15-year-old has been self-harming

[Fatbadger50]

We've recently discovered 15yo DD is self-harming, and has been for a year. We are absolutely thrown, as there was no indication of her being unhappy, and no signs that we noticed. She is a high achiever, sociable - plenty of friends, presents as extremely together, no SEND that we are aware of. We are a close family. I have just got an appointment for her with a psychiatrist via private healthcare (been referred), and trying to work out how best to support her.
She reached out to us for help via letter, and hasn't told us much apart from it helps when she feels low.
Any advice would be very welcome. I feel like I can't trust my instincts, which is a horrible feeling, and we're having sleepless nights since she told us.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I had the same with my teen, and just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and that with the right support, you will get through this.
It's really positive she reached out to you for help through a letter. This means she trusts you to reach out, and will likely engage well with support. My daughter had support from Camhs and completed DBT with them. She eventually recovered from a mental health crisis and is now happy at College :)

In the meantime if you'd like to know a DBT skill to teach your teen. which helps with tolerating distress in the moment, and resisting the urge to self harm- using ice packs really helps. They quickly cool the body, activating the 'dive reflex' which lowers heart rate and calms the body and mind. The intense feeling of the ice helps replicate the feeling of the outlet of harm, in a healthy way.

Sometimes these techniques are met with resistance or seem silly. But with regular practice they work well.

Also, remove anything that could be used for harm in the house. (I know this is a horrible one to hear.)

Mostly, try to make sure to listen calmly and without judgement. Self harmers can feel shame around it, and worry they'll panic others. Safe, open conversations help.
(Speaking from previous experience as a self harmer as a teen too.)

Take care of yourself in this too. Supporting a teen with a mental health issues is a difficult time. Thinking of you

Dear OP,

I would love to give you advice, but we are going through exactly the same thing four weeks ago (apart from our DD going through SEND route with ADHD/Autism/OCD traits). She is 11 and wrote a letter to her form tutor confessing she was hurting herself for a year and she was planning to end things. We ended up at critical care in hospital for a day so we could talk to CAHMS and social care. It was an awful experience, and we have also been struggling with this every since. I know I was also too emotional, I couldn’t stop my eyes from crying (even though all advice is to be calm).

After this we had to hide all sharps / medicines / poisons away under lock and key, and explain to the other children why. She is also supervised throughout the whole of the school day so she isn’t alone, and also at home.

The worst part is that we didn't know she was feeling sad. She still doesnt look sad. How do we know if she is getting better?? She is always chatting to her friends and looks happy, but who knows.

We are looking for a child psychiatrist (through private healthcare) to offer their opinion on the next course of action. The silver lining is that we will better understand why she is feeling the way she is and how to help her going forward.

We definitely feel your pain OP, and wish you the best. I am very thankful she told someone, and it might be a sign that they want to change.

This thread also helped me a couple of days after it happened, with comments from people who recovered from self-harming -

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/5516900-teen-self-harm-advice

Good luck (I hope I didn't waffle on too much).

Our 14yo self harmed a few times before she reached out. We tried not to
make a big deal of it to her, and instead focused on praising her for being brave enough to talk to people about it and ask for help. However, as others have said try and quietly hide sharps and medication around the house.

DD has since had intensive CBT with a psychotherapist and it has been an absolute game changer. It may take your DD a while to settle in, be comfortable and share, but trust the process. Professionals who work with teens know how to manage this. Don’t push her to share what has passed in her sessions if she doesn’t want to, just lightly ask how they went and if she doesn’t want to engage on it then let it be her personal information - the professional will reach out if they are concerned.

Good luck. She HAS been brave asking for help and you should be proud of her for doing that.

Get your GP to refer her to CAMHS, but worth finding out what your waiting lists are like, too. Some areas have great CAMHS, with a real multi-skilled team, so you can usually get the right therapy, but some are very limited and if you're already seeing a private psychiatrist, and you can afford it, an assessment with a proper psychotherapist would at least point you in the right direction.

childpsychotherapy.org.uk/find-child-psychotherapist-search

Don't let people insist she's autistic and not do anything else, it's a lazy cliché that adolescent girls who were excelling suddenly self-harming must be autistic, and even if she is, you can be more than one thing at once.