Feeling shut out from step-grandchildren after bereavement and unsure what to do

[Nolongerwantednanny]

When DH passed we lost our common denominator. My step children have the smallest communication with me and I no longer see my grandchildren. What hurts the most is it was me that arranged us seeing them before DH was ill and subsequently passed. I thought we had a lovely family unit and were in almost daily contact .

I’ve tried to see them but been met with basically they are busy. Christmas presents got given until February and my big birthday went unmarked pretty much.

I sent money by bank transfer for holiday spending and got cute thank you videos but now feeling like I’m trying to buy my way into seeing them so no longer sure what to do.

what makes it harder is that I’ve met a nice widow whom has grandchildren who are desperate for a nanny. His wife died before they were born. I met them recently at a family party. I love craft and his DD had setup some craft activities for the children and I got very involved. He tells me they are very keen to see me again and tbh I really liked the feeling of being wanted and doing things I love with little ones.

i miss my own grandchildren (and step children) badly . I cry a lot privately about it.

just wondering if I should give up and move on. To leave my old life behind is very hard and I feel ‘homesick’ for it so much.

friends tell me to keep trying with the step family but at what point does it become embarrassing that you’re obviously no longer wanted?

DH and I were married for 26 years. I came into the family when his children were In their late teens and I thought I was very welcomed.

How difficult for you. Have one last conversation with your step children then move on. Be careful that you don’t become emotionally involved with the widower’s grandchildren. Enjoy them but protect yourself.

OP, it sounds like you were welcomed but you weren't your stepchildren's mum or their dcs' gran. Was your husband widowed or divorced?

They've kept up the relationship until their dad died but now they have pulled back. They presumably have other blood grandparent relationships and normally busy lives with school and activities etc. That's a lot to pack into spare time.

I think you need to move on because they aren't offering an alternative. Enjoy your new relationship.

Ask them directly if they want you in their children’s lives. You’ve nothing to lose and at least you’ll know where you stand.

Thank you. I’m very sad. I was nanny. I was very involved and visited since they were born. I wonder how they feel that because grandad passed nanny has gone too. All under six so maybe they don’t miss me.

That must be so difficult for you. I hope you can sort it out with them, they may not realise how much you miss them all.

@Savethephoto I have casually mentioned it and can’t work out if they realised. They are all super busy but time was made before DH passed. At the moment it’s about once every six months. Was monthly and more before.

feeling a lot abandoned and very alone

That’s so sad. I would keep trying and maybe just accept that contact won’t be as frequent as before. Invite them to something specific with a choice of dates and try to set up the next one while you’re there. They aren’t being very empathetic but I suppose they are also grieving and maybe aren’t thinking straight. If they continue to behave like this then all you can do is send things for birthdays etc and hope at some point they see sense. The grandchildren may even initiate contact themselves as they get a bit older.

Sounds awful, but I’ll be making absolutely no effort with my stepdad if my mum passed. I tolerate him for her. That sounds hard. But he’s not the kids grandad in my eyes. the name gets thrown about as she insisted. I love her not him. I have my reasons.

edit: they have been together 20 years

Oh this is difficult. I’m very sorry. Death can break a lot of connections. I’m pretty much out of contact now with my late dh’s family. In my case that’s significantly my responsibility but not all of it. I’m just really stunned how what I thought was my family, and my ds’s family, turned out not to be when the crunch came.

I don’t know what is best, but having a conversation about it would be brave. I haven’t done that with any of dh’s family, I don’t have the courage and I don’t want to hear that we’re not wanted. So I suppose I would say to keep the connection you do have with your GC, even if infrequent, but also enjoy your new connection

I come from a family where step parents are valued and loved OP. I hope the posters who don’t have a positive relationship with their step parents aren’t too upsetting for you. Many people don’t feel that way at all.

I’m sorry you have lost your husband.

Being honest, I only saw my step mum so that I could see my dad. Once he was gone, we kept in touch with my step mum, but didn’t see her very often. My dad met her when we were teenagers so we were mostly grown up. My step mum was sort of forced on us really, we didn’t get a choice because dad wanted to be with her. We made the best of it when he was here but that was all really. My children didn’t really mention not seeing her, they knew that she wasn’t really their grandmother.

Instead of finding more children to be nan to, I would concentrate on doing things you like, seeing friends. If you do continue seeing the widow you have met, make your relationship more about you and him, not his grandchildren.

This experience should teach you not to dive into being a step grandmother again because the same thing could happen. I’m not saying be cold but I think it’s common to be stepnanny only as long as you are with the blood relative. Yanbu to be hurt at the realisation that the nice unit you had was conditional miss the frequent contact that you once had.

You sound lovely and I think you should keep trying.
if nothing else over all those years you have built a friendship.

Have you even read the post? 😳

I would talk to them directly about it. Think very carefully about how you phrase it, avoid sounding accusatory and make it clear you know it may be more your perception than anything intentional. From what you’ve said, it sounds much more likely it’s just busy families not having much time and not thinking about it, rather than deliberately cutting you out.

And/or set up specific dates that you will take one or more grandchildren for an afternoon. Be persistent. Make it easier to say yes that no.

I guarantee that whatever is going through the parents’ heads, the children love and miss you. My children talk about their grandparents - both biological and step - all the time and don’t differentiate between them.

I’m sorry @Nolongerwantednanny. People sometimes behave very strangely when they are grieving. I wonder if (even totally subconsciously) seeing you makes them miss their dad more. Keep trying. It may improve with time. Consistency is everything with kids and as they get older they will have their own relationship with you as nanny which isn’t so mediated by your step children.

This

I think this is quite common. It certainly happened to a good friend of mine. The DSC appeared to have a good relationship with her but no longer can be arsed.

I feel for you op..
My own ds decided he didn't need me around and took my dgc with him. . Fast forward and another of my dc had a baby...
Felt like I must have been rubbish dm/dgm to have been dumped. But my relationship with the new dgc is blossoming.

Take steps to get to know the new dc in your life op. They will be lucky to have found you imo.

So sorry for your loss OP.

Volunteering might be the way to go.

Primary schools alway need people the kids can read to.

Mother and Toddler Groups are always crying out for volunteers and would be really grateful for your interest in crafting.

Even children wards in the local hosiptal.

Are you sure they didn’t just see you so they could see their dad. It was certainly my situation and is now with my husband’s family. I fully expect not to see them if he dies first.

I think sad thing is my DH would admit he wasn’t good at maintaining a relationship with his children. When one DC lived around the corner, he was there quite a lot as it was on the dog walk. Said DC and him worked together for about a year as DC got a business off the ground. But when DC moved away, they did lose contact.

I set up a WhatsApp group and everyone was always posting in there. So even if we weren’t actually together, there was lots of in it about what was happening with everyone and it was just lovely. It did carry on for awhile, but I’ve noticed it dropping off quite a bit until really nothing gets put on it anymore.

I think I’m going to very carefully broach the subject with one of my daughter-in-law’s and see whether I’m being oversensitive or perhaps they never ever did like me. If that was the case, they were very good at not showing it.

I think it’s highly likely that I’m a huge reminder of their loss but as we approach the two year anniversary, I was hoping things would’ve improved by now.

Don’t take it too much to heart, they could just be busy.

If, for example, your late husband had a previous wife, that means there’s two sets of grandparents on one side and one or two sets on the other. Possibly great-grandparents too.

Then there’s a good chance that both parents are working, the DGC have clubs or swimming lessons or parties or friends to play with and on top of that there’s always housework, shopping, cooking and organising to be done.

Sometimes parents are just time-poor and you said they “moved away” so I’m presuming they can’t just pop over on a weeknight, it’s a long journey for them.

Even if they assigned one Sunday a month to visit a set of grandparents/great-grandparents, your rotation may only come up once every three or four months.

Sorry OP feel so sad for you. The fact you were there for 26 years I am quite surprised. Could it be that when your DH was alive they didn’t do much typical family stuff in the lead up to his passing, so now they’re getting back to normal and are just super busy? I know that sounds ridiculous but life with three under 6 will be a merry go round if parties and clubs and it really doesn’t leave much spare time.

Can you write them an email or letter telling them how you feel and how you very much want to remain ‘nanny’? Maybe they thought you’d also distance yourself if you’re also not too communicative out of fear of being over bearing and they’re perhaps wondering the same?

I say you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by reaching out. Doing nothing changes nothing.