Struggling to cope with work, separation and my mental health

[OrangeOctopusEyes]

Looking for support/advice
2 DD under the age of 4. Full time employment in high pressure job. Home is mortgaged solely by myself and always has been. Separated from exP about 11 months ago, but he comes and goes as he pleases and does something to punish me every time I set a boundary.
I’m struggling to literally function. Work is overwhelming, can’t concentrate or make basic decision. I’m no longer able to cook because I just don’t have the energy. I spend everyday waiting for the day to end. I can’t get the kids of ending my life out of my head, it haunts me all day. I can’t keep on top of the housework, every room is trashed. Finances are hard on my own also. I’m finding myself to be frustrated and short tempered with my dds which adds to the feeling of guilt.
I have seen the GP who prescribed me sertraline but this seemed to make my thoughts worse to the point where I was checking how strong the ceiling was in the changing rooms at work….
I have spoke to a solicitor to get boundaries in place but I don’t know how I’ll afford the appointment.
I am not entitled to help from the government as on paper I earn enough, it just doesn’t stretch far enough either child care bills etc.
I feel like I can’t cope and don’t know what to do.

How long did you give setraline? It takes times

Op what dose of sertraline are you in? I’ve gone from 50 to 100 and might go to 150 if I need to. You often feel worse at first on antidepressants while they start entering you system. Then you should feel better
Sorry you’re struggling. Could you go off sick for a while when starting sertraline?

Can you get some help changing all your locks.
then don’t give him any keys

he does not need to be in a property owned and financed solely by you.

The first thing is to get signed off sick

I only did a week but it scared me how low I felt

50mg. I probably need to, but financially I work regular overtime’s to afford my bills so I’d struggle with flat rate

I changed them myself when we separated but out of habit I don’t lock my back door when I’m in and he just walks in goes upstairs

A week?! Op you should have given it at least 6 weeks.

if you want to get through this… you are going to have to go through a short period of of feeling very low but it really will kick in.

You HAVE to give it longer than a week

I don't think I would have survived more than a week I was ready to exit

What you have described your current state is sounds pretty intolerable too.

However if you were adamant, then straight back to GP to ask for an alternative

Go to the GP and tell them you’re feeling suicidal. Please get some more help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Do you have any family who could help you, eg by looking after the kids?

Change the locks again. Break the habit.

Easy solution… change this habit of leaving the back door open. Better yet… change the locks.

There are things you can do.

And you need to go back to gp to explain that Setraline didn’t work and so an alternative needs to be explored

Do you have any way of lowering your hours that won’t affect you a lot more financially? you honestly need more time at home x I’d agree with speaking to gp, I’m on medication and it’s taken a huge edge off my negative feelings to the point where I think ah it’s not that bad about things that would have had me wailing

He doesn’t have a key so I don’t need to change the locks again. Just need to break the habit yes. I’m close to my neighbours and have family nearby so often folk will come in and out of my house and that’s how I’ve always lived so it’s just a new way to get used to I suppose.

Really…. People just stroll in without even knocking? And explain to these people who stroll in unannounced that you will now be locking the back door so ex doesn’t stroll in unannounced as well.

If you don’t want your ex to come in through the back door… then you need to remember. I shouldn’t think it should be too hard if you really don’t want him to traipse in.

I've been there op, when you just want to disappear from everything, and even something like changing a habit of not locking a door feels like such a challenge. You have to be open with your GP, tell them how the sertraline increased your suicidal thoughts. They may switch you to something else but you do need to give them time. You also have to be completely honest with your friends and family so they can support you. It is so hard when you feel this low but you can feel better.

It can be that hard to perform simple tasks when depression is that severe unfortunately, especially if you are trying to work and make sure small children are looked after.

Id recommend you go back to the doctor and get a different antidepressant and ask to be referred for counselling, if you can take a week off work sick then more if you are still feeling rubbish. Are they your exs kids? If so, try and get him to look after them one day at the weekend and two evenings a week so you can rest. This is temporary and you will be back on track soon!

Sounds tough x

Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself - meals don't have to be elaborate but can be healthy . Could you batch cook a bit at weekends and freeze stuff?
Housework ? Do the bare minimum
Deffo keep the ex out (lock the doors) as his comments are ruining your self esteem
Deffo return to the GP - meds can be trial and error (Sertraline worked for ages for me, but not any more and the one I am on is a far better fit )

Is a bit of daylight (the park etc) an option for the kids ? Change of scene for you too

As for checking out the strength of the ceiling......
Samaritans are excellent - I have used them often and they just listen without judgement

Hold on , you will be OK

Which medication are you on now as Sertraline stopped working for me at 50ng. Am now on 100.

I tried upping the dose of Sertraline to 100 . Now I am on Venafalxine . I have tried the extended release one but that wiped me too much , now I am on the standard tablets.
I have read scare stories about coming off it so maybe I will be on it for life. Not fussed if that is the case - it is an imbalance that's all.

Thanks Jenkbuble
My doctor wants me to stay on the 100 mg sertraline for before trying the venlefaxine. Annoying!
Does it make you feel happier, less anxious than when you were in Sertraline?

Unsure about happier but less overwhelmed and it works better for my combined anxiety / depression .

You sound totally overwhelmed OP but your first task must be to stop letting your ex get into your house. That would stress anyone out. Leave yourself a note on the door saying LOCK ME so it becomes habit. You shouldn't have an open door with kids that age in the house full stop.

Can you talk to work and ask for some time off? It sounds like you just need to stop and take a breath.