Struggling with my new therapist and questioning whether this approach suits me

[Lilmisspeacekeeper]

Hello everyone!

I got some great feedback on my last post regarding my (old) therapist and was hoping that someone could help me with some insight into my (new) therapist.

So I've seen my new therapist twice, I cried a lot on my first session.

The second session was different, i was taking about family dynamics and difficulties with my daughter.

When he asked very directly, "are you dominant....?" To which i said "no", then he said "so you're submissive...?" To which i said, "no... I'm a mix of the the 2". I felt like he was making an assumption that I am dominant, and was horrified that he was making that assumption and was judging me. Even though I understand he also asked if i was submissive. If he'd asked the other way around, submissive first then dominance, it wouldn't have hurt so much.

He was also a bit short with me, a little later, remarking "didn't I just say that?", but i was expanding on what he'd just said. It was his tone. I didn't like it, it felt aggressive. Like I was being told off.

I'm starting to wonder whether psychodynamic therapy isn't for me, because now I feel disregulated, I keep having palpitations and I'm wondering whether having a male therapist is what the problem is.

I really hate it.

I hate the therapists, they come across as judgemental and unkind, and superior and a I'm writing this I'm now wondering if I'm projecting!!!! It feels like that session has really caused me to spiral!

I have complex ptsd, an anxiety disorder and am waiting an adhd assessment, there's neurodivergence strongly in my family, and today I feel overwhelmed and completely taken over by the situation.

Please be kind as I'm feeling fragile, and I feel so stupid to be upset by something so small, any advice or insights would be gratefully received.

Love to you all ❤️

I mean, it honestly sounds like the session, though uncomfortable, is bringing up some really valuable insights for you. I'd be tempted to keep on with this same therapist for a while and see how it goes. Tell him everything you're feeling about the dominant/submissive question. If after a few more sessions you still don't feel that he's a good fit, then fair enough, but I don't think I'd take your initial discomfort to mean that this therapist might not work for you. It might mean that - or it might just mean that he's tapped into some issues really worth exploring.

Therapy should leave you feeling vulnerable - because it touches sensitive parts of who you are. In time you learn that feeling vulnerable isn’t the same as feeling unsafe because you can feel vulnerable in places with people who are safe. In the same way your feelings may feel out of control but you learn that you can survive really strong feelings. We’re often taught to ignore or push down feelings so when we can’t do that for whatever reason they feel overpowering. In fact our feelings ebb and flow, being able to tolerate that is hugely important. It sounds like this therapy is stretching you in all the right places.

I agree.

I think he's definitely tapped into a problem area and I will dicuss my feelings around this the next time I see him. Its also raising awareness that I know i have both dominance and submissive traits, and my negative feelings around dominance and submissive personality.

I think it would depend on the situations - sometime I take charge sometimes I take the back seat.

The OP does seem to have had a very strong reaction to the lables though.

The noise stuff - well that my whole family - ADHD - dyslexia - dyspraxia - not sure it needs discussing it just is a fact of life that need managing.

I was told it was odd and to stuck it up most of my life- didn't really help or change anything - my DC have noise cancelling headphones confidence to say they are uncomfortable and to avoid or leave situations and fidget rings to distract and help manage emotions - they seem better adjusted than me TBH.

I'd say of you are unhappy try another therapist or another techqniue but maybe give it a few sessions first. Personally never sure why it's considered a good idea to stir up emotions to learn to manage them rather than finding ways to cope with everyday life ones - but then I don't have complex ptsd and I know my anxiety is likely due to ND conditions.

I have had psychodynamic therapy and it is very hard work and definitely doesn't initially feel like a safe space to explore things. And you do a lot of mental work outside the therapy sessions.

Feeling like you hate your therapist is also normal - they would be keen for you to take that back to therapy and explore why you felt that way, why you have interpreted things they said in the way you have and so on.

Some of it is replaying the relationships you have had in life that have gone badly with the therapist and figuring out different responses.

To give an example from what you have written - you said you were sensitive to loud noises, he gave a pretty bland response but you have experienced his response as challenging and possibly judgemental? Well that's all up for exploration as to why you took it that way.

Thank you, that's a great insight because it definitely doesn't feel like a safe space, i actually feel very vulnerable. Most of my issues relate to the male gender, being invalidated, minimising feelings and experiences, being fearful of them. I will definitely bring my feelings and responses up with him.

So possibly having a male therapist could be helpful for you to work through this.

You clearly are doing a lot of work outside the sessions thinking about things. I used to decide in advance what I wanted to take back next time so maybe 'i find you being male difficult' or 'I have been thinking about what dominant' means.

Beware a psychodynamic therapist won't give you an answer, just more questions!

What do you want to achieve with the therapy? What's the end goal? (If there is one, there doesn't necessarily need to be).

Yes I'm hoping the male therapist would challenge me and help me find peace.

I had a massive wobble about it all this morning, but feel much happier and calmer after talking and getting the support of all you lovely people here.

I will definitely discuss my feelings and what the last session brought up for me.

I'm very thankful for all the support I've received on this thread.

When I’ve been asked this type of question in a therapy like environment, my answer is always that my personality is ‘passive’. I’m don’t identify as dominant or submissive. Unless, I’m in a situation where, for example, I am required to take control, therefore, I will be more dominant, because that is what is needed.

Though my natural personality is very much, ‘go with the flow’, so I use ‘passive’ to describe myself.

This. I’d be more offended if someone thought I was submissive as that is just not my personality. You should unpick your response with your therapist - this or another one.

Who or how have you got that idea?

Perfectly normal to be uncomfortable with men, why force yourself? Are you familiar with feminist concepts and analysis?

This. It's odd for him to throw two extremes out like accusations, when most people are neither dominant or submissive at any time.

Assertive, permissive, peacemaking, combative, or strict all seem like much more relevant terms to use in regards to family dynamics and issues with a daughter than 'dominant' and 'submissive'.

I would find it especially weird and uncomfortable because, frankly, most of the time when I encounter those terms these days (in articles, media, or online conversation) they're being used sexually, and have acquired a sexual undertone. So having a man abruptly demand to know if I'm dominant or submissive would feel very inappropriate and uncomfortable.

And neither dominant or submissive are good things - they're both unhealthy approaches on a spectrum that I don't think really even applies to most people. Most people wouldn't be accurately described as either dominant or submissive OR as a mix of the two - the words wouldn't apply to them at all.

It's a very combative framework to try to squash different personalities into, actually.

Was DBT not suggested? Or have you done that in the past? It seems as though the kind of emotional regulation skills you get from that would be useful before an exploratory therapy.

Having said that I do agree you should try to stick with this for a while. It takes time to make a therapeutic relationship

Yes I think this too, and I'm going to memorise what you've put and present it to my therapist!

Thank your for your input ☺️

I've never tried dbt, I'm in the UK and it's not widely practised on the nhs, you get what you're given here and be thankful for it! But i agree, I've read into dbt and think it would be very helpful with my emotional regulation.

I will stick with it and see where it takes me. Thank you for your input ☺️

Maybe you’re not in the right place for this therapy then. Thinking about the way you look at things, why you think that way, whether there’s another way to think is at its core. Why does considering such things feel like an ‘implosion’ rather than an activity?

I agree that dominant and submissive are weird terms for him to select though.

I honestly would have thought that DBT was more commonly available on the NHS than psychodynamic which has a poorer evidence base and thus is not often commissioned by the NHS. It is a postcode lottery though so I don’t in any way disbelieve you just surprised.

many would be against it but have you tried any of the Ai programmes and asked it questions ?