to stand up for myself, so I guess it felt a bit like a slap down and it felt like an assault on my newly found assertiveness.

You mentioned ND and lots of people understand now that ND people can be much more sensitive to sensory experiences such as certain types of light, certain types of sound etc.

That sensory profile often is the same on the inside as the outside ND people feel feelings much much stronger.

Without support to learn how to process these emotions it can be extremely difficult and challenging for ND people.

You do sound like this profile might fit for you.

But that was the meaning you put on top of the question.

Can you embrace the curiosity instead and do try to put judgement onto it?

Honestly I doubt he was judging you, he was trying to establish how statements land for you so you can generate these insights with him first and over time by yourself if that makes sense.

Thank you! I did tell him yesterday that I have noise sensitivity and that I get overwhelmed by noises. He said that was "interesting".

So for example I don't like the noise on the TV of football crowds, the noise makes me angry and agitated.

I don't like crowds, i feel overwhelmed.

I can't concentrate on conversations in busy places because the noise overwhelms me.

And knocks and bangs and sudden noise triggers my flight or fight response.

I have difficulty with my neighbour making what would be considered normal household noise, it just makes me angry. So I've invested in noise cancelling headphones and ear plugs.

I have huge difficulty managing my emotions, they come up like a tsunami and overwhelm me, so when they come up in therapy, they overwhelm me and i feel completely out of control. I know it's something I've got to learn to manage, but i feel so vulnerable and childlike.

Totally agree.

OP., I think it is odd that the therapist asked you if you are dominant and if you are submissive. Surely most
of us are neither the majority of the time. Not surprised you felt uncomfortable.

Yes that does make sense, thank you xxx

I think he was just poking me, to see what response came out. And internally I felt angry, insulted and offended. But after exploring my feelings with some of the other posters, it seems that there are connections with what he said, how it made me feel and the deeper connections it has on my subconscious, I believe he was challenging me, but in the moment it felt brutal.

Thank you for all of your wonderful responses, sending you all flowers for taking the time to calm me, help me see reason and for support in just replying. I certainly know where to come for support. Thank you 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐