I regret something I did which I can’t undo

[CaptBirdsEar]

And can’t get it out of my head. I can’t change the past, I know that, but I feel sick all the time. It’s affecting my sleep, how can I put it behind me?

This is it. It doesn’t matter what it is, the behaviour of ruminating is the issue. CBT can help but your immediate relief might be prescription meds until therapy starts to take effect

Can you rationalise it? On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it? Were there other options ? On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad would they have been? Worst/best case scenario.Can you do anything , if not change it , but make amends or make it count?

Try and do activities that need focus from the brain. If need be, more than one. Like watching a good tv show AND doing a jigsaw at the same time, for example. Your brain will be too busy to ruminate.

@ChocFrogKnifei also did something bad as a child, but like you there were things going on including SA at the time for me so in some ways I have rationalised it - but I don’t think I can forgive myself 😥 it’s so difficult isn’t it. 😔

You should also consider whether what you did is actually that bad , or is it bad because society/religion/sexism/mysoginy /whatever says is it. Would you judge someone else who did the same thing as harshly as you’re judging yourself?

For example a vulnerable 16 yo having an affair with a married 30/40 yo man. Is she really a wicked, home wrecking Jezebel, or a victim of grooming?

I’m wondering whether you would judge a friend who made the same mistake as harshly as you are judging yourself?

If they told you that they had done this thing would it change how you think of them? Would you return to it continuously in your mind? Would you say to them the things you’re saying to yourself? Or would you understand, forgive and move on?

If not, I wonder whether focusing on the question of “why do I believe my friends deserve more compassion and grace than I do?” might help you to move on here?

Only a few people know what this feels like and many will never truly face situations like this thankfully. If anyone is struggling with similar, Losing Lulu or rhe reddit Reactivedogs board may help.
💐

It’s awful I know. I do find it’s in the evening (especially I’m tired), that it kicks in so much more. I’m the day, I can distract myself so much better.

Have a listen to this Mel Robbins podcast. The guy interviewed Daniel Pink has written a book on regrets and has some interesting things to say open.spotify.com/episode/6FFmfpQkqaD4FbdSY3y8NK?si=FrpnxDB6T3aJIfgj2Xj19g

Yes I find the evenings are worse -are you on your own too?

Do I need a subscription to listen?

If someone came to you with your exact problem. Would you be as harsh on them as you are being on yourself now? Would you expect them to beat themselves up for all eternity?

Google talking therapy in your area and you can self refer,or ask your Drs practice for the link to self refer to.

I'm pretty sure you should be able to just click the link without subscribing but it might be necessary to create a free account (I forget as I do have an account. Hope this helps. We all have regrets, big and small, but you can only go forward.

What I don't understand OP is you say it was the right thing to do and you say it didn't hurt anyone so presumably, if you could actually go back in time you'd do it again.

So why do you regret it?

This is such a sad post. I would urge you to get help; no one does something so bad as a child that it can't be forgiven. That 'no-one' includes you @bestcatlife

Thank you for the link and your kindness.

That goes for everyone who has responded with kindness and advice. All has been taken in to digest and rethink.

what is SA?

As a child, please now as an adult forgive yourself. Easy to say but hard to do I know.

Be your own best friend / cheerleader / perfect room mate.. we take up a lot of space in our own heads.. we choose the narrative.. it is never true.. so it might as well make us feel good about ourselves because that is good for us.. the voice in your head that keeps reminding you about this thing that you did for the right reasons that hurt no one, is not good for you.. so you can choose to switch channels... you can even chose white noise if you like..

When you are not tired or thinking of this thing, take time to practice this..

In this moment, you chose to be kind and gentle with yourself, you tell yourself that you let all judgement and regret simply float away, you don't have to believe this for your body to benefit, you continue to repeat this gemtly to yourself... this moment will be easier... and if you do this, one moment at a time... imagine how beautiful our day would be.. without judgements for the moment that we didn't do it or the moment that has past.. just this moment... now...

Practise this when you are not thinking about anything, and when you get good at this you can also practise this when you do start to ruminate about this thing.

You can also wrap yourself in a blanket and allow this blanket to protect you... and let everything go..

And Google Ra Ma Da Sa by Snatam Kaur... play it, sing along... allow your thoughts to be replaced by this chant..

Hi OP, I really resonate with your post as I made a mistake a few years back that tortures me. I have OCD so it is stuck as a rumination loop and I think about it constantly. Especially at night. I need an operation which I'm too scared to have in case I blurt out what I done to OH while I'm coming out of the sedation.

I am with you, I'm sorry you suffer. Therapy is helping me, I hope you can access some.