Feeling shut out from step-grandchildren after bereavement and unsure what to do

[Nolongerwantednanny]

When DH passed we lost our common denominator. My step children have the smallest communication with me and I no longer see my grandchildren. What hurts the most is it was me that arranged us seeing them before DH was ill and subsequently passed. I thought we had a lovely family unit and were in almost daily contact .

I’ve tried to see them but been met with basically they are busy. Christmas presents got given until February and my big birthday went unmarked pretty much.

I sent money by bank transfer for holiday spending and got cute thank you videos but now feeling like I’m trying to buy my way into seeing them so no longer sure what to do.

what makes it harder is that I’ve met a nice widow whom has grandchildren who are desperate for a nanny. His wife died before they were born. I met them recently at a family party. I love craft and his DD had setup some craft activities for the children and I got very involved. He tells me they are very keen to see me again and tbh I really liked the feeling of being wanted and doing things I love with little ones.

i miss my own grandchildren (and step children) badly . I cry a lot privately about it.

just wondering if I should give up and move on. To leave my old life behind is very hard and I feel ‘homesick’ for it so much.

friends tell me to keep trying with the step family but at what point does it become embarrassing that you’re obviously no longer wanted?

This isn’t on. Step parents are family aside from cases where there was never a good relationship that shouldn’t change on a death. My stepdad and Mum divorced but I still visit him regularly. It’s really cold of them as they know you lost your spouse.

Reading so many threads on here, I think grandparents are lucky If they see a lot of their grandchildren, step or not. Young couples have busy lives and duty visits are a thing of the past 😣
I feel for you OP.

Step-people (whether that's a stepbrother stepparent etc) are only family when the relevant adult chooses them to be. People are free to choose who they want in their lives, and it's standard for unrelated people to not stay in touch after a relationship ends through divorce or bereavement.

It's sad for OP who thought her late husbands kids would stay in touch with her, but not deeply surprising (to me).

My mother's current husband is not my family, he's nothing to me. I've seen many 'steps' on here who say the same.

That's not for you to say. There's no one size fits all people.
OP don't assume they didn't like you or enjoy your company. But at the end of the day you aren't their parent of grandparent. Especially if they are aware you have met someone new....

I really hope you can find a way to at least get some face time with them to say how you feel. Practice in the mirror, even write notes to be clear on how you feel. Then listen, openly. There may be something in play you just don’t know about. But the idea of someone wanting to care for me and my kids and see us and be in our lives even if not a blood relative is just so sweet i am sure they won’t reject you.

Also relationships are not exclusive. You aren’t cheating on your family by being close to other young people, maybe even have other step grandchildren one day?

I am wishing you all the best. Your sadness comes through in your post

That's hard OP, it sounds like you've made a real effort with these people and it's sucks to get nothing back. So many people claim to be busy and yet so few seem to be doing anything with that busyness.

I'd be careful about getting attached to these other children too quickly but if it makes you happy then I'd spend time with them. Agree with PP, maybe volunteering with children would help fill the void too.

Op this is very sad, I am so sorry for you and you're clearly feeling abandoned. I think it's possible that actually you are very wanted, it's just that your step children are very busy and further away, the children will be changing and will have different needs than they did 2-3 years ago. We, for example, see FiL only twice or three times a year max - it's just very hard finding dates we can do now our children aren't toddlers anymore, they live far away and the kids have parties and clubs and social lives of their own that they dont want to miss. They presumably also have potentially 3 or 4 other set of grandparents, plus cousins to see and any family friends. Families really do just get crazy busy, and I suspect this change has occurred during the same period as your dh passing away too.

I wonder if it's worth calling it out a bit and coming at it with genuine curiosity. I'd be tempted to call SC and ask "you know we just are coming up to the two year anniversary, and it got me wondering, I really love seeing the children and very much view you all as family, but I wanted to check in as to what type of relationship you guys all want moving forwards" and maybe let them have a think about it, how they want to see you, what type of visits etc. I think Grandparenting changes quite dramatically from toddler to school age, for example my FiL lives 3 hrs away and we are so busy we see him twice yearly. It's just family life.
Depending how far away you are, you might want to offer travelling to them and staying nearby, or babysitting, or watching a child's sports event. Equally, they may say something along the lines of, we weren't really expecting to stay in touch that much, which will feel very hurtful, but at least you'll know where you stand, and you can process that. I can see a world where they know you've met someone new and feel that you're not actually part of their lives anymore, which is very sad but possible and it really will be down to them unfortunately.

Parents of young DCs are just so busy these days, especially if both parents work. Without wishing to sound harsh, you may have to reorientate the focus of your messages away from ‘why do you not bother with me anymore’ to ‘I saw this and thought of you all’, ‘your anniversary is coming up, do you need any babysitting so you can have an evening out?’ or ‘do you need any help with childcare during the summer holidays’. Think of things that you can offer that will help busy parents, send fun cards and notes to them for no other reason than you thought this would amuse them/the DGC.

Be sensitive with messages you send near your late DHs death or his birthday. Remember all their birthdays and send cards. Generally be proactive even if you don’t feel you get much back. As your DSGC get older they take the initiative to contact you directly.

Sorry to read this OP.
I had a Step gran too. She married my Mum's Dad before I was born so I never knew any different. My Grandad died when I was a teenager. My Mum still kept up a relationship with Step Gran until Step Gran died when I was in my 20s. I'm so glad she did as I have many good memories of her.
I hope your Stepchildren realise what they and their DC are missing out on and resume contact with you.

I am so sad to hear this. As a parent of young children it’s hard to fit everything and everyone in, there’s a lot of pressure and obligation. If I was your step daughter I would want to hear something like, I miss you and the children, I feel as though you are my own, I don’t want to feel like an obligation but I would love to be able to help and stay in your lives and I can never have too many photos. Please let me know if I can take the children out for the day (or more!) over the holidays or have them one evening so you can have a break and if you have time for a coffee that would be lovely too.

Can you maybe offer to babysit?
Or is there a regular family get together like a bbq, picnic, party or Christmas gathering you can invite them to that was a bit of habit before your dh died?
It must be very hard and i think you won't feel like you've tried everything unless you approach someone about it

What a painful situation. Do your step grandchildren have two grandmothers in addition to you? I very much doubt you weren't appreciated.

I think if you came into their lives when they were in their late teens they probably always regarded you as their DH's new wife (even after 26 years) rather than someone they had a relationship with aside from their dad or even their step-mum because any period of parenting you might have done will have been brief. Did you ever see them on their own without DH? Who inherited from DH? If it was mainly you that might also play a role in their distancing.

Family life with small kids is full on so I can see why they don't prioritise time with you if they don't like you A LOT for who you are by yourself - rather than the role you had as DH's wife. I think there will also be an element of not wanting to take on the next of kin role as you become older and one day might be more dependent on relatives.

It's a very tough pill to swallow. It might be worth having a conversation about it with them just to understand how they see your new role fitting into their family and how much space there still is in their lives for you. Be prepared to have very sporadic contact would be my advice before going into this conversations so your expectations aren't too high.

I was cut off by my stepchildren when my DH died. The youngest DSD had lived with me and my DH for a few years. I had frequently looked after the DGC, who ranged in age from pre-school to teens. My SIL and extended family also cut me off.

It was hurtful. I definitely got on well with the DGC when small, but obviously the adults only put up with me. I think it often happens. If you marry a divorcee, keep your distance from his family.

I feel sorry for you op as it must be hard to not only lose your husband but then all the family that came with him too.

I am concerned about the last part of your post, though. Obviously, you should move on romantically when you’re ready but talking about wanting to be some other children’s nanny who you’ve only just met is a little intense. You don’t even really mention the man other than to say ‘he’s lovely’, he seems to be a way to new step grandchildren. It makes your dh’s children’s attitude more understandable seeing you as step and not real family as you must feel that way too to think they can be replaced so easily, no real grandma would do that.

Completely different, but around me you would be hugely welcomed at a variety of toddler groups, library sessions (someone similar to you runs sessions for 3-5 yr olds as they got bored with Bounce and Rhyme) or reception reading. If you have spare time then worth exploring?

Can you speak to your step-children about how you feel? Maybe they think you no longer want to be involved now your husband has passed.

I‘m sorry. This happened in my life too. He was shoehorned into my life and I had to wish him a happy fathers day because my mum wanted that. I find that so crazy now. If I ever find myself single, I don’t think I could move a man into my son’s home.

I'm so sorry this is how you are feeling. It's made me feel rather guilty as I am a stepdaughter in a similar position.

My dad died several years ago and was with my stepmother for over 30 years, since I was a teen. I didn't have a great relationship with him until I had kids myself and he became a fantastic granddad, and she a wonderful grandmother.

My kids, now in their teens call her granny, there's no difference to them than with their other grannies, but unfortunately time pressure and distance means we don't see her a lot these days. We don't actually see the other 2 grandmother's much either due to distance, but i do acknowledge that I personally would rather spend time with my own mother than stepmother or MIL, all of which I am lucky to have good relationships with. Also, there's more cousins and aunts/uncles on my side so that's a draw for my kids too.

Unfortunately that's just our lives and myself and dh try to fit in the trips to visit (can be done in a day trip, but needs a lot of working out) I also think that when the kids get older they don't interact the same way anyway so they're often off in another room with cousins or each other... so while they are there, they are not really spending time with grandparents in a way they would have as babies/toddlers...

Of course they're busy, and seeing you might make it hurt more right now but please just make it clear that you don't just miss the kids but them as well. Are you close enough to offer real practical support in terms of the kids? That's an easy way to keep the contact going. But at the same time know that it's natural for frequency to drop and it's something you need to get used to. Don't feel guilty about spending time with other people's kids either but I hope you're not just using him for that.

I am wondering what the terms of your late husband's will were. Did he leave a significant part of his estate to his biological children? If not then that will be an ongoing source of resentment, perhaps unspoken.

Is their Mum still alive @Nolongerwantednanny ?
Were you “the other woman” ?

It is time you did speak sensitively about the on going relationship and what it could look like.

Only discuss it in person though.

Don't message or text as messages can easily be misinterpreted and you can't see how a person is responding to what you are saying.

Nope she ran off with his best friend and told him she wasn’t taking the kids. I met him a few years later.

So they can’t “blame” you for marrying their Dad out of loyalty to their Mum.
Did he rear them more or less single handedly ?
Is she in the lives of the grandchildren ?