Went to counselling with grief and therapist is trying to diagnose me

[billyhughes]

So, I have NC for this in case it had identifying details.

i went to counselling because I had a bereavement about a year ago. Last year I had about 6 sessions of specialist grief counselling via a hospice. The focus was very much on my grief.

Around Easter this year I felt I needed more counselling. I was struggling with feeling anxious, to the extend that a holiday I went on was pretty much ruined because I was just catastrophising everything that could go wrong all of the time, and I really felt I needed help. Via work I got a referral for another set of counselling sessions.

The counsellor is nice but spends a lot of time talking about herself and her own family to the extent that I feel I know now most of their foibles. She also mentioned other clients sometimes which I felt was weird.

recently she has gone down a line of enquiry which has led her to suggest that I have high functioning autism and also something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

this has come about as I was describing the anxiety I have felt recently, especially worrying and catastrophising about things at work. She seemed to read a lot into the fact that I like to plan in advance and be very organised, which is actually pretty necessary in my job.

She also asked about me as a child. I was shy, academic, a reader, very high achieving and slightly socially awkward as a teenager. I’m still pretty introverted in that I’m not a super gregarious social butterfly but I am able to form friendships and relationships, make small talk, read people’s body language etc and communicate effectively. In fact again, all of these attributes are pretty essential in my work. I don’t have any sensory issues or anything like that. With the RSD, when I’ve read about it I don’t have the extreme reactions described, I just worry about what people think of me sometimes. She said I was hyperfixating on things when I said that i had been upset by some friends reactions to me grieving and some insensitive comments people have made.

does this sound as though i am being defensive and should I actually explore this or does it sound like she is trying to label me based on quite flimsy evidence?

You need to stop seeing her. It’s your session. Not hers. No wonder you’re so confused. She is treating you like her therapist.

She sounds totally hopeless at her job. Change to a different therapist.

Counselling is dangerously unregulated, it's very easy to do a course with very low entry requirements and become a counsellor. It's a nightmare for proper psychologists. I have seen some awful scenarios through work, with 'counsellors ' working with very dangerous individuals and they have no idea what they're doing

It sounds like you should have stopped it a very long time ago - when she started talking about her own life/family/etc. Highly unprofessional. Pull the plug.

It’s not a therapist’s job to diagnose you with anything. That’s up to a psychiatrist.
Talking about other clients is a no-no. Same for family.
I really believe in good therapy but there are some rank ones out there. My absolute fave was someone who had her ‘room’ in her conservatory and asked would I mind hitting pause because she was having some garden furniture delivered. It wasn’t just an EVRI parcel.

Thanks. This sort of confirms what I had suspected. It’s free as I get it through work but maybe this means it isn’t the greatest quality.

The hospice counsellor I saw never once told me anything about himself. He barely said a word, just listened but when he did say something it was quite an insightful question. This one is very different.

Sounds like she's been on a course ... but mostly she shouldn't be talking about herself and her life.

I've been talking with chatai type app. They really seem to understand what I'm saying and come up with clear suggestions. There are suggestions you can make, like be firm with me because I felt almost as though it was being too kind!

If this has been provided for work I would flag it to them because they're paying for this service which is absolutely not fit for purpose. No need to go into detail just say she's shared details of other clients with you and talks about her own family in detail.

Good therapists are worth their weight in gold. This person shouldn't be practising.

Yes I will definitely flag it with work.

and do people tink the ASD and RSD stuff is unlikely? I know it’s impossible to tell from a thread like this but it’s unsettled me a little…..not sure why it even matters really.

It's hard when you are in the midst of sadness and doubt to really judge whether someone is the best person for you to be talking to. But from those of us on the outside, they don't sound (a) professional and (b) a good match. Can you draw a line and ask work to reassign someone else? Sending you lots of strength by the way as it's bloody brave to bear your soul in the first place, and even braver to say when a situation isn't working for you. If it helps I have had psychotherapy in the past to deal with my sister's mental illness and the impact on the family - it's hard to see the woods for the trees. You're doing brilliantly, but you would do even better under someone far more suited to the role I would surmise.

A counsellor has no clinical training - not only should they not say it, they are not remotely qualified to determine it. My sister had a counsellor who said that me, my dad and my mum were all narcissists based on their conversations... you can't diagnose anyone without meeting them - and ALL of us?! Turns out it was a bloody charlatan with no qualifications who was just saying what my sister - who is bipolar and had borderline personality disorder and antisocial behaviour disorder (all of which have narcissism as a potential symptom) - wanted to hear. Of course my sister wanted to hear that we were all the issue and she was just normal. There are so many arseholes (pardon my French) in this arena.

The counsellor isn’t qualified to assess whether you might be neurodivergent, so I’d honestly ignore her unless there are things independent of her that are making you wonder.

It’s not at all uncommon to question yourself, to be anxious and sensitive after a bereavement. Many conditions have overlapping symptoms eg ASD/ADHD/trauma have a lot of commonalities.

Given you’re seeing her through work, she should be both qualified and accredited - however there are good and bad in every profession. I’d complain on the basis that she’s self disclosing far too much and working out with her competence both of which are ethical issues.

I am AuDHD with RSD due to a traumatic childhood … but if I went to a therapist for grief counselling I would expect her to focus on that unless I raised it and it would, at that point, be to ascertain whether I needed to see a ClinPsych or Psychiatrist to explore that component of my issues. It is absolutely not her place to plant the seed or suggest a diagnosis. That is not to say ASD/RSD ISN’T a complicating factor in your case but no one here can diagnose you either - and, like I say, even if it is you can still have grief focussed therapy regardless.

If you are curious re ASD there are NHS online tools and resources you can look at as a first step - but it really isn’t essential for your immediate needs. So sorry that she has not provided a safe, listening space where you have been centred. I hope you can find a better therapist to explore your feelings.

It's a massive red flag when a counsellor talks about themselves. I've seen it in a coaching scenario, which I think is okay, but therapy is not the space for it.

I don't think it's inappropriate for a therapist ( I am not one) to say something after quite a number of sessions like - we've been talking about x for a while, and circle back to the same thing(s), I'm wondering if there might be something else going on, have you thought about exploring whether you might be neurodivergent.

That shouldn't be early on though.

I think you need to think about what kind of therapy you want - CBT will focus on helping you come up with solutions, compassion focused therapy focuses more on emotional repair.

I think grief changes you and you aren't the same person after but you can find capacities in yourself to draw on.

I was diagnosed with autism age 50 and diagnosed with ADHD at 53
Currently on methiylthenadate and it has changed my life
The anxiety I have lived with is totally gone ,so is the overthinking so much I couldn't function.
But you are functioning,you have a job ..you clearly haven't spent your whole life wondering what the hell was wrong with you .
Also for an autism diagnosis it has to significantly impact your life ,and that's not what you are saying.
I can see a bit where the counsellor is coming from ,but I think she's massively overstepping.
If she mentioned it once and then left it ,it's not so bad ,as it gives you chance to have a think if she has a point
But if she's pushing the issue,that's not good

I’m not a counsellor, I’m a CBT therapist which is a bit different. I absolutely agree with others on this thread that we are not qualified to diagnose any condition, psychiatric illness, personality disorder etc unless we happen to be medically trained. Part of robust training is knowing your limits and referring people on to those that can offer the correct support. Self disclosure is OK to an extent if talking about your own life is used to illustrate a therapeutic point or to show some understanding but it really needs to be limited to that because it is about the client. Of course, sometimes it’s clear, on the basis of previous experience that someone has something else going on and it might be appropriate to suggest further exploration with someone suitably qualified.

You should be treated in a straightforward manner @billyhughes- you chose to book sessions because you are aware that anxiety (catastrophising, over planning, intolerance of uncertainly etc) were getting in the way of enjoying life and obviously this may have its roots in what sounds like a challenging year. That is a present day problem and should be the focus of the therapy. It sounds like she doesn’t really know what she is doing so is thrashing around looking for other reasons and past factors - all a waste of your time when you have told her what the problem is. Is she accredited by a decent counselling body such as BACP?

I don’t want to be flag waving for CBT as I do think counselling is often very helpful, but for anxiety I think a BABCP accredited CBT therapist (specifically trained in CBT) might be a better, more focussed approach.

No therapist should be talking about their family

get another through the BACP website

if you got her through there, complain

Some psychotherapists and counsellors do have ADOS/ADI R training. I do (worked as a diagnostician in the NHS for years) And if I suspect I have a female client who has been undiagnosed (v common in women) I will raise it with them so they can consider getting tested.

I'd be checking to make sure she is bacp registered and if so, reporting her to them.

I got six sessions of counselling through work’s healthcare scheme and I stuck it out for two sessions before quitting. Woman did exactly the same - everything I said, she had a family member who’d been through something similar and by the end, I knew all their names and issues.

If you can afford to pay, I just did two months with Better Health and through their site found a lovely therapist who totally got me. This isn’t as advert for their site by the way!! But I liked the fact you could choose therapists based on their speciality and then switch to a new one without any judgement (or having to tell them!) if it wasn’t working out.

Sounds like you need to ditch the current one.

I agree that she should not be telling you about her issues, nor should she be diagnosing you with anything. It’s unprofessional and likely against her membership body’s ethical code. If she is qualified to assess (very unlikely), she still should not be doing that during counselling.
As she is seemingly employed by a workplace therapy provider, I would go back to whoever did the assessment for you, and explain what has happened.
I hope you are able to find a better match for you.
PS Better Help as suggested above, has a poor record for data protection, and pays the therapist a tiny fraction of what you pay them (it varies depending on the exchange rate and the number of clients they see). They will be the same therapists you see on BACP or UKCP directories.

She’s not a specialist of anything so anything she tried to “diagnose” you with disregard as she’s not qualified to make that comment or diagnosis

Just from what you’ve said in your op no, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have it as no one can tell from a few lines on a thread. As a pp said to get a diagnosis traits have to significantly impact your life. There are screening questionnaires available if you want to see if it’s worth exploring or not.

Ask her when she qualified as a psychiatrist and then report her to the relevant body. Her immediate senior too.

Hello OP - I have ADHD and I’m exploring possibility I have autistic traits.

From what you describe, it’s possible you have some kind of ND, but you could just as easily be NT.

I think it’s only worth exploring if you think it would help you understand yourself better.

A therapist shouldn’t be diagnosing you with anything